praise the Lord!

I'm so behind on writing posts... it's been super busy in the Wright house.  Stay tuned for But today I wanted to stop and praise the Lord for the good things He's done in our lives this last week. I feel like infertility blogs can easily become focused on the struggles and anger/sadness/frustration that go along with being infertile.  But no matter what the struggle is, the Lord is good! He is faithful and He never stops blessing His children.

- I got a flat tire in my bike four days before my race, but handyman Husband fixed it

- Husband got the stomach bug on Wednesday (same day I had flat tire)... I prayed for his healing but also that I would be spared from it and still be able to compete on Sunday (this also meant two nights of sleeping in separate rooms, a first for us and hopefully the last!).  On Friday, he was still unable to keep anything down so I took him to the ER.  Praise the Lord! After the IV and some meds, he was back to normal within a few hours.

- Parent Conferences were Thursday/Friday and all went well!

- I never got sick!!

- I got to babysit two of the sweetest and cutest little girls I know on Saturday... I used to be their nanny two days a week and I miss them soooooo much!

- Despite the weather being 36 degrees, I finished my triathlon and beat my personal goal!  I was unable to train as much as I wanted, so it truly was a miracle that I even finished.

My brother stayed with me the entire time! He is the best big brother a girl could ask for!!

- We had a relaxing Sunday and I think for the first time in... well, ever... I was thankful that it was just me and Husband and I wasn't wishing we had kids.  People tell me to enjoy this time, because once we do have kids, we won't get it back. Maybe I'm finally reaching that point. =)

 "The Lord is good to all."
Psalm 145:9



humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah Jane

swings

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved swinging.  My best friend and I imagined we were Anne and Diana (from Anne of Green Gables) on the swing set near our houses.  I had my bridal portraits done on a swing (made by Husband). And if the sun wasn't so darn picky about always setting in the west we would have a swing on our front porch. 

But lately I've experienced a kind of swinging that I very strongly dislike... loathe to be exact. 

This is our fourth month to be on fertility drugs and I'm experiencing emotional swings I never thought possible.  I used to think that these so-called "mood swings" were an excuse women used to rectify their rude behaviors.  But oh how wrong I was.

I truly cannot control my thoughts, my feelings, my expressions, my body.  Yesterday I walked into school determined to have a good day. All of my papers were graded, I could actually see my desk, and I knew exactly what the day would hold, thanks to my lesson plans.

Around 10:45, I started feeling blah. There didn't seem to be any expression in my voice or kick in my step. This quickly snowballed into feelings of loneliness, which always brings on depression.  I might as well have been hit in the head with a baseball... it was so sudden and came out of nowhere.

By 12:15 my students were noticing something was different and by 1:30 they were asking why I went from laughing with one group to being a drill sergeant with the next group (in the same class period). 

On the way home I poured out my heart, yet again, to the Lord. I told Him how angry I am that He chooses to take away the one thing I've wanted my entire life. And before the words left my mouth, I realized wanting a family more than God is a sin.  But instead of repenting, I became even more angry that He gets to take away everything important to me and require that I give Him my love freely. 

Who wants to freely love a God that takes away blessings?

I walked in the door knowing I needed to submerge myself in the Word, or else I'd be letting the enemy drag me further down into His pit.  I accidentally divinely pulled up my Bible Facebook app and a John Piper video caught my attention. 

The tag: "The daily fight for faith is a fight for joy--in God."  

This video pierced my heart.  Sure, these drugs are causing mood swings. But my wretched heart alone puts children above "the supreme treasure of Christ." And killing my flesh daily to believe and live out this truth is a war I will battle whether or not I'm on fertility drugs... and one I'm determined to fight and win.

I've said from day one, and I'll say it until the day this horrendous battle is over... I hate that God is asking us to walk this road. I don't understand it at all.  But I know He is good and that He refuses to give me anything less than His best. So I will surrender my desires to Him and pray that He would be glorified by how we walk this out.  Piper said "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him. There is no conflict between my happiness and His glory, and His glory shines all the brighter when my happiness is in Him."  He's NOT a God that takes away blessings. He is a God that has graciously and freely given me (an undeserving little girl) the greatest blessing of all... Himself!!

What a patient God we serve!!! He's taught me this a thousand times, and I'm betting He'll have to teach it to me a thousand more.  I'm so humbled by the fact that the God of the universe chooses to teach me lessons over and over again, that He loves me by giving me His best (which is Himself) and that He is a jealous God!

Thank you, Jesus!


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

i'm stepping up my game

It's amazing to me how quickly the enemy steps up his game when we recognize our mistakes and renew our vows to pursue Christ and His will for us.  It's immediate and I'm learning should even be expected.

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Not even a week had passed after writing out my motto and I had fallen prey to the enemy's schemes. I spiraled downward so quickly I don't think I new which way was up.  And surprisingly, Aunt Flo was NOT the instigator this time.  This time it was my own selfish pride.

1.  spend time in the word daily -  I periodically picked up my study on Jonah and had signed up for the Shiloh infertility Bible study.  I made all kinds of commitments and promises but never actually did the work. Sure, I prayed. I listened to worship music. I may have even quoted a few Bible verses I had previously memorized.  But I was not spending time in the Scripture daily... meditating on it, praying it, seeking the Lord's will for how to apply it to my life. My whole life I've known how to act like a good Christian girl. But the Lord calls us to a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  I've thought recently about how I long for Husband's texts and phone calls.  I rearrange my schedule so I can spend MORE time with him. My heart skips a beat when he walks in the door and doesn't beat quite as fast when he's not around.  What would my life look like if I had the same feelings toward the God who rescued me from eternal damnation and adopted me as His daughter?  I bet it would be mighty different. Unrecognizable even.

2. let Kenny lead - aka... submit to Husband.  Hand in hand with not having quiet times is my desire to spend money.  The further I get from God, the more I fill my void with worthless materialistic things that I've convinced myself I need.  In September, Husband bought (gave... as a gift) me a bike, tickets to see Les Miserables (my FAVORITE musical), our hotel for London/Germany trip and several other things I needed for my triathlon.  But my wicked heart was not content. I begged and pleaded for a food processor to make my Paleo cooking faster and easier. And when he said no, how did I respond?  I bought it anyway and lied about it. I have never been so ashamed of myself. The look on his face when he found out pierced my heart as I realized this has become a serious problem. This is not the first time it's happened. The problem isn't that we don't have the money or that my husband is trying to be a dictator and tell me where I can and cannot spend my money. It's the fact that I went against his leading and then manipulated him into thinking I had the cash.  Contrary to what I had led myself to believe... no food processor will ever satisfy and save my wretched soul. It's something only Christ alone can do.

3. be a good teacher - Last week I found myself standing in front of my sixth graders with a "deer-in-the-headlights" look on my face wondering what on earth to do next. They had finished an assignment and due to my lack of lesson planning and grading, I had nothing for them to do!  My students knew it and I definitely lost some respect and credibility that day. The frustrating part was that my excuse was because I needed to spend more time at the gym or with Husband. In Colossians chapter 3, Paul talks about doing your work as for the Lord and not for men.  There have been so many days that I've thought of my job as something to pass the time, until I get my "real job" - being a mom.  This year I've been so convicted that this IS my real job, until God says it's not.  Would my classroom be run differently if I worked as unto the Lord and not my boss?  Would I treat my students differently if I saw them through His eyes and not my frustrated, over-worked, tired teacher eyes?

4. maintain my body as a temple - Yes, I've been training hard for this triathlon.  But my clean eating has gone down the drain and I've used food as an escape from the stresses of my life.  I'm usually not an emotional eater, and definitely not when I'm depressed. Stress however is a totally different story. And what I'm seeing is it's a vicious cycle. If I don't eat right I don't have very much energy. What little energy I do have is used to get by with the bare minimum. Only doing the bare minimum creates stress which makes me consume ridiculous amounts of sugar and carbohydrates and processed foods.  

I realized all of this last week after a horrible day at work. My amazing husband worked out a new schedule with me and helped me re-prioritize my life. And what a difference it's made in every area mentioned above.  I'm able to have quiet times, grade papers/lesson plan, exercise, make healthy meals, and spend time with Husband... every day!  The Lord has been so faithful (as always) to not only gently convict me, but to show me the way out as well. It may be a long, slow climb. But at least I'm working my way up.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

So go ahead enemy. Step up your game. I'm stepping up mine... the difference?  God is on my side! And He's already won this battle!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane