i'm not bipolar, i'm battling infertility

Aunt Flo came to visit on Thursday.  The week before her visit was atypical.  I did not experience the usual symptoms I normally feel in anticipation of her coming.  I had taken a step in becoming content with where I am in life right now.  I was experiencing sweet fellowship with Jesus and was so comforted by His wooing.  In an earlier conversation with my friend on the phone, I told her I was amazed by the peace I was feeling and the burden that had been lifted.  I was a new person.

Aunt Flo’s actual visit was atypical as well… but I’ll spare you the details.

Suddenly she was gone.  I walked into church on Saturday night, ready to sing songs of beautiful worship to my God.  On the way in I saw this:

THEN the switch flipped.  I was angry. I was bitter. I felt hopeless. And I desperately wanted to give up.  These feelings normally come the day Aunt Flo arrives… when I realize yet another month has gone by with an empty womb.  By the end of her visit, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not pregnant but I’m eager to see what the next month will bring.  I found it odd that these feelings came so late.

I hate this struggle.  I told Husband of all the struggles in the world this is the worst.  The emotional swings are killing me. They’re unpredictable and unfair.  I can feel them creeping in and I try with all my might to build a dam, to keep them away forever. But no matter how hard I try, the feelings come like a tsunami and in the blink of an eye I’m drowning.

I hate drowning. I feel so helpless, alone, and weak. But it’s here, in this moment that my sweet Savior comes to my rescue.  He does not always promise to take me immediately to shore, but I’m promised I won’t be alone.  He surrounds me. He upholds me. He wipes my tears. He listens to me yell and scream and kick and fight. And He silently says, “I know, I know how much this hurts.  Give it to me again.  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

(Matthew 11:28-30)

And just like that the waters are calmed.  Although I’m still not on the shore of motherhood, I’m standing out in the middle of the ocean on the solid ground that is my God.  Waves will continue to come, with every visit from Aunt Flo.  Tiny things, like seeing a sign for parents of infants, will threaten to knock me down, back into the sea of hopelessness. But one thing I know without a shadow of doubt is that my God will pick me back up.  I view this experience and see myself as a bipolar, unstable female. He looks at this as an opportunity to answer prayers I’ve prayed since junior high… that He would grow me and make me a vessel fit for His use, whatever that may be.

Lord, I’m humbled that You can use these unpredictable, bipolar emotions to strengthen my faith and draw me even closer to Your heart.  God, it’s no secret that I want a baby. But if having a baby right now would threaten my relationship with You, then I choose You.  You alone are the joy that floods my soul!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

he said yes!

I recently finished a Bible study on Ruth by Kelly Minter.  Oh how I have clung to Ruth’s story through these past few months.  As I read the unornamented words that explained her story, I felt her pain and sorrow. But I also saw her strength, obedience, faithfulness, trust, and loyalty and I could not help but long to have these traits grown in me as well.

But why does it have to be at such a high cost?  I wrestled with the Lord, wondering what kind of God takes so much from someone and calls that a “good” plan.  What kind of God can look down on our misery and continue allowing us to tread water so that He can be glorified?

He answered me ever so sweetly and in the most calming, gentle voice… “the kind of God that longs to grow character in His children, the kind of God that wants to bless us far beyond what our wildest dreams can fathom.”  I imagined Him lifting my chin and cupping His hands around my jaws as He continued, “and beloved, I AM that God.”

And that was that.

So where do I start?   I knew it wasn’t by pouting, stomping my feet, and throwing tantrums because I’m not getting what I want out of my life.  I found that as I surrendered my life to God, and repeatedly told Him how much I want to be where He wants me to be, the more He revealed His plan.

The first week school was back in session, I heard three different times that I could go no further in my language therapy training if I didn’t have my Master’s degree.  I also heard that Shelton is part of a cohort program with Dallas Baptist University, which would allow me to complete my degree online.  A week later, I found out a lacked two classes to graduate! 

Rewind with me for a moment. Three years ago I was working at Shelton and wanted to get my Master’s degree.  I talked it over with Husband and we decided it would be pointless because once I got pregnant, I’d want to drop out of school, quit work and stay home.  If I had said yes, I’d have my degree by now and could be working on becoming a Certified Academic Language Therapist, which is my goal!

I realized I could waste a lot of life hoping to be pregnant and wishing to be in another season of life.  But God has me in this season, at this time, for a very specific purpose. He has given me a passion to teach children with learning differences, an amazing school to teach at, and basically dropped the opportunity for grad school in my lap.

I want to be a vessel fit for His use both now and later. I don’t know what the next three weeks, three months, or three years of my life will look like. But I’m learning to cling to what I have now and to live in the moment, full of joy and contentment.

So I presented the grad school opportunity to Husband one more time. And he said yes!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

saturday sweet tooth

My grandmommy lived with us from the time I was thirteen until Jesus called her home, about twelve years.  Some days I loved it.  Some days I was frustrated by it.  Now, I’d give anything to be living under the same roof with her again.  She was so wise, so gentle, so giving, and so encouraging. But what I miss the most was hearing her talk about her Savior. Her face lit up and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was completely worth surrendering to. No amount of pain, sorrow, or suffering would ever shake her faith.  It only made her run harder and faster to Him. She amazed me!

Every morning I woke to the sound of her cooking in the kitchen.  But Saturdays were different. It was never the usual smell of oatmeal, prunes and grapefruit.  Instead it was a sweet smell that swept through the house, summoning us to the table. Cinnamon rolls, coffee cake, pancakes, crepes, waffles, and French toast were frequently on the menu. Her presentation was impeccable, the table set beautifully, and of course there was enough for anyone who might walk through the door unexpectedly.

To this day, I still wake up on Saturday mornings longing for something sweet. My prayer is that I too can someday call my children to a table full of not only sweet food, but of sweet conversations about the unconditional love and faithfulness of our Father. 

Today I want to share a recipe that I enjoyed having on Saturday mornings with my grandmommy.  No it’s not exactly healthy. But she always told me it was because it had oranges in it, which meant I didn’t have to take my vitamin C that morning.

My grams called it an “orange julup.”  Unfortunately, everything she made was from a recipe in her head. I don’t think I ever saw her pull out a cook book.  I found this recipe on Pinterest and it comes pretty darn close to the real thing.

Orange Julup
serves 2-3 

1/2 cup low-fat or skim milk
1/2 cup cold water
2 tbsp sugar or sugar substitute
1 tsp vanilla extract
4-5 ice cubes
6 oz frozen orange juice concentrate (I cut a 12 oz can of frozen orange juice in half and save the other half for your next smoothie)

Place everything in a blender and blend for several minutes until smooth and frothy. 

Enjoy it with the ones you love and let it fill your sweet tooth craving on Saturday mornings… or any other time.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

please hold...

I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.

Just when I thought I’d turned a corner... I finally had a diagnosis, a surgery date scheduled, and a confirmation for the direction we had decided to go.

My doctor called at 7:30pm last night and said he wanted to hold off on surgery.  He seemed concerned about the alien and the potential ruckus he might cause if a blessing were to grow. After mentioning that he had spoken of my case with several of his colleagues, he proceeded to tell me about a new technique called uterine fibroid embolization… aka Operation Destroy the Alien.  This procedure is minimally invasive and would basically starve the alien of his life supply, therefore causing him to shrink (hooray!).  My doctor wanted to do some more research and continue discussing this before we “rushed into surgery.”

I am beyond thankful that my doctor is not willing to “rush” into anything and that he is looking for alternative options… and at 7:30pm nonetheless!  However, this also means I have to wait.

Waiting.

I hate the word. No, I loathe the word. I've waited for two years, Lord. How is this not long enough? And now You're telling me to wait indefinitely?

In my selfish flesh, I like control and having immediate answers to all my problems.  But in my spirit, I know this is the Lord’s gentle nudge, calling me back to Him, promising nothing short of perfection.

“Count it all joy my, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  James 1:2-4

So what am I waiting for?

·       a womb free of extraterrestrials – ready to cultivate life

·       God’s timing – which is always perfect

“If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” 

Habakkuk 2:3

·       my doctor to find the best possible route for us to take (and in the meantime I am not idly sitting by… I have called upon my prayer warriors to cover him in wisdom and discernment)

·       further sanctification and redemption of my weak flesh so that I might look more like my Savior

What is there for me to hate about these wonderful blessings?  Oh how grateful I am to serve a God who is unwilling to let me wallow in my own self pity.

So I stand firm in my conviction. And YES LORD!  I will wait!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

a confirmation... times five

I was at a crossroads. My doctor said I could either take Clomid or have wedge resection surgery on my ovary.  Both would have the same effect… ovulation.  It was completely up to me.

Me.

An emotional, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, impatient, little girl who knew nothing about either one.

I left the doctor’s office with a date for surgery scheduled, knowing I could cancel the appointment if I chose the other route. 

I began the long drive home and my mind was filled with fears, concerns, and disbelief.  I knew I could not make this decision on my own.

Enter:  God.

God… the One who fearfully and wonderfully made me.  psalm 139:14

God… the One who promises to fulfill my heart’s desire.  psalm 20:4

God… the One who gives strength to the brokenhearted and binds up my wounds.  psalm 147:3

God… the One who heals all my diseases.  psalm 103:3

God.

I realized I don’t have to make this decision on my own.  He will show me the way with His confirming voice.  (isaiah 30:21)

So I began to seek the counsel of many as His Word instructs me to do. They asked if I had made a list of pros and cons, but even that scared me because I was already leaning one direction in my heart and knew it would be biased.  But I made the list anyway, knowing it was at least a place to start.

Clomid – pros

·       inexpensive

·       not invasive

·       worked for my mom, six times

·       would probably regulate my cycles

Clomid – cons

·       synthetic hormone

·       side effects:  moodiness, hot flashes

·       if it doesn’t work in three months it probably won't work at all

·       puts a “band aid” on the real issue

·       only 30% effective

surgery – pros

·       doctor can see everything we’re working with

·       doctor can perform other procedures at same time (D&C, remove small alien friends, look for endometriosis, get closer look at the alien)

·       laparoscopic  (which means quick recovery)

·       addresses the real issue, and is a more permanent fix

·       66% effective

surgery – cons

·       invasive

·       chance of pelvic adhesions (scar tissue)

Okay so now what?  I still didn’t have a clear answer as to which route to take. It seemed the first few people I called thought Clomid was the better route, their main argument being that it worked for my mom. But so what if it worked for my mom, six times… I am not my mom, and our reproductive systems are totally different.  I just had no peace. Even thinking about it upset my stomach. And I knew the one thing God has been so faithful and consistent to give me through this whole journey is His peace.

So I talked with my mother-in-law and she reassured me that He will confirm… keep researching! I found a website that explained NaPro Technology and their approach to surgery.  This approach was developed by Dr. Hilgers.  He found a way to perform surgery using different techniques that would prevent scar tissue.  He is most concerned with preserving a woman’s fertility and the body’s amazing ability to carry life.  Dr. Hilgers is interested in curing the reproductive system and not in controlling fertility. He never tries to play God.  The doctor I’ve been seeing in Austin completed his four years of Fellowship under Dr. Hilgers.  He would know and be well trained in these techniques. (confirmation #1)

I feel like many OB/GYN’s are only interested in the end result: a baby.  They seem content with rushing into in vitro or hysterectomies without ruling out all other options first. I know that God alone opens and closes the womb. In the meantime, I want to do what I can to make sure my plumbing is working properly and that the alien is watched closely... he may come in peace, but he may not take over!

I continued clicking on links, excited about research for the first time in my life.  I found a random website from Google called WorldWide Health that had an article about ovarian wedge resection.  As I started reading, I felt like this was going to be one more article about Clomid. But as I read closer, I noticed it discussed the negatives about it. “Clomid has been linked by some to a risk for miscarriage or birth defects, and while it often causes ovulation, it does not always cause pregnancy. Clomid is anti-estrogenic, therefore, it tends to "dry up" the cervical mucus.”  I was hooked. (confirmation #2) 

I kept reading.

It mentioned that surgery was the “tried and true method” for curing polycystic ovaries until Clomid was introduced. The reason why it fell out of favor was because of scar tissue building up after surgery. But I had just read about NaPro Technology, the surgical technique my doctor was trained in that reduced, even eliminated, scar tissue.  (confirmation #3)

I kept reading.

In a study, 134 patients had this surgery from a NaPro trained surgeon.

121 became pregnant… that’s right 90%! 

5 (count them… on one hand… five!) had pelvic adhesions.  This is not a percentage… it’s actual women.

I jumped for joy at these statistics and told my husband I was sold. This was my answer. (confirmation #4)

Moments later I received this text from my mother-in-law. “Research. Pray. Something will jump out and make you excited and shout yes!!! Go with that. God hasn’t brought you this far to go silent.”

WOW! (confirmation #5)

That’s the God I serve! I was humbled and awed that the God who created this universe cares enough about me to confirm His will in so many ways. 

Psalm 34 has been on my heart and mind ever since… “oh taste and see that the LORD is good!”

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

alien encounter - part one

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years.  The first year I was told to relax, enjoy it, and that it typically takes 6-12 months to conceive.  (Why I believed this, I have no idea because I know lots of little girls that have too much fun in the back of car one time and end up with a bundle of joy nine months later...)  In November, 2010, I found out I was pregnant but miscarried the next day.  So 2011 came and I began to feel there was more going on.

I heard about a charting method called Creighton and began immediately.  I noticed that I was having having unusual bleeding (like 15-20 days each month) and pain during intercourse.  My cycles were all over the place! So I started seeing a Family Practice doctor here in Dallas, thinking this was maybe due to hormonal imbalance. Although he is not an OB/GYN, he is trained in Creighton and has a lot of knowledge about fertility. He knew more about my reproductive organs and how they're supposed to function than my OB/GYN!   After a month of blood draws every other day, he noticed my estrogen levels were off the charts and I was making no progesterone (my numbers were <0.1).  I started taking progesterone... no change.  Then I started hCG shots (at $110 for 8CCs)... no change.  So he decided to do a sonogram. Enter: the alien!  They found a large (5.5 cm) fibroid in my uterus.  Fibroids don't typically cause any problems, so my doctor wasn't worried. We continued to wait.  But month after month, nothing changed. So I was referred to an OB/GYN in Austin.

I saw Dr. Kalamarides three weeks ago for the first time, and after looking at the notes from my doctor here, he believed my alien should be removed and that endometriosis was probably causing the pain and bleeding. Overall, a pretty good report. I was thrilled!  He wanted to see me at the beginning of my next cycle to check a few other things and thought we would continue with plans for surgery pretty quickly.

On Thursday, January 5 my husband and I made the trip to Austin for what we thought would be a quick in and out appointment, and that we would be leaving with a date for surgery in hand.  First, we did an ultrasound and then a saline infused sonogram to get a better look at the topography of my uterus.  During the ultrasound he noticed my ovaries look poly-cystic (which means I'm probably not ovulating).  I now have to go back next Wednesday and Friday to see if these cysts dissolve, grow, or change.

He also noticed the alien is attached to one of the four main uterine arteries... he is living the good life! This however, presents a potential threat during surgery and complicates everything.  We debated just letting this alien continue dwelling in his mother ship (my uterus).  But because of his location, he is the main cause of my pain, and I would really like to relocate him.  Dr. Kalamarides mentioned the possibility of just cutting off the artery, which has done before, and the uterus somehow learns to manage with only three arteries.  Knowing this was something to think about, we decided to proceed with the appointment.

Then during the saline sonogram (and when the saline was injected, it felt like liquid cramping of the highest degree... NOT FUN!) Dr. Kalamarides noticed I have a small uterine polyp (which can cause a lot of bleeding) as well as a cervical polyp!  So at this point, I'm thinking I should offer up my body to be a case study for doctors since I have just about everything in the book of infertility. =) One good thing he noticed is that my uterine wall is very smooth. Praise the Lord!!

But this alien has taken over, brought his minions (the polyps) and is making himself quite comfortable. I'm not okay with this!! I realize that he poses no potential threat to a baby... but he's disgusting and so large and he's robbing me of experiencing my husband like the Lord created me to! I could not be more frustrated.


Game Plan:  I'm going back Wednesday and Friday next week so he can monitor the ovarian cysts.  Then we will probably schedule a laparoscopy at the beginning of February. At this time, Dr. Kalamarides will do a D&C, hysteroscopy (which looks at polyps and where he determines if they need to be removed), look for endometriosis, remove small fibroids, and study large alien to see if he can be removed. He would like to do it laparoscopically, but if it's not safe, he could do a myomectomy (which is where they remove fibroid through my abdomen).  Or he may have to leave the alien alone.

Good News/Praise the Lord: I'm so thankful for Dr. Kalamarides's wisdom and confidence in treating me. During the sonograms, he kept saying "oh wow! That's interesting!" But never, "hmmm, I have no idea what that is."  I'm thankful there is treatment for everything I've got going on. I'm thankful the Lord has finally given us some answers that explain the pain, bleeding, AND possibly the infertility.  I'm thankful insurance will cover this because of my pain/bleeding.  I'm thankful for friends (multiple ones!) who have graciously offered us a place to stay in Austin when we make these trips. I'm thankful my boss at school has been so understanding and willing to work with me missing so many days. I'm so thankful for my supportive husband, who sat through the 2 1/2 hr appointment, and drove the 7 hours with me down there and back, and is willing to do it again next week. =)  And I'm blessed beyond words to have the support, encouragement, and prayers from friends and family.

Prayers:  Continued wisdom for Dr. Kalamarides. Direction and peace from the Lord, especially in removing the alien. It's not worth risking my fertility, but oh how nice it would be to not have pain! =)  And I would love prayer that I would not become bitter and angry. I'm trying to take note and remember all of the ways I have seen the Lord's hand guiding us through this (hence this blog). I know He is good and sovereign, and that if He wanted us to have children right now, we would!! One way I'm trying to look at this is, the more I have working against me, the greater the miracle it will be when we do finally have children one day! I am confident the Lord will bless us in His perfect timing.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

in the beginning...

I have always wanted to start a blog, but never felt I had anything worth writing about.  However, with the recent infestation of alien beings (aka cysts and fibroids) in my uterus, I have decided to record this journey the Lord has me on. I'm hoping this blog will be a reminder of His faithfulness in all that He asks me and my husband to walk through during this time.  I know He is good and sovereign, and will not forget us and our desire to start a family. Someday, I will hold my children so much closer, squeeze them so much tighter, and look at them so much sweeter knowing what precious miracles they are. The Lord alone opens and closes the womb, and I am believing with all my heart that one day, He will open mine!

This morning, the Lord has laid Joshua, chapter 4 on my heart.  After cutting off the waters of the Jordan, the Lord commanded Joshua to tell His people to build a memorial of remembrance. In the time to come, their children will walk by and ask "What are the stones for?" Then they can tell of the Lord's faithfulness, so "that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, that you may fear the LORD your God forever.” (vs. 24)

And so I hope this blog will be!  Lord, may I always glorify Your name and remember Your mighty works in our life. Thank You for saving me!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane