shiloh

This last Tuesday I went to my first infertility Bible study meeting.  I got the approval from our church to start an infertility ministry, but not until 2013.  At first I was bummed that I couldn't start immediately. But the Lord was very quick to show me that just because He gave the "okay" doesn't mean I'm fully ready. We have a lot of work to do!

I decided (with Husband's approval) to attend this Bible study even though it is so far from where we live. If I'm going to lead it, I want to have gone through it. The leader is absolutely amazing! She is so genuine, such a beautiful example of Christ.  She opens up her home each week and leads ten girls through a curriculum written by Julie Fowler.  Being a former IFer herself (she struggled with it for eight years and then was blessed with triplet girls!), she truly understands where we're coming from but also has wisdom beyond her years now that she is on the other side. I am so encouraged and inspired by her example. 

The are no family pictures in the room we meet in, to ease our pain and help us feel safe. She said her entire family is supportive of her leading this group. Her daughters (now in college) are honored that their story is able to comfort and encouraged so many women. I'm blown away at how many ways God has used her infertility to bless everyone in the family, as well as anyone who enters their home. It's beautiful.

During our meeting, she mentioned the song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack.  If you haven't heard this song, you must google it ASAP!  It was our theme song when I was on the drill team in high school, and now it will hold an even dearer place in my heart.

Instead of sitting out, she encouraged us to learn to "dance" through this season. God has purposely put me here for many reasons. And He has much for me to accomplish during this time. I pray that as I work my way through this study (no matter how many tears I shed or how much pain I feel) God will draw me closer to Him and that I would accomplish all He has for me in this season.

The name of the study is "Shiloh" which means a place of rest. This is a quote from the writer's introduction:

"While I had struggled with sitting out and missing out, God was calling me to 'rest' instead. He was asking me to join Him in the plans He had for me and to rest in His love, goodness, and sovereignty. I was being asked to present my desires to Him and then surrender and trust in His perfect plan. Would I believe that He is in control? Would I believe that He is good?"

It's so good to be going through a study geared specifically for what I'm going through. I've done many other studies, and completed them with infertility in mind.  This one is just different. A good different.

Each week we have to memorize a verse. I chose two for this week. One as a reminder for me wanting to start a ministry, and the other is for me personally. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

1 Peter 1:6-7

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the timing

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've begged the Lord to draw near to me again. Over the past six months, I've felt Him slowly slip away and lead me through a valley I knew was coming. (read about it here)  I know He has purpose in everything He does, and I can't wait to see all His purposes in having me not only walk the road of infertility, but in enduring this recent time in the desert.

However, I can say with complete assurance that His time has come to lead me out! Hallelujah!

I feel such a peace with our decision to stop fertility treatments. That was a tremendous burden, which I don't even think I knew I was carrying, and it has been lifted. Hallelujah!

But the biggest change of all has brought me to my knees and I am rejoicing in the Lord for His faithfulness and perfect timing.

I have said from day one of us starting the infertility journey that I will gladly walk this road He's called me to if I can help and encourage other women through my experience. I refuse to let my suffering be in vain. Watermark, a church that's 45 minutes from our house, has an infertility ministry that meets weekly. Since 2011, I have asked Husband if I could join the group, even though it wasn't through our church. His answer was consistently no. I asked him for the fourth and final time a few weeks ago, and still received a no. I was frustrated but willing to submit, knowing God brings peace and blessing in allowing husbands to be the head of the home.

Off and on, I've had the desire to start an infertility Bible study or ministry at our church. I knew it was the Lord's leading and His answer to my prayer that my suffering would not be for naught.  However, it never became more than a desire because of my own fear.  Fear that I'd start a group and then get pregnant and cause the women who joined so much pain.  Fear that it would be depressing and women would leave feeling discouraged and hopeless.  Fear that I'm not eloquent enough not significant enough to truly impact anyone else's life. I never trusted that if it was where He wanted me, He would give me everything I need.

Over the past two years, I have had mixed feelings about the church we currently attend, Hope Fellowship. I'll have weeks where I love it, and months where I can't stand it and never want to go back.  A few weeks ago during the service, I felt the Lord clearly tell me I have been complaining and whining about things that I have the ability to change, but have been too lazy to do so. My main argument has been that the sermons lack depth, but I have taken no initiative to download even one of the endless number of "deep sermons" available to me on the internet. I'm wanting to be spoon fed instead of taking charge of my spiritual life. It was extremely humbling, but it also reignited my passion for church (and this time, I think for good... but that's another post).

So I decided it was time to get involved. Perfect timing, because our church had a "Grow Fair" last weekend. They set up tables with different groups we could sign up for. Some were life groups, some were Bible studies, some were classes, and others were interest groups. 

It was extremely crowded and we both felt overwhelmed. At that moment, Libba (the women's pastor) said "Oh you guys are the couple without kids, I have the perfect group for you!"

I know she was only trying to help, but her comment stabbed my heart and I wanted to run from the room crying. We're known as "the couple without kids?!"  

She led us to a table where a young, precious couple was eagerly wanting to recruit couples into their homegroup. They looked to be about 20 years old (and yes, I know we're only 28) but stay with me. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "We just got married a month ago! We have no idea what we're doing but we'd love for you to join our group."

Kenny and I looked at each other and knew this wasn't the group for us. We don't want to be the "parents" of a group of couples who haven't reached their first anniversary yet.  Plus we've been in this situation before... it starts out as  "Young Couples without Kids" but very quickly becomes a nightmare when week after week we hear pregnancy announcements, start receiving birth announcements, and then first birthday invitations.  We've been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

On the way home, Kenny stopped at the store, and in the few minutes I had in the car alone, the flood gates opened. I poured my heart out and wept uncontrollably. I told the Lord He is so unbelievably cruel for sitting in heaven and watching us walk through this while saying it is His best. There's just no way this could be for our good. It's so incredibly painful. I told Him I had a heart to get involved but wasn't feeling a peace about any groups at our church and Husband had repeatedly said no to the group at Watermark. Again, I pleaded with Him to stop being so distant and answer my cries!

As my emotions calmed down, I felt Him nudge my heart again to start an infertility ministry at Hope. But this time with so much more passion and conviction. It was like He said, "Sarah Jane, I've been preparing your heart for this for two and a half years. It is time, my child. Take this leap of faith and let Me show you what I can do! Trust Me."

I went home and emailed Libba, asking her if I could start a group.  Forty eight hours later (which seemed like an eternity), I heard back. It was the shortest email and seemed so harsh.

"Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your note, I had NO idea!!! You guys are amazing and I love your willing spirit to help others. Have you come across any bible studies (curriculum) or resources that speak to this need?

Libba"

I was crushed. I thought maybe I had heard wrong from the Lord. I doubted myself and wanted to give up. As I shared her response with friends, they encouraged me to keep pursuing it and not let satan distract me with his nasty lies.

So I emailed Watermark and asked if they would be willing to share their curriculum and if someone would be willing to walk me through the process of starting a group and teach me how to keep it positive and encouraging. 

Days went by. But finally, I heard back... and it was music to my ears.  They were thrilled I wanted to start a ministry, told me I could use their curriculum, and were willing to meet with me and discuss the how-to's of starting a group.

Wow! So this is how amazing God can be when I let Him work in His way, in His timing!  Suddenly, all the pieces of this puzzle have come together and He has shared with me yet another glimpse of His plan in my suffering.  Yes, it is extremely painful.  But He PROMISES it will not be in vain!

Hallelujah!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the triathlon

Today I begin training for the Monster Triathlon on October 28. 

And the story behind this non-athlete signing up for such an athletic event is quite comical. Yes, everyone I've told so far has laughed at me. That's fine... just adds fuel to my fire!

Here's how it all went down:

Husband had his first softball game last Monday night. (He's playing on a league from our church.) Now I am perfectly content sitting on the bleachers, not talking to anyone. Being social with strangers is so far outside of my comfort zone that it takes a miracle to actually happen. This bugs Husband to no end. He purposely signed up for the men's team (rather than co-ed) so I could make friends with "the wives." 

The game began with me sitting on the far edge of the bleachers, my back to everyone else. It was a late game, starting at 9:00, on the first day of school.  There weren't too many people there and I'm assuming the mommies were putting their children to bed.  About twenty minutes into the game, I had finally convinced myself to talk to one person, solely to appease my husband.

On the opposite side of the bench was a girl who looked my age. She had the most beautiful dog with her and I can always stir up a conversation about dogs. So I scooted down and began my interview. I asked her how old her puppy was, what breed, name, male or female, what she does for a living, etc.

She then asked if I do anything athletic.  The conversation continued like so:

me: I cycle and sometimes run, but that's pretty much it. I work out but don't do team sports.

Kandia: That's cool. I just signed up for a triathlon.

me: Wow! That's intense.

Kandia: Well it's only a sprint triathlon, so the distances are shorter. Plus, the swimming portion is in a natatorium so you won't be in open water.

me: That actually sounds amazing! What are the distances?

Kandia:  Swim 300 meters, bike 12 miles, run a 5k.

me: That actually sounds doable. And I've got two months to train! Hmmm... where do I sign up?

And that was that.

I've been looking for something to keep my mind off of fertility, but also a way to focus my thoughts on the Lord.  Nothing stirs my affections for Him more than being outdoors. And I've always run/cycled without any music so that I could spend the time in prayer and worship.

Another plus is this will encourage me to start eating paleo again. I can't complete a triathlon on a diet of carbs and sugar (which unfortunately has been my sustenance during the past three weeks of torment).

I'm so excited to challenge myself and conquer this next goal.

It's amazing what the Lord can do when you step outside of your comfort zone.  I'm blown away, every time.

"Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1b

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the torment

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written a post. Actually I can. The last month has been excruciatingly painful and it has taken me a long time to pull myself up.  I'll do my best to fill you in using the least amount of words possible, but I don't make any promises.

On July 18 we saw an infertility specialist... for a total of eight minutes. He basically spit out a plan that he must use on all of his new patients. 

Clomid. Ovidrel. Ultrasounds. Progesterone. 

I told myself God must really want me on Clomid since this was the second time I've been told to take it, but I never committed my decision to prayer. When my new cycle began, I started Clomid and a series of ultrasounds. Everything looked perfect. My hormone levels were good. I had three mature eggs ready to be released. My lining was thick. They gave me the Ovidrel shot. I went in for another ultrasound to ensure the eggs released. They did. I started progesterone suppositories. And for the first time in years, my fourteen days of spotting did not happen. I was in heaven! And I just KNEW I was going to be pregnant. 

Our seventh anniversary was coming up. Seven - the number of completion. I was so humbled and amazed at the Lord's timing.  I felt that surely He would end our years of trying and bring us into the new season of parenthood. The baby would be due in April, which would give me six weeks plus summer vacation off. It was perfect. 

But then the torment began. I have never tried so hard not to think about being pregnant. I think my body woke itself up at night and forced me to think about it, as if I could will it into existence. I had constant headaches and I fell off my paleo bandwagon. I planned how I would tell family/friends that we were finally pregnant and shoved any inkling of a feeling that I might not be pregnant away. In my sick little mind, there just was no possibility that it couldn't happen. I counted each and every one of the thirteen days until the doctor said I could take a home pregnancy test.  

*side note - Our anniversary was Monday, August 13. I couldn't take the pregnancy test until Friday, August 17.  So I told Husband we would celebrate our anniversary on that night instead.

August 17 finally rolled around. 

Big. Fat. Negative. 

Followed by the longest descent into the deepest, darkest hole I've ever experienced. I was so angry. No, I didn't cry or allow myself to grieve and heal.  I immediately took matters into my own hands and that same day saw an OBGYN. 

He heard my history and told me Clomid was an old drug and that Femara was a better choice because it doesn't thin the uterine lining. He said he wouldn't do multiple ultrasounds and bloodwork so that would save us money. He said I shouldn't be worrying about progesterone because my body makes it for a living, when it's pregnant. I haven't been pregnant yet so of course the levels are off. He was so arrogant and pushy but I was determined to make myself pregnant that I soaked up every word he said. I forced my feelings aside and started the Femara.

That same evening we went to dinner with friends. This dinner was scheduled to be a celebratory anniversary dinner full of joy and excitement at the mercy and goodness of our God. But instead I was dragged by Husband to keep me from falling deeper into depression. These dear friends struggled for two years with infertility and were due any day with their miracle baby. They suggested that I see their female infertility specialist who had way better bedside manners.

On the way home that night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have forced every event of the last two months, without praying or seeking the Lord's will, to happen.  I had such a peace with the doctor I saw in Austin, and have not felt anything like it since. I knew the Lord closed that door and assumed I needed to find a doctor here. But I realized the Lord has closed the door to doctors... for now.

I can't handle it mentally.  As soon as I see one, all of my energy, hope, and trust goes into their ability to make me pregnant. I obsess over every appointment, every medication, every ultrasound, every cycle day. It's making me crazy. Literally crazy.

So it is finished. For now. No more doctors. No more charting. No more medications. No more ultrasounds. No more sleepless nights during two week waits. And praise the Lord, no more bills for failed treatment coming in the mail!

No more torment.

He alone opens and closes the womb. And He will open mine... in His beautiful, amazing, perfect, sovereign timing.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane