battlefield

As the usual roller coasters of infertile emotions go, this week has been no different.  Absolutely unpredictable.  Aunt Flo came and left in a whirlwind and instead of my hope being restored, I have found myself battling depression like never before.  With Obamacare being passed, my body still sending me "hostile-to-all-new-life" signals, and my fertility time clock ticking, I have found it nearly impossible to see God's purpose for putting me here. 

I told Husband last night that I can't seem to connect my head knowledge with how my heart is feeling. I know God is good, but I feel forgotten. I know His word says He gives us the desires of our heart, but I feel like I'm being left out.  I keep thinking of children standing in line for their turn to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool.  And the Lifeguard keeps telling me to hang on, while letting others go ahead of me. He keeps praising me for being so patient and tells me not to give up as He gives others two, three, even four turns.... I feel like I will be waiting my turn forever.

I came home from school today with a dull but seemingly never-ending headache.  My plans to work out and make dinner were pushed to the back burner.  I had my pajamas on by 5:30 and was nestled on the couch for my nightly blog surfing and reading. 

I went through my bookmark list, seeing if anything caught my eye.  As my most recent finding, Meet Mrs Smith was last on the list.  (For those of you who know of Delirious, this is Martin Smith's wife's blog.)  The title of her latest post was "Ahoy!" and she had a picture of two women canoeing down their flooded street.  To my surprise, this was actually a post about God's promises and staying faithful when those promises don't seem to be coming to fruition... especially with regards to infertility. This is coming from a woman with six children who, because of how often she writes about it, must have several friends struggling with infertility.

Boy was I in for a good, stern talking to.

After reading "Ahoy," I went over to Thursday's Babies, a blog recommended by Mrs. Smith.  I felt the Lord stir in my heart when I read this paragraph:

"I felt the Holy Spirit drop into my heart that this is a battle. A battle for the next generation of children to rise up and take their place. In Genesis 3:15 God is talking to the serpent who has tempted and deceived Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden into eating of the fruit of the tree that the Lord forbade them to eat from. The Lord says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heal." The enemy is not as keen as God is to see our children born."

This is a battle.  Every month is a battle.  A battle I all too often let satan win.  Month after month I throw in the towel and say I give up.  I whine because I think it's more than I can handle.  I believe the enemy's lies and doubt my faithful God.  I become useless in my Maker's hands. 

However, what my loving and gracious God showed me was that I may lose battle after battle, but my God has WON the war!  Whether I have children or not will not change the fact that I serve a victorious God who is ECSTATIC about creating life inside of me. So ecstatic in fact that He is unwilling to bless us with pregnancy without first growing our faith and trust in Him.  He is making us strong and able soldiers so that we can raise strong and able soldiers for His army. Wow! What an awesome task.

I then decided to continue reading from J.I. Packer's "Knowing God."  I've been slowly working my way through this book, soaking it up after each chapter. I've felt the Lord nudging me to pick it up again lately and (not to my surprise) tonight was the night!  

I had left off on the chapter that explains God's majesty and how we tend to take the fact that He is a personal God to mean that He "is a person of the same sort as we are - weak, inadequate, ineffective, a little pathetic. We think of God as too much like what we are."  How I've fallen into this trap!  How could I ignore the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me and believe I've been abandoned?!  

Packer continues, "God has not abandoned us any more than than He abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom He has set His love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of His sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of His own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior."  

What powerful words!!  I pray the Lord will continue to teach me, correct me, and grow me as I meditate on these words and in His word this week. I love how Packer closed this chapter:

"How slow we are to believe in God as God, sovereign, all-seeing and almighty! How little we make of the majesty of our Lord and Savior Christ! The need for us is to 'wait upon the Lord' in meditations on His majesty, till we find our strength renewed through the writing of these things upon our hearts."

You'd think by now I'd learn that getting angry and pulling away from God is like a spiritual death sentence.  I'm praying I will learn to draw so much closer to Him as each month of unfulfilled desires passes. He is good. He is victorious. He has won this war!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane