praise the Lord!

I'm so behind on writing posts... it's been super busy in the Wright house.  Stay tuned for But today I wanted to stop and praise the Lord for the good things He's done in our lives this last week. I feel like infertility blogs can easily become focused on the struggles and anger/sadness/frustration that go along with being infertile.  But no matter what the struggle is, the Lord is good! He is faithful and He never stops blessing His children.

- I got a flat tire in my bike four days before my race, but handyman Husband fixed it

- Husband got the stomach bug on Wednesday (same day I had flat tire)... I prayed for his healing but also that I would be spared from it and still be able to compete on Sunday (this also meant two nights of sleeping in separate rooms, a first for us and hopefully the last!).  On Friday, he was still unable to keep anything down so I took him to the ER.  Praise the Lord! After the IV and some meds, he was back to normal within a few hours.

- Parent Conferences were Thursday/Friday and all went well!

- I never got sick!!

- I got to babysit two of the sweetest and cutest little girls I know on Saturday... I used to be their nanny two days a week and I miss them soooooo much!

- Despite the weather being 36 degrees, I finished my triathlon and beat my personal goal!  I was unable to train as much as I wanted, so it truly was a miracle that I even finished.

My brother stayed with me the entire time! He is the best big brother a girl could ask for!!

- We had a relaxing Sunday and I think for the first time in... well, ever... I was thankful that it was just me and Husband and I wasn't wishing we had kids.  People tell me to enjoy this time, because once we do have kids, we won't get it back. Maybe I'm finally reaching that point. =)

 "The Lord is good to all."
Psalm 145:9



humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah Jane

swings

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved swinging.  My best friend and I imagined we were Anne and Diana (from Anne of Green Gables) on the swing set near our houses.  I had my bridal portraits done on a swing (made by Husband). And if the sun wasn't so darn picky about always setting in the west we would have a swing on our front porch. 

But lately I've experienced a kind of swinging that I very strongly dislike... loathe to be exact. 

This is our fourth month to be on fertility drugs and I'm experiencing emotional swings I never thought possible.  I used to think that these so-called "mood swings" were an excuse women used to rectify their rude behaviors.  But oh how wrong I was.

I truly cannot control my thoughts, my feelings, my expressions, my body.  Yesterday I walked into school determined to have a good day. All of my papers were graded, I could actually see my desk, and I knew exactly what the day would hold, thanks to my lesson plans.

Around 10:45, I started feeling blah. There didn't seem to be any expression in my voice or kick in my step. This quickly snowballed into feelings of loneliness, which always brings on depression.  I might as well have been hit in the head with a baseball... it was so sudden and came out of nowhere.

By 12:15 my students were noticing something was different and by 1:30 they were asking why I went from laughing with one group to being a drill sergeant with the next group (in the same class period). 

On the way home I poured out my heart, yet again, to the Lord. I told Him how angry I am that He chooses to take away the one thing I've wanted my entire life. And before the words left my mouth, I realized wanting a family more than God is a sin.  But instead of repenting, I became even more angry that He gets to take away everything important to me and require that I give Him my love freely. 

Who wants to freely love a God that takes away blessings?

I walked in the door knowing I needed to submerge myself in the Word, or else I'd be letting the enemy drag me further down into His pit.  I accidentally divinely pulled up my Bible Facebook app and a John Piper video caught my attention. 

The tag: "The daily fight for faith is a fight for joy--in God."  

This video pierced my heart.  Sure, these drugs are causing mood swings. But my wretched heart alone puts children above "the supreme treasure of Christ." And killing my flesh daily to believe and live out this truth is a war I will battle whether or not I'm on fertility drugs... and one I'm determined to fight and win.

I've said from day one, and I'll say it until the day this horrendous battle is over... I hate that God is asking us to walk this road. I don't understand it at all.  But I know He is good and that He refuses to give me anything less than His best. So I will surrender my desires to Him and pray that He would be glorified by how we walk this out.  Piper said "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him. There is no conflict between my happiness and His glory, and His glory shines all the brighter when my happiness is in Him."  He's NOT a God that takes away blessings. He is a God that has graciously and freely given me (an undeserving little girl) the greatest blessing of all... Himself!!

What a patient God we serve!!! He's taught me this a thousand times, and I'm betting He'll have to teach it to me a thousand more.  I'm so humbled by the fact that the God of the universe chooses to teach me lessons over and over again, that He loves me by giving me His best (which is Himself) and that He is a jealous God!

Thank you, Jesus!


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

i'm stepping up my game

It's amazing to me how quickly the enemy steps up his game when we recognize our mistakes and renew our vows to pursue Christ and His will for us.  It's immediate and I'm learning should even be expected.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Not even a week had passed after writing out my motto and I had fallen prey to the enemy's schemes. I spiraled downward so quickly I don't think I new which way was up.  And surprisingly, Aunt Flo was NOT the instigator this time.  This time it was my own selfish pride.

1.  spend time in the word daily -  I periodically picked up my study on Jonah and had signed up for the Shiloh infertility Bible study.  I made all kinds of commitments and promises but never actually did the work. Sure, I prayed. I listened to worship music. I may have even quoted a few Bible verses I had previously memorized.  But I was not spending time in the Scripture daily... meditating on it, praying it, seeking the Lord's will for how to apply it to my life. My whole life I've known how to act like a good Christian girl. But the Lord calls us to a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  I've thought recently about how I long for Husband's texts and phone calls.  I rearrange my schedule so I can spend MORE time with him. My heart skips a beat when he walks in the door and doesn't beat quite as fast when he's not around.  What would my life look like if I had the same feelings toward the God who rescued me from eternal damnation and adopted me as His daughter?  I bet it would be mighty different. Unrecognizable even.

2. let Kenny lead - aka... submit to Husband.  Hand in hand with not having quiet times is my desire to spend money.  The further I get from God, the more I fill my void with worthless materialistic things that I've convinced myself I need.  In September, Husband bought (gave... as a gift) me a bike, tickets to see Les Miserables (my FAVORITE musical), our hotel for London/Germany trip and several other things I needed for my triathlon.  But my wicked heart was not content. I begged and pleaded for a food processor to make my Paleo cooking faster and easier. And when he said no, how did I respond?  I bought it anyway and lied about it. I have never been so ashamed of myself. The look on his face when he found out pierced my heart as I realized this has become a serious problem. This is not the first time it's happened. The problem isn't that we don't have the money or that my husband is trying to be a dictator and tell me where I can and cannot spend my money. It's the fact that I went against his leading and then manipulated him into thinking I had the cash.  Contrary to what I had led myself to believe... no food processor will ever satisfy and save my wretched soul. It's something only Christ alone can do.

3. be a good teacher - Last week I found myself standing in front of my sixth graders with a "deer-in-the-headlights" look on my face wondering what on earth to do next. They had finished an assignment and due to my lack of lesson planning and grading, I had nothing for them to do!  My students knew it and I definitely lost some respect and credibility that day. The frustrating part was that my excuse was because I needed to spend more time at the gym or with Husband. In Colossians chapter 3, Paul talks about doing your work as for the Lord and not for men.  There have been so many days that I've thought of my job as something to pass the time, until I get my "real job" - being a mom.  This year I've been so convicted that this IS my real job, until God says it's not.  Would my classroom be run differently if I worked as unto the Lord and not my boss?  Would I treat my students differently if I saw them through His eyes and not my frustrated, over-worked, tired teacher eyes?

4. maintain my body as a temple - Yes, I've been training hard for this triathlon.  But my clean eating has gone down the drain and I've used food as an escape from the stresses of my life.  I'm usually not an emotional eater, and definitely not when I'm depressed. Stress however is a totally different story. And what I'm seeing is it's a vicious cycle. If I don't eat right I don't have very much energy. What little energy I do have is used to get by with the bare minimum. Only doing the bare minimum creates stress which makes me consume ridiculous amounts of sugar and carbohydrates and processed foods.  

I realized all of this last week after a horrible day at work. My amazing husband worked out a new schedule with me and helped me re-prioritize my life. And what a difference it's made in every area mentioned above.  I'm able to have quiet times, grade papers/lesson plan, exercise, make healthy meals, and spend time with Husband... every day!  The Lord has been so faithful (as always) to not only gently convict me, but to show me the way out as well. It may be a long, slow climb. But at least I'm working my way up.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

So go ahead enemy. Step up your game. I'm stepping up mine... the difference?  God is on my side! And He's already won this battle!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

shiloh

This last Tuesday I went to my first infertility Bible study meeting.  I got the approval from our church to start an infertility ministry, but not until 2013.  At first I was bummed that I couldn't start immediately. But the Lord was very quick to show me that just because He gave the "okay" doesn't mean I'm fully ready. We have a lot of work to do!

I decided (with Husband's approval) to attend this Bible study even though it is so far from where we live. If I'm going to lead it, I want to have gone through it. The leader is absolutely amazing! She is so genuine, such a beautiful example of Christ.  She opens up her home each week and leads ten girls through a curriculum written by Julie Fowler.  Being a former IFer herself (she struggled with it for eight years and then was blessed with triplet girls!), she truly understands where we're coming from but also has wisdom beyond her years now that she is on the other side. I am so encouraged and inspired by her example. 

The are no family pictures in the room we meet in, to ease our pain and help us feel safe. She said her entire family is supportive of her leading this group. Her daughters (now in college) are honored that their story is able to comfort and encouraged so many women. I'm blown away at how many ways God has used her infertility to bless everyone in the family, as well as anyone who enters their home. It's beautiful.

During our meeting, she mentioned the song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack.  If you haven't heard this song, you must google it ASAP!  It was our theme song when I was on the drill team in high school, and now it will hold an even dearer place in my heart.

Instead of sitting out, she encouraged us to learn to "dance" through this season. God has purposely put me here for many reasons. And He has much for me to accomplish during this time. I pray that as I work my way through this study (no matter how many tears I shed or how much pain I feel) God will draw me closer to Him and that I would accomplish all He has for me in this season.

The name of the study is "Shiloh" which means a place of rest. This is a quote from the writer's introduction:

"While I had struggled with sitting out and missing out, God was calling me to 'rest' instead. He was asking me to join Him in the plans He had for me and to rest in His love, goodness, and sovereignty. I was being asked to present my desires to Him and then surrender and trust in His perfect plan. Would I believe that He is in control? Would I believe that He is good?"

It's so good to be going through a study geared specifically for what I'm going through. I've done many other studies, and completed them with infertility in mind.  This one is just different. A good different.

Each week we have to memorize a verse. I chose two for this week. One as a reminder for me wanting to start a ministry, and the other is for me personally. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

1 Peter 1:6-7

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the timing

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've begged the Lord to draw near to me again. Over the past six months, I've felt Him slowly slip away and lead me through a valley I knew was coming. (read about it here)  I know He has purpose in everything He does, and I can't wait to see all His purposes in having me not only walk the road of infertility, but in enduring this recent time in the desert.

However, I can say with complete assurance that His time has come to lead me out! Hallelujah!

I feel such a peace with our decision to stop fertility treatments. That was a tremendous burden, which I don't even think I knew I was carrying, and it has been lifted. Hallelujah!

But the biggest change of all has brought me to my knees and I am rejoicing in the Lord for His faithfulness and perfect timing.

I have said from day one of us starting the infertility journey that I will gladly walk this road He's called me to if I can help and encourage other women through my experience. I refuse to let my suffering be in vain. Watermark, a church that's 45 minutes from our house, has an infertility ministry that meets weekly. Since 2011, I have asked Husband if I could join the group, even though it wasn't through our church. His answer was consistently no. I asked him for the fourth and final time a few weeks ago, and still received a no. I was frustrated but willing to submit, knowing God brings peace and blessing in allowing husbands to be the head of the home.

Off and on, I've had the desire to start an infertility Bible study or ministry at our church. I knew it was the Lord's leading and His answer to my prayer that my suffering would not be for naught.  However, it never became more than a desire because of my own fear.  Fear that I'd start a group and then get pregnant and cause the women who joined so much pain.  Fear that it would be depressing and women would leave feeling discouraged and hopeless.  Fear that I'm not eloquent enough not significant enough to truly impact anyone else's life. I never trusted that if it was where He wanted me, He would give me everything I need.

Over the past two years, I have had mixed feelings about the church we currently attend, Hope Fellowship. I'll have weeks where I love it, and months where I can't stand it and never want to go back.  A few weeks ago during the service, I felt the Lord clearly tell me I have been complaining and whining about things that I have the ability to change, but have been too lazy to do so. My main argument has been that the sermons lack depth, but I have taken no initiative to download even one of the endless number of "deep sermons" available to me on the internet. I'm wanting to be spoon fed instead of taking charge of my spiritual life. It was extremely humbling, but it also reignited my passion for church (and this time, I think for good... but that's another post).

So I decided it was time to get involved. Perfect timing, because our church had a "Grow Fair" last weekend. They set up tables with different groups we could sign up for. Some were life groups, some were Bible studies, some were classes, and others were interest groups. 

It was extremely crowded and we both felt overwhelmed. At that moment, Libba (the women's pastor) said "Oh you guys are the couple without kids, I have the perfect group for you!"

I know she was only trying to help, but her comment stabbed my heart and I wanted to run from the room crying. We're known as "the couple without kids?!"  

She led us to a table where a young, precious couple was eagerly wanting to recruit couples into their homegroup. They looked to be about 20 years old (and yes, I know we're only 28) but stay with me. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "We just got married a month ago! We have no idea what we're doing but we'd love for you to join our group."

Kenny and I looked at each other and knew this wasn't the group for us. We don't want to be the "parents" of a group of couples who haven't reached their first anniversary yet.  Plus we've been in this situation before... it starts out as  "Young Couples without Kids" but very quickly becomes a nightmare when week after week we hear pregnancy announcements, start receiving birth announcements, and then first birthday invitations.  We've been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

On the way home, Kenny stopped at the store, and in the few minutes I had in the car alone, the flood gates opened. I poured my heart out and wept uncontrollably. I told the Lord He is so unbelievably cruel for sitting in heaven and watching us walk through this while saying it is His best. There's just no way this could be for our good. It's so incredibly painful. I told Him I had a heart to get involved but wasn't feeling a peace about any groups at our church and Husband had repeatedly said no to the group at Watermark. Again, I pleaded with Him to stop being so distant and answer my cries!

As my emotions calmed down, I felt Him nudge my heart again to start an infertility ministry at Hope. But this time with so much more passion and conviction. It was like He said, "Sarah Jane, I've been preparing your heart for this for two and a half years. It is time, my child. Take this leap of faith and let Me show you what I can do! Trust Me."

I went home and emailed Libba, asking her if I could start a group.  Forty eight hours later (which seemed like an eternity), I heard back. It was the shortest email and seemed so harsh.

"Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your note, I had NO idea!!! You guys are amazing and I love your willing spirit to help others. Have you come across any bible studies (curriculum) or resources that speak to this need?

Libba"

I was crushed. I thought maybe I had heard wrong from the Lord. I doubted myself and wanted to give up. As I shared her response with friends, they encouraged me to keep pursuing it and not let satan distract me with his nasty lies.

So I emailed Watermark and asked if they would be willing to share their curriculum and if someone would be willing to walk me through the process of starting a group and teach me how to keep it positive and encouraging. 

Days went by. But finally, I heard back... and it was music to my ears.  They were thrilled I wanted to start a ministry, told me I could use their curriculum, and were willing to meet with me and discuss the how-to's of starting a group.

Wow! So this is how amazing God can be when I let Him work in His way, in His timing!  Suddenly, all the pieces of this puzzle have come together and He has shared with me yet another glimpse of His plan in my suffering.  Yes, it is extremely painful.  But He PROMISES it will not be in vain!

Hallelujah!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the triathlon

Today I begin training for the Monster Triathlon on October 28. 

And the story behind this non-athlete signing up for such an athletic event is quite comical. Yes, everyone I've told so far has laughed at me. That's fine... just adds fuel to my fire!

Here's how it all went down:

Husband had his first softball game last Monday night. (He's playing on a league from our church.) Now I am perfectly content sitting on the bleachers, not talking to anyone. Being social with strangers is so far outside of my comfort zone that it takes a miracle to actually happen. This bugs Husband to no end. He purposely signed up for the men's team (rather than co-ed) so I could make friends with "the wives." 

The game began with me sitting on the far edge of the bleachers, my back to everyone else. It was a late game, starting at 9:00, on the first day of school.  There weren't too many people there and I'm assuming the mommies were putting their children to bed.  About twenty minutes into the game, I had finally convinced myself to talk to one person, solely to appease my husband.

On the opposite side of the bench was a girl who looked my age. She had the most beautiful dog with her and I can always stir up a conversation about dogs. So I scooted down and began my interview. I asked her how old her puppy was, what breed, name, male or female, what she does for a living, etc.

She then asked if I do anything athletic.  The conversation continued like so:

me: I cycle and sometimes run, but that's pretty much it. I work out but don't do team sports.

Kandia: That's cool. I just signed up for a triathlon.

me: Wow! That's intense.

Kandia: Well it's only a sprint triathlon, so the distances are shorter. Plus, the swimming portion is in a natatorium so you won't be in open water.

me: That actually sounds amazing! What are the distances?

Kandia:  Swim 300 meters, bike 12 miles, run a 5k.

me: That actually sounds doable. And I've got two months to train! Hmmm... where do I sign up?

And that was that.

I've been looking for something to keep my mind off of fertility, but also a way to focus my thoughts on the Lord.  Nothing stirs my affections for Him more than being outdoors. And I've always run/cycled without any music so that I could spend the time in prayer and worship.

Another plus is this will encourage me to start eating paleo again. I can't complete a triathlon on a diet of carbs and sugar (which unfortunately has been my sustenance during the past three weeks of torment).

I'm so excited to challenge myself and conquer this next goal.

It's amazing what the Lord can do when you step outside of your comfort zone.  I'm blown away, every time.

"Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1b

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the torment

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written a post. Actually I can. The last month has been excruciatingly painful and it has taken me a long time to pull myself up.  I'll do my best to fill you in using the least amount of words possible, but I don't make any promises.

On July 18 we saw an infertility specialist... for a total of eight minutes. He basically spit out a plan that he must use on all of his new patients. 

Clomid. Ovidrel. Ultrasounds. Progesterone. 

I told myself God must really want me on Clomid since this was the second time I've been told to take it, but I never committed my decision to prayer. When my new cycle began, I started Clomid and a series of ultrasounds. Everything looked perfect. My hormone levels were good. I had three mature eggs ready to be released. My lining was thick. They gave me the Ovidrel shot. I went in for another ultrasound to ensure the eggs released. They did. I started progesterone suppositories. And for the first time in years, my fourteen days of spotting did not happen. I was in heaven! And I just KNEW I was going to be pregnant. 

Our seventh anniversary was coming up. Seven - the number of completion. I was so humbled and amazed at the Lord's timing.  I felt that surely He would end our years of trying and bring us into the new season of parenthood. The baby would be due in April, which would give me six weeks plus summer vacation off. It was perfect. 

But then the torment began. I have never tried so hard not to think about being pregnant. I think my body woke itself up at night and forced me to think about it, as if I could will it into existence. I had constant headaches and I fell off my paleo bandwagon. I planned how I would tell family/friends that we were finally pregnant and shoved any inkling of a feeling that I might not be pregnant away. In my sick little mind, there just was no possibility that it couldn't happen. I counted each and every one of the thirteen days until the doctor said I could take a home pregnancy test.  

*side note - Our anniversary was Monday, August 13. I couldn't take the pregnancy test until Friday, August 17.  So I told Husband we would celebrate our anniversary on that night instead.

August 17 finally rolled around. 

Big. Fat. Negative. 

Followed by the longest descent into the deepest, darkest hole I've ever experienced. I was so angry. No, I didn't cry or allow myself to grieve and heal.  I immediately took matters into my own hands and that same day saw an OBGYN. 

He heard my history and told me Clomid was an old drug and that Femara was a better choice because it doesn't thin the uterine lining. He said he wouldn't do multiple ultrasounds and bloodwork so that would save us money. He said I shouldn't be worrying about progesterone because my body makes it for a living, when it's pregnant. I haven't been pregnant yet so of course the levels are off. He was so arrogant and pushy but I was determined to make myself pregnant that I soaked up every word he said. I forced my feelings aside and started the Femara.

That same evening we went to dinner with friends. This dinner was scheduled to be a celebratory anniversary dinner full of joy and excitement at the mercy and goodness of our God. But instead I was dragged by Husband to keep me from falling deeper into depression. These dear friends struggled for two years with infertility and were due any day with their miracle baby. They suggested that I see their female infertility specialist who had way better bedside manners.

On the way home that night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have forced every event of the last two months, without praying or seeking the Lord's will, to happen.  I had such a peace with the doctor I saw in Austin, and have not felt anything like it since. I knew the Lord closed that door and assumed I needed to find a doctor here. But I realized the Lord has closed the door to doctors... for now.

I can't handle it mentally.  As soon as I see one, all of my energy, hope, and trust goes into their ability to make me pregnant. I obsess over every appointment, every medication, every ultrasound, every cycle day. It's making me crazy. Literally crazy.

So it is finished. For now. No more doctors. No more charting. No more medications. No more ultrasounds. No more sleepless nights during two week waits. And praise the Lord, no more bills for failed treatment coming in the mail!

No more torment.

He alone opens and closes the womb. And He will open mine... in His beautiful, amazing, perfect, sovereign timing.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

merchant ships

This weekend I traveled to six different markets/grocery stores to buy food for the week.  While I was frustrated at the wasted time and gas, I was reminded of this verse:

"She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar."  Proverbs 31 :14

A wise woman once told me this verse might mean going to multiple places to look for good deals and the cheapest prices.  This time around however, it was also to buy the menagerie of foods needed to eat Paleo. 

On Saturday, I drove to the Coppell Farmer's Market to buy grass-fed beef and pastured pork.  I mainly went to buy specifically from Rehoboth Ranch.  I have fallen in love with this family and what they stand for. Every member works out on the ranch in one way or another. The young ones gather eggs, the older ones actually sell meat at farmer's markets around the area.  They have farm tours and even have a potluck dinner for their regular customers who buy in bulk. Their meat is amazing and full of so much flavor. People have asked if I can tell a difference between grass-fed and "regular."  I couldn't tell a difference from grass-fed meats bought at the grocery store. But there is definitely a difference when you buy fresh!

On the way home, I stopped by The Cupboard to get Coconut Aminos (a soy sauce replacement). I called so many stores in our area, and this in the only place that carries it! But while I was there, I found almond butter on sale, so that was definitely a blessing!

Husband had to work Sunday morning, so I had him go to Natural Grocers.  He found this store and said it's like a mini Whole Foods. Good thing he found it because it's a block from my school and Whole Foods is not on my way home. They had tomato products in glass jars. I read an article months ago that said canned tomatoes are one of the worst things you can eat, PLUS they can cause fertility problems. Even after reading the article, I didn't completely stop using them because they were so convenient!! Canned tomatoes no more!!  The glass jar tomatoes are not only healthier, but they are easier to store if I don't need a lot.

That same morning, I loaded up the cooler in Genevieve and set out to gather more groceries.

My first stop, and where Husband and I met up, was Sprouts.  I can buy produce pretty cheap at Sprouts and they carry some organic brands that also have no sugar or salt added. I've learned that just because it's from Sprouts, doesn't make it healthy! Organic sugar is still sugar.  =)

We took a break from shopping and went to church.  We heard an awesome sermon on community and fellowship and I'm sure you'll hear more about it soon.

Next, we went to Costco.  I like to buy bulk frozen fruits and vegetables from here. I also get household items... much cheaper than at grocery stores!  Recently I've learned they have canned salmon and tuna with no soy or salt added. Why does there need to be soy in canned tuna? For goodness' sake!

After Costco, Husband had reached his shopping limit but I kept trekking. (It worked out perfectly, because we were in separate cars and the frozen stuff needed to go home immediately. Cooler or no cooler, everything melts in Texas heat!)  Kroger was my next stop. I love their rotisserie chicken and their strawberries have never been anything but melt-in-your-mouth amazing!! They also make fresh guacamole for about the same price as buying avocados.

I was completely exhausted by the end but felt so frugal and productive! I knew I had all the ingredients I needed to have a successful week of clean, Paleo eating. That is a huge stress reliever for me! Hopefully this will become a weekly ritual and I will learn tricks to make it go faster and smoother.  Boy does it give a whole new meaning to gathering "food from afar."


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

my motto

Over the past two years I have been encouraged, both by my work and our church, to write a personal statement.  A motto.  But I never knew where to start and never felt eloquent enough to put my convictions into words that could be displayed.

During my quiet time tonight, I felt the Lord push me to write down my priorities.  My mind lately has constantly been preoccupied with baby related things. I have found myself literally wanting to beg and plead with the Lord for children.  I need something to replace these thoughts with.

I'm studying the book of Jonah using Priscilla Shirer's Bible study Navigating a Life Interrupted.  In closing today's work, she asked me to meditate on what it would mean to engage fully in His calling. 

His calling.

Not my calling.

I feel like I try so incredibly hard to make my will sound like His will when I pray.  So I asked my stepmom how to pray without sounding controlling and indecisive. My prayers have had a tendency to go like so:

"Lord if it's Your will, I'd like to get pregnant this month. But if it's not Your will, I know You have something better and I trust in You and Your perfect timing. But please God, let this be our month!"

She gave me an example of how a speaker makes a motion, but someone must second it before it can be voted on.  God wants us to partner with Him in executing His will.  My prayers should go more like so:

"Lord I know You have a perfect plan for me, and I ask that You would help me do my part in executing Your will."

As I began to think about what I know His will is for me right now, I realized I am worthless to Him if I am discontent and constantly dwelling on my own desires and will for my life.  When I surrendered to Him, these priorities quickly came to mind, and I believe I've accidentally found my motto.

Every day, I will strive to:
1. be a vessel fit for His use by spending time in His Word, knowing Him more, and obeying His calling
2. be a wife that prays without ceasing and allows my husband to be the spiritual leader in our home
3. be a teacher that loves on her students, instills self-esteem, and individualizes work plans so they will succeed
4. maintain my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit by eating clean and working out

I am committing to yielding to Him and His purposes even when they don't make sense. 


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane


and P.S.  I am hoping (anxiously expecting a miracle, as Beth Moore would say) that someday I can add a number five to my list...

quest for more

"Communion with the Savior is the only thing that makes anything matter." -Katie Davis

I recently read this quote and immediately thought "That's so true!"

But here I am, just a few days later, feeling so lonely, so left out, so desperate.  I'm ready for more.

I don't know very many girls who don't grow up with a dream of getting married, buying a house, having children, and living happily ever after.  I played "house" with my siblings and cousins a million times, not knowing how hard I'd have to fight to actually see that dream become a reality. As little girls, we're just told it will happen.

But it hasn't for me.

So I've pressed in, and drawn near to God. I've asked Him, "Why?" I've expressed my anger. I've repented of my bitterness and idolatry. But I can't seem to shake it...

this feeling that I got the short end of the stick.

I want more!

I've heard so many people say, "You'll never fully understand the depth of God's love until you have your own children."  Or that going through labor and then eventually holding that new life was like experiencing heaven, sheer joy.

So why am I being deprived of knowing my God at a deeper level?  What is He holding out for?   I'm only human, and feel like I can only press in for so long without answers before I simply throw in the towel.

I don't feel like I can take these let-downs any longer. I'm tired of going to baby showers and putting on a fake happy face. I'm tired of acting excited when friends announce their pregnancy. I'm tired of being jealous that others are blessed with the ability to create new life, and "it only took one time."  And I'm tired of hearing I've done nothing wrong. If so, then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

I'm tired of my life being on hold. 

This journey is not only exhausting emotionally and physically. But now financially!  Insurance denies everything!  What else is there to work against me?

God if You don't have children in our future, then what was Your purpose in putting us together, in giving us this desire, and in giving us the hearts of parents?

Was I created to live in this in-between (married, but without children) stage for the rest of my life? 

Your Word says You alone can satisfy.  But I've been pressing in, seeking You, asking to be delivered from this nightmare, but I'm not satisfied.

So where have I missed the mark?  Search my heart oh God and show me what You want from me! 

I'm desperate.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

2012 Olympics!

I think I must be the only person on planet earth who is OBSESSED with the Olympics.

OB-SESSED!

I love the theme song. I love the athlete interviews. I love the competitions. I love the commentators. I love the winning of a gold medal by .001 seconds. I love the pride the athletes have in their own country. I love seeing how much planning, time, and effort goes into putting on an event like this. Let's just say if the Olympics ever come any where close to Dallas, I will be MIA for a minimum of one month, watching them put everything together and then attending the events.

I wait two loooong years for them to be on TV and start my countdowns at least a month before. Growing up, I always seemed to have homework, class, or other projects I was working on that kept me from staying up late and watching every single event. I remember wanting to be an "adult" so I could stay up late and not miss a thing. Well, I've finally grown up!

I finished graduate school today and am celebrating with a week of Olympic watching - homework free!  I cannot begin to express how thrilled I am!!

During summer school, I taught my students about the ancient Olympics. We studied the Greek gods, why the Olympics were started, the events that were held, the torch relay, why they ended and when they started again. We did research projects on different host countries. We watched some of the events to give them an idea of what they would be watching.  One boy commented, "Wow. She's buuuufffff!" regarding pole vaulter Elena Isinbaeva.  I agree... who doesn't love watching super fit, athletic men and women compete!  I love seeing their muscles, agility, and strength... it's beautiful and puts me in even more awe of our Creator!  We discussed good sportsmanship and even held our own mini-Olympics and made gold medals to commemorate the day!  I hope I was able to spread some Olympic spirit.  I bombed on picture taking though... epic fail.

All of my teaching on the Olympics made me even more excited about them.  So tonight I plan to watch the Opening Ceremonies (T minus 33 minutes!) while finishing an owl blanket for my classroom. I've got an herb rubbed loin tip roast baking and can't wait for them to begin. 

A co-worker emailed me these aerial views of Olympic Park. More awe inspiring. <sigh>

Olympic Stadium

Track... some of my favorite events!

How fun would it be to kayak/canoe through London!?

Lord may YOU be glorified as these athletes compete. Thank You for giving them these abilities, the discipline and the perseverance to train.  Thank You for technology that allows me to watch the Olympics from home.  

And P.S.  Can we please have Olympics in heaven someday? I'd really like to be gymnast. 

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

i'm having a blast!

"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'  Then God said, 'I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.' And it was so."    Genesis 1:28-30

 I am praising the Lord today for these verses that I have so often looked over.  He gave us every animal and every plant for our enjoyment and for food!  It has been such an eye-opening experience learning about how food is processed and digested, experimenting with fresh vegetables, learning how to substitute almond/coconut flour for white/wheat flour, looking for grass-fed meat farms and Community Supported Agriculture groups, and researching and then cooking Paleo recipes.  Food has never tasted so rich or been so vibrant in color, pure beauty! I'm having a blast cooking!

I have baked before (mainly the usual... cakes, brownies, cookies, pies) and cooked simple recipes... pretty much anything that was in my comfort zone. If the recipe called for an ingredient I had never heard of or seen, if I didn't know how to chop it or where to buy it, I refused to try it.  If the preparation time was too long, the process too messy, or it required several different dishes, forget it! 

But switching to Paleo has really forced me out of my comfort zone. Can I get a Hallelujah? Praise the Lord! And Amen!

This week I've made fajitas wrapped in lettuce (not cabbage!)...

sweet potato recovery bars (with homemade sweet potato puree)...

a ginormous omelet (this one was a disaster!)...

cookies with almond flour and coconut nectar...

garlic mashed potatoes (which was actually cauliflower)...

and spaghetti with spaghetti squash, but I didn't get a picture.

Okay so I'm definitely not a food photographer. And maybe the foods I've cooked with are foods you've been cooking with since age five. But I've branched out, and those of you who know me, know that's huge! (Especially since I was so addicted to carbohydrates and sugar.)

For the last two years, it seems the only thing that's been on my mind has been my infertility. I know... "relax, and it will happen!"  I'd like to see you walk this road and see how you handle that statement.  It's not easy to just relax and not think about being the one thing I feel I was created to be... a mom!

But the Lord has finally led me to a place where I can set my mind on something other than fertility, and it's actually become a beautiful worship experience.  Matt Chandler, from the Village Church, once said that everything we find pleasure in should result in worship to our Creator!  These past few years my time with the Lord has been sweet, but out of desperation... a crying out for Him to hear my prayers and draw near to me!  But in the last two weeks it has turned into a very different experience. It has been full of praise, adoration, and gratefulness. He has filled my cup to overflowing!  I never would have thought giving up carbohydrates and sugar meant getting more of Jesus!

This morning I found this...

ONE pink flower growing amidst a hundred white ones.  My favorite color is pink so I couldn't help but think of this as the Lord smiling down on me. Oh how well he knows me!

He is beautiful. And I'm so glad He's leading me in His ways, not mine.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

lifestyle... redefined.

So much has happened the past few weeks I don't even know where to start.  But instead of dropping the bombshell, I'll go back to the beginning.

Six months ago when Husband and I started seeing doctors for my infertility, I was researching every natural alternative fertility treatment on the internet that I could find (I still am).  I looked at herbal supplements, nutrition, muscle testing, vitamins, etc.  Around the same time, a fad of "eating for your blood type" diets were going around. I knew I was O+ and that meant I should be on the Paleo diet. I knew maybe one or two people who were on Paleo. That meant cutting out all dairy, carbs, and sugar, which I absolutely refused to do. I remember thinking, "I get one life, I'm going to live it like I want and eat what I want." 

During my quiet times, I gently felt the Lord convicting me about my eating habits.  This verse repeatedly came to mind.

  "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own..."  

1 Corinthians 6:19  (emphasis mine)

Eating the way I had been left me so tired and lethargic. How can I be of use to the Lord when I'm constantly sleeping! But being the stubborn, must-learn-lessons-the-hard-way child that I am, I pushed these convictions aside.  I had bought a book about eating in moderation but never read it. If I started a "diet," it never lasted more than a day. To be honest, I think my eating got worse.

Fast forward five months... several of my friends had now converted to Paleo and were constantly posting pictures of their meals on Facebook. Meals that actually looked yummy! Meals I wanted to try.

So I started researching Paleo. Within minutes I was appalled at the foods I had been eating. Foods I had been told were healthy.  Foods I lived on. (This website is a great resource.)  These foods were carbohydrates (whole grains included), dairy, and sugar. 

What finally got my attention was that these foods could cause infertility.

Hold up... that meant the cinnamon roll I had for breakfast along with my chai tea could be keeping us from having children!?! What a simple fix!!

If that didn't do it, I also read these foods can cause autoimmune diseases (cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia... some pretty scary diseases).  My mom was diagnosed with MS about five years ago and I know it's genetic. I've seen what it's done to her and I don't want it happening to me.

The day after researching this, I went to see a nutritionist.  I'm praying the Lord will use her to regulate my hormones because I can't stand much more of this craziness! BUT, she asked if I had heard of Paleo and said if I'd be willing to commit to it that the supplements would work so much faster.  She asked if I knew my blood type (O+) and then said it's even more important that I switch.  People who are O+ generally crave carbohydrates and sugar.  After thirty days of not eating them, the cravings go away. 

How nice would that be!?

I already knew the Lord had been leading me this way. And I am SO thankful He never gives up.  I am finally switching to Paleo!! (Better late than never, right?)  And it is a new lifestyle for me, not a diet.  If eating this way glorifies the Lord, prepares my body for a baby, and prevents MS... I'm all for it, for life!

I've also changed my workout routine from solid cardio five times per week, to mostly lifting weights with a little cardio mixed in.  This picture totally sums up my thoughts, both then and now.

I am continually amazed at the love God pours out on His children.  Even when they don't listen, they pout, and they think they know best, but He never gives up.  He truly knows best for each and every one of us. I am so excited for this new journey and can't wait to see what God's got up His sleeves next.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

battlefield

As the usual roller coasters of infertile emotions go, this week has been no different.  Absolutely unpredictable.  Aunt Flo came and left in a whirlwind and instead of my hope being restored, I have found myself battling depression like never before.  With Obamacare being passed, my body still sending me "hostile-to-all-new-life" signals, and my fertility time clock ticking, I have found it nearly impossible to see God's purpose for putting me here. 

I told Husband last night that I can't seem to connect my head knowledge with how my heart is feeling. I know God is good, but I feel forgotten. I know His word says He gives us the desires of our heart, but I feel like I'm being left out.  I keep thinking of children standing in line for their turn to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool.  And the Lifeguard keeps telling me to hang on, while letting others go ahead of me. He keeps praising me for being so patient and tells me not to give up as He gives others two, three, even four turns.... I feel like I will be waiting my turn forever.

I came home from school today with a dull but seemingly never-ending headache.  My plans to work out and make dinner were pushed to the back burner.  I had my pajamas on by 5:30 and was nestled on the couch for my nightly blog surfing and reading. 

I went through my bookmark list, seeing if anything caught my eye.  As my most recent finding, Meet Mrs Smith was last on the list.  (For those of you who know of Delirious, this is Martin Smith's wife's blog.)  The title of her latest post was "Ahoy!" and she had a picture of two women canoeing down their flooded street.  To my surprise, this was actually a post about God's promises and staying faithful when those promises don't seem to be coming to fruition... especially with regards to infertility. This is coming from a woman with six children who, because of how often she writes about it, must have several friends struggling with infertility.

Boy was I in for a good, stern talking to.

After reading "Ahoy," I went over to Thursday's Babies, a blog recommended by Mrs. Smith.  I felt the Lord stir in my heart when I read this paragraph:

"I felt the Holy Spirit drop into my heart that this is a battle. A battle for the next generation of children to rise up and take their place. In Genesis 3:15 God is talking to the serpent who has tempted and deceived Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden into eating of the fruit of the tree that the Lord forbade them to eat from. The Lord says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heal." The enemy is not as keen as God is to see our children born."

This is a battle.  Every month is a battle.  A battle I all too often let satan win.  Month after month I throw in the towel and say I give up.  I whine because I think it's more than I can handle.  I believe the enemy's lies and doubt my faithful God.  I become useless in my Maker's hands. 

However, what my loving and gracious God showed me was that I may lose battle after battle, but my God has WON the war!  Whether I have children or not will not change the fact that I serve a victorious God who is ECSTATIC about creating life inside of me. So ecstatic in fact that He is unwilling to bless us with pregnancy without first growing our faith and trust in Him.  He is making us strong and able soldiers so that we can raise strong and able soldiers for His army. Wow! What an awesome task.

I then decided to continue reading from J.I. Packer's "Knowing God."  I've been slowly working my way through this book, soaking it up after each chapter. I've felt the Lord nudging me to pick it up again lately and (not to my surprise) tonight was the night!  

I had left off on the chapter that explains God's majesty and how we tend to take the fact that He is a personal God to mean that He "is a person of the same sort as we are - weak, inadequate, ineffective, a little pathetic. We think of God as too much like what we are."  How I've fallen into this trap!  How could I ignore the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me and believe I've been abandoned?!  

Packer continues, "God has not abandoned us any more than than He abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom He has set His love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of His sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of His own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior."  

What powerful words!!  I pray the Lord will continue to teach me, correct me, and grow me as I meditate on these words and in His word this week. I love how Packer closed this chapter:

"How slow we are to believe in God as God, sovereign, all-seeing and almighty! How little we make of the majesty of our Lord and Savior Christ! The need for us is to 'wait upon the Lord' in meditations on His majesty, till we find our strength renewed through the writing of these things upon our hearts."

You'd think by now I'd learn that getting angry and pulling away from God is like a spiritual death sentence.  I'm praying I will learn to draw so much closer to Him as each month of unfulfilled desires passes. He is good. He is victorious. He has won this war!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

greatest gift

Husband and I sought further wisdom and council and do not feel one hundred percent confident that acupuncture is the path the Lord wants us on.

I am beyond frustrated.  I had my blood drawn (on vacation, thank you very much) and the lab lost my results.  That's right... lost... as in "cannot be recovered."  The customer service lady said she called Texas, Arizona (where blood was drawn), California, Nevada, and Utah collection labs and no one has results. The lab I went to has record of me being there but nothing after that. 

Perfect. Just perfect.

Now I get to endure another month of agony and unbalanced hormones.

Extreme fatigue. Headaches. Acne. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Hair loss.  

These are not symptoms I'm willing to live with.

So we've decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist... aka infertility specialist.

If the Lord does not have children for me, that's fine (although it kinda has to be fine).  But I can't stand this hormonal imbalance.

But this also means accepting the reality that I am in fact infertile. I hate accepting and owning this label. 

As I'm typing this, the Lord has shown me I teach children who are labeled... with a learning difference.  However, because of their label, their weaknesses are specifically targeted. And as a result, their treatment is successful and their learning difference remediated. Many parents are reluctant to label their child. But I've seen only good things from it. 

A little girl in my class today mentioned she had dyslexia when another teacher corrected her spelling. She looked embarrassed for admitting it. She's new to the school and did not realize everyone at Shelton has some kind of learning difference. The boy sitting next to her chimed in, "I have dyslexia too!" with a smile on his face.  A tiny grin appeared across her face and she went back to work.  She knew she was in the right place.  I often teach my students that their weakness (dyslexia or ADHD) can become their greatest strength and gift if they learn how to cope with it and use it to their advantage.  

Dyslexics are great "big picture" thinkers... Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein were dyslexic. ADHD kids are very detailed oriented and can often hyper-focus... Jerry Pinkney (amazing, watercolor illustrator) has ADHD.

So maybe me accepting my label (not as a punishment, but as a gift from God) is right where God wants me... in an infertility specialist's office, asking for his help and expertise, knowing that God gave him the gift of helping infertiles.  I've always said the Lord alone creates life... and for some reason that has meant I couldn't see a specialist.  I was wrong.  As long as I continue to give God all the glory, He can use a specialist to help us get pregnant. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, 

declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

acupuncture

Yes, I said acupuncture.  We've decided to try it as the next step in trying to conceive.

I feel like God might be closing the doors of seeing medical doctors. He definitely cut the strings from my favorite NaPro doctor in Austin, and I'm beginning to doubt my NaPro doctor here. I feel like he's been taking a shot in the dark trying to regulate my hormones. I don't have an OB/GYN and feel like we wouldn't agree on treatment plans anyway. I'm assuming they'll automatically want to do IUI or in vitro, but husband and I aren't ready to do either (for both personal and financial reasons).

While visiting with a friend one night, she suggested acupuncture and said she knew many friends that conceived because of it...

DISCLAIMER: I wholeheartedly believe when we conceive some day it will be because the Lord's timing was perfect and because He created life. He does not need doctors, level hormones, acupuncture, surgery, or even IUI to make a baby (although He can use any and all of the above). 

... I was skeptical at first, but she encouraged me to pray about it. I went home and prayed the Lord would direct my research and open doors as He saw fit.  Enter Dr. Zhou!  I pulled up the website for Acupuncture and Alternative Medicine of Dallas and noticed she specializes in infertility... especially "unexplained infertility."  Just as the Lord led me to the doctor in Austin with His undeniable peace, I know he will continue to lead us with his peace.

That same day I received confirmations from three other people about acupuncture. I called Dr. Zhou and made an appointment for two weeks from now.  I'm still praying about it and seeking wisdom. But that's where we're at.

“Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”  1 Samuel 1:17

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

a newfound love

I love books! I love reading them, I love learning from them, I love smelling them, I love placing them on my shelf when I'm finished, I love collecting them, and I love telling others about them.

I dream of one day having an old-fashioned library with shelves from floor to ceiling, sliding ladders and a reading nook. Oh the hours I will spend there...

But since I don't have one yet, I spent the past week in my first graduate class on Diagnosing Learning Different Children.  Being a reading teacher at a school for dyslexic children, I was excited to learn how my students were diagnosed and what exactly defined their disability.  Not only are my students dyslexic, but they also have severe expressive and receptive language issues (which means they have difficulty understanding what is being spoken to them and expressing their own thoughts). 

My students hate loathe reading... with a passion.  I can't say I blame them. It is so hard for them and requires so much energy just to decode the words that there is no room in their brain for comprehension. What fun is reading a book you don't understand?  On top of that, most of them don't fully get the sarcasm or humor, it just goes over their head.  One of them actually said to me, "We don't understand a lot of things. We spend most of our lives confused."  Can you imagine?  They know they're different.

In my reading homework, I was appalled to learn these statistics:
- 44% of our nation's fourth-grade children are reading below grade level (and 32% of those have college-educated parents!)
- 20% of elementary children have a learning disability, but only 5-6% are receiving "special" instruction

which has lead to these illiteracy rates:
-75% of unemployed
-85% of juveniles who appear in court
-60% of prison inmates

So (hypothetically speaking) our tax money is going to build prisons to house illiterate inmates who were not taught enough reading skills to get a job so they had to resort to a life of crime to make ends meet....

But what I took away from class this week was a passion yearning to instill in my students a love for reading and a sense of self-worth. This past year I was so focused on teaching the basic, requirements for my students. And because mine have severe language issues, most of what I teach is language. We don't usually have a lot of time for reading enrichment... even though it's a "reading enrichment" class.

So here's my game plan:
1. Quit teaching piano to have more time after school for lesson planning and reading.
2. Plan a weekend retreat with no distractions to learn more and plan.
3. Read these books BEFORE school starts.

4. Meet with reading enrichment mentor monthly to share creative ideas and brainstorm.
5. Read a book a month (just like in high school) and share on blog to enhance my own reading skills and set an example for my students. Here's what I've got so far, although I'd like to include books my students are reading so we can talk about them together.

"An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." 

Proverbs 18:15

I believe instilling in my students a love for reading and a thirst for knowledge will be one of the greatest things I can give them... something that can never be taken away.  And I will fervently pray the Lord will one day use their knowledge to bring them closer to Him.

Teach me more Lord so I can teach Your children.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane