quest for more

"Communion with the Savior is the only thing that makes anything matter." -Katie Davis

I recently read this quote and immediately thought "That's so true!"

But here I am, just a few days later, feeling so lonely, so left out, so desperate.  I'm ready for more.

I don't know very many girls who don't grow up with a dream of getting married, buying a house, having children, and living happily ever after.  I played "house" with my siblings and cousins a million times, not knowing how hard I'd have to fight to actually see that dream become a reality. As little girls, we're just told it will happen.

But it hasn't for me.

So I've pressed in, and drawn near to God. I've asked Him, "Why?" I've expressed my anger. I've repented of my bitterness and idolatry. But I can't seem to shake it...

this feeling that I got the short end of the stick.

I want more!

I've heard so many people say, "You'll never fully understand the depth of God's love until you have your own children."  Or that going through labor and then eventually holding that new life was like experiencing heaven, sheer joy.

So why am I being deprived of knowing my God at a deeper level?  What is He holding out for?   I'm only human, and feel like I can only press in for so long without answers before I simply throw in the towel.

I don't feel like I can take these let-downs any longer. I'm tired of going to baby showers and putting on a fake happy face. I'm tired of acting excited when friends announce their pregnancy. I'm tired of being jealous that others are blessed with the ability to create new life, and "it only took one time."  And I'm tired of hearing I've done nothing wrong. If so, then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

I'm tired of my life being on hold. 

This journey is not only exhausting emotionally and physically. But now financially!  Insurance denies everything!  What else is there to work against me?

God if You don't have children in our future, then what was Your purpose in putting us together, in giving us this desire, and in giving us the hearts of parents?

Was I created to live in this in-between (married, but without children) stage for the rest of my life? 

Your Word says You alone can satisfy.  But I've been pressing in, seeking You, asking to be delivered from this nightmare, but I'm not satisfied.

So where have I missed the mark?  Search my heart oh God and show me what You want from me! 

I'm desperate.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

2012 Olympics!

I think I must be the only person on planet earth who is OBSESSED with the Olympics.

OB-SESSED!

I love the theme song. I love the athlete interviews. I love the competitions. I love the commentators. I love the winning of a gold medal by .001 seconds. I love the pride the athletes have in their own country. I love seeing how much planning, time, and effort goes into putting on an event like this. Let's just say if the Olympics ever come any where close to Dallas, I will be MIA for a minimum of one month, watching them put everything together and then attending the events.

I wait two loooong years for them to be on TV and start my countdowns at least a month before. Growing up, I always seemed to have homework, class, or other projects I was working on that kept me from staying up late and watching every single event. I remember wanting to be an "adult" so I could stay up late and not miss a thing. Well, I've finally grown up!

I finished graduate school today and am celebrating with a week of Olympic watching - homework free!  I cannot begin to express how thrilled I am!!

During summer school, I taught my students about the ancient Olympics. We studied the Greek gods, why the Olympics were started, the events that were held, the torch relay, why they ended and when they started again. We did research projects on different host countries. We watched some of the events to give them an idea of what they would be watching.  One boy commented, "Wow. She's buuuufffff!" regarding pole vaulter Elena Isinbaeva.  I agree... who doesn't love watching super fit, athletic men and women compete!  I love seeing their muscles, agility, and strength... it's beautiful and puts me in even more awe of our Creator!  We discussed good sportsmanship and even held our own mini-Olympics and made gold medals to commemorate the day!  I hope I was able to spread some Olympic spirit.  I bombed on picture taking though... epic fail.

All of my teaching on the Olympics made me even more excited about them.  So tonight I plan to watch the Opening Ceremonies (T minus 33 minutes!) while finishing an owl blanket for my classroom. I've got an herb rubbed loin tip roast baking and can't wait for them to begin. 

A co-worker emailed me these aerial views of Olympic Park. More awe inspiring. <sigh>

Olympic Stadium

Track... some of my favorite events!

How fun would it be to kayak/canoe through London!?

Lord may YOU be glorified as these athletes compete. Thank You for giving them these abilities, the discipline and the perseverance to train.  Thank You for technology that allows me to watch the Olympics from home.  

And P.S.  Can we please have Olympics in heaven someday? I'd really like to be gymnast. 

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

i'm having a blast!

"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'  Then God said, 'I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.' And it was so."    Genesis 1:28-30

 I am praising the Lord today for these verses that I have so often looked over.  He gave us every animal and every plant for our enjoyment and for food!  It has been such an eye-opening experience learning about how food is processed and digested, experimenting with fresh vegetables, learning how to substitute almond/coconut flour for white/wheat flour, looking for grass-fed meat farms and Community Supported Agriculture groups, and researching and then cooking Paleo recipes.  Food has never tasted so rich or been so vibrant in color, pure beauty! I'm having a blast cooking!

I have baked before (mainly the usual... cakes, brownies, cookies, pies) and cooked simple recipes... pretty much anything that was in my comfort zone. If the recipe called for an ingredient I had never heard of or seen, if I didn't know how to chop it or where to buy it, I refused to try it.  If the preparation time was too long, the process too messy, or it required several different dishes, forget it! 

But switching to Paleo has really forced me out of my comfort zone. Can I get a Hallelujah? Praise the Lord! And Amen!

This week I've made fajitas wrapped in lettuce (not cabbage!)...

sweet potato recovery bars (with homemade sweet potato puree)...

a ginormous omelet (this one was a disaster!)...

cookies with almond flour and coconut nectar...

garlic mashed potatoes (which was actually cauliflower)...

and spaghetti with spaghetti squash, but I didn't get a picture.

Okay so I'm definitely not a food photographer. And maybe the foods I've cooked with are foods you've been cooking with since age five. But I've branched out, and those of you who know me, know that's huge! (Especially since I was so addicted to carbohydrates and sugar.)

For the last two years, it seems the only thing that's been on my mind has been my infertility. I know... "relax, and it will happen!"  I'd like to see you walk this road and see how you handle that statement.  It's not easy to just relax and not think about being the one thing I feel I was created to be... a mom!

But the Lord has finally led me to a place where I can set my mind on something other than fertility, and it's actually become a beautiful worship experience.  Matt Chandler, from the Village Church, once said that everything we find pleasure in should result in worship to our Creator!  These past few years my time with the Lord has been sweet, but out of desperation... a crying out for Him to hear my prayers and draw near to me!  But in the last two weeks it has turned into a very different experience. It has been full of praise, adoration, and gratefulness. He has filled my cup to overflowing!  I never would have thought giving up carbohydrates and sugar meant getting more of Jesus!

This morning I found this...

ONE pink flower growing amidst a hundred white ones.  My favorite color is pink so I couldn't help but think of this as the Lord smiling down on me. Oh how well he knows me!

He is beautiful. And I'm so glad He's leading me in His ways, not mine.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

lifestyle... redefined.

So much has happened the past few weeks I don't even know where to start.  But instead of dropping the bombshell, I'll go back to the beginning.

Six months ago when Husband and I started seeing doctors for my infertility, I was researching every natural alternative fertility treatment on the internet that I could find (I still am).  I looked at herbal supplements, nutrition, muscle testing, vitamins, etc.  Around the same time, a fad of "eating for your blood type" diets were going around. I knew I was O+ and that meant I should be on the Paleo diet. I knew maybe one or two people who were on Paleo. That meant cutting out all dairy, carbs, and sugar, which I absolutely refused to do. I remember thinking, "I get one life, I'm going to live it like I want and eat what I want." 

During my quiet times, I gently felt the Lord convicting me about my eating habits.  This verse repeatedly came to mind.

  "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own..."  

1 Corinthians 6:19  (emphasis mine)

Eating the way I had been left me so tired and lethargic. How can I be of use to the Lord when I'm constantly sleeping! But being the stubborn, must-learn-lessons-the-hard-way child that I am, I pushed these convictions aside.  I had bought a book about eating in moderation but never read it. If I started a "diet," it never lasted more than a day. To be honest, I think my eating got worse.

Fast forward five months... several of my friends had now converted to Paleo and were constantly posting pictures of their meals on Facebook. Meals that actually looked yummy! Meals I wanted to try.

So I started researching Paleo. Within minutes I was appalled at the foods I had been eating. Foods I had been told were healthy.  Foods I lived on. (This website is a great resource.)  These foods were carbohydrates (whole grains included), dairy, and sugar. 

What finally got my attention was that these foods could cause infertility.

Hold up... that meant the cinnamon roll I had for breakfast along with my chai tea could be keeping us from having children!?! What a simple fix!!

If that didn't do it, I also read these foods can cause autoimmune diseases (cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia... some pretty scary diseases).  My mom was diagnosed with MS about five years ago and I know it's genetic. I've seen what it's done to her and I don't want it happening to me.

The day after researching this, I went to see a nutritionist.  I'm praying the Lord will use her to regulate my hormones because I can't stand much more of this craziness! BUT, she asked if I had heard of Paleo and said if I'd be willing to commit to it that the supplements would work so much faster.  She asked if I knew my blood type (O+) and then said it's even more important that I switch.  People who are O+ generally crave carbohydrates and sugar.  After thirty days of not eating them, the cravings go away. 

How nice would that be!?

I already knew the Lord had been leading me this way. And I am SO thankful He never gives up.  I am finally switching to Paleo!! (Better late than never, right?)  And it is a new lifestyle for me, not a diet.  If eating this way glorifies the Lord, prepares my body for a baby, and prevents MS... I'm all for it, for life!

I've also changed my workout routine from solid cardio five times per week, to mostly lifting weights with a little cardio mixed in.  This picture totally sums up my thoughts, both then and now.

I am continually amazed at the love God pours out on His children.  Even when they don't listen, they pout, and they think they know best, but He never gives up.  He truly knows best for each and every one of us. I am so excited for this new journey and can't wait to see what God's got up His sleeves next.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

battlefield

As the usual roller coasters of infertile emotions go, this week has been no different.  Absolutely unpredictable.  Aunt Flo came and left in a whirlwind and instead of my hope being restored, I have found myself battling depression like never before.  With Obamacare being passed, my body still sending me "hostile-to-all-new-life" signals, and my fertility time clock ticking, I have found it nearly impossible to see God's purpose for putting me here. 

I told Husband last night that I can't seem to connect my head knowledge with how my heart is feeling. I know God is good, but I feel forgotten. I know His word says He gives us the desires of our heart, but I feel like I'm being left out.  I keep thinking of children standing in line for their turn to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool.  And the Lifeguard keeps telling me to hang on, while letting others go ahead of me. He keeps praising me for being so patient and tells me not to give up as He gives others two, three, even four turns.... I feel like I will be waiting my turn forever.

I came home from school today with a dull but seemingly never-ending headache.  My plans to work out and make dinner were pushed to the back burner.  I had my pajamas on by 5:30 and was nestled on the couch for my nightly blog surfing and reading. 

I went through my bookmark list, seeing if anything caught my eye.  As my most recent finding, Meet Mrs Smith was last on the list.  (For those of you who know of Delirious, this is Martin Smith's wife's blog.)  The title of her latest post was "Ahoy!" and she had a picture of two women canoeing down their flooded street.  To my surprise, this was actually a post about God's promises and staying faithful when those promises don't seem to be coming to fruition... especially with regards to infertility. This is coming from a woman with six children who, because of how often she writes about it, must have several friends struggling with infertility.

Boy was I in for a good, stern talking to.

After reading "Ahoy," I went over to Thursday's Babies, a blog recommended by Mrs. Smith.  I felt the Lord stir in my heart when I read this paragraph:

"I felt the Holy Spirit drop into my heart that this is a battle. A battle for the next generation of children to rise up and take their place. In Genesis 3:15 God is talking to the serpent who has tempted and deceived Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden into eating of the fruit of the tree that the Lord forbade them to eat from. The Lord says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heal." The enemy is not as keen as God is to see our children born."

This is a battle.  Every month is a battle.  A battle I all too often let satan win.  Month after month I throw in the towel and say I give up.  I whine because I think it's more than I can handle.  I believe the enemy's lies and doubt my faithful God.  I become useless in my Maker's hands. 

However, what my loving and gracious God showed me was that I may lose battle after battle, but my God has WON the war!  Whether I have children or not will not change the fact that I serve a victorious God who is ECSTATIC about creating life inside of me. So ecstatic in fact that He is unwilling to bless us with pregnancy without first growing our faith and trust in Him.  He is making us strong and able soldiers so that we can raise strong and able soldiers for His army. Wow! What an awesome task.

I then decided to continue reading from J.I. Packer's "Knowing God."  I've been slowly working my way through this book, soaking it up after each chapter. I've felt the Lord nudging me to pick it up again lately and (not to my surprise) tonight was the night!  

I had left off on the chapter that explains God's majesty and how we tend to take the fact that He is a personal God to mean that He "is a person of the same sort as we are - weak, inadequate, ineffective, a little pathetic. We think of God as too much like what we are."  How I've fallen into this trap!  How could I ignore the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me and believe I've been abandoned?!  

Packer continues, "God has not abandoned us any more than than He abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom He has set His love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of His sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of His own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior."  

What powerful words!!  I pray the Lord will continue to teach me, correct me, and grow me as I meditate on these words and in His word this week. I love how Packer closed this chapter:

"How slow we are to believe in God as God, sovereign, all-seeing and almighty! How little we make of the majesty of our Lord and Savior Christ! The need for us is to 'wait upon the Lord' in meditations on His majesty, till we find our strength renewed through the writing of these things upon our hearts."

You'd think by now I'd learn that getting angry and pulling away from God is like a spiritual death sentence.  I'm praying I will learn to draw so much closer to Him as each month of unfulfilled desires passes. He is good. He is victorious. He has won this war!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane