swings

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved swinging.  My best friend and I imagined we were Anne and Diana (from Anne of Green Gables) on the swing set near our houses.  I had my bridal portraits done on a swing (made by Husband). And if the sun wasn't so darn picky about always setting in the west we would have a swing on our front porch. 

But lately I've experienced a kind of swinging that I very strongly dislike... loathe to be exact. 

This is our fourth month to be on fertility drugs and I'm experiencing emotional swings I never thought possible.  I used to think that these so-called "mood swings" were an excuse women used to rectify their rude behaviors.  But oh how wrong I was.

I truly cannot control my thoughts, my feelings, my expressions, my body.  Yesterday I walked into school determined to have a good day. All of my papers were graded, I could actually see my desk, and I knew exactly what the day would hold, thanks to my lesson plans.

Around 10:45, I started feeling blah. There didn't seem to be any expression in my voice or kick in my step. This quickly snowballed into feelings of loneliness, which always brings on depression.  I might as well have been hit in the head with a baseball... it was so sudden and came out of nowhere.

By 12:15 my students were noticing something was different and by 1:30 they were asking why I went from laughing with one group to being a drill sergeant with the next group (in the same class period). 

On the way home I poured out my heart, yet again, to the Lord. I told Him how angry I am that He chooses to take away the one thing I've wanted my entire life. And before the words left my mouth, I realized wanting a family more than God is a sin.  But instead of repenting, I became even more angry that He gets to take away everything important to me and require that I give Him my love freely. 

Who wants to freely love a God that takes away blessings?

I walked in the door knowing I needed to submerge myself in the Word, or else I'd be letting the enemy drag me further down into His pit.  I accidentally divinely pulled up my Bible Facebook app and a John Piper video caught my attention. 

The tag: "The daily fight for faith is a fight for joy--in God."  

This video pierced my heart.  Sure, these drugs are causing mood swings. But my wretched heart alone puts children above "the supreme treasure of Christ." And killing my flesh daily to believe and live out this truth is a war I will battle whether or not I'm on fertility drugs... and one I'm determined to fight and win.

I've said from day one, and I'll say it until the day this horrendous battle is over... I hate that God is asking us to walk this road. I don't understand it at all.  But I know He is good and that He refuses to give me anything less than His best. So I will surrender my desires to Him and pray that He would be glorified by how we walk this out.  Piper said "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him. There is no conflict between my happiness and His glory, and His glory shines all the brighter when my happiness is in Him."  He's NOT a God that takes away blessings. He is a God that has graciously and freely given me (an undeserving little girl) the greatest blessing of all... Himself!!

What a patient God we serve!!! He's taught me this a thousand times, and I'm betting He'll have to teach it to me a thousand more.  I'm so humbled by the fact that the God of the universe chooses to teach me lessons over and over again, that He loves me by giving me His best (which is Himself) and that He is a jealous God!

Thank you, Jesus!


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane