the timing

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've begged the Lord to draw near to me again. Over the past six months, I've felt Him slowly slip away and lead me through a valley I knew was coming. (read about it here)  I know He has purpose in everything He does, and I can't wait to see all His purposes in having me not only walk the road of infertility, but in enduring this recent time in the desert.

However, I can say with complete assurance that His time has come to lead me out! Hallelujah!

I feel such a peace with our decision to stop fertility treatments. That was a tremendous burden, which I don't even think I knew I was carrying, and it has been lifted. Hallelujah!

But the biggest change of all has brought me to my knees and I am rejoicing in the Lord for His faithfulness and perfect timing.

I have said from day one of us starting the infertility journey that I will gladly walk this road He's called me to if I can help and encourage other women through my experience. I refuse to let my suffering be in vain. Watermark, a church that's 45 minutes from our house, has an infertility ministry that meets weekly. Since 2011, I have asked Husband if I could join the group, even though it wasn't through our church. His answer was consistently no. I asked him for the fourth and final time a few weeks ago, and still received a no. I was frustrated but willing to submit, knowing God brings peace and blessing in allowing husbands to be the head of the home.

Off and on, I've had the desire to start an infertility Bible study or ministry at our church. I knew it was the Lord's leading and His answer to my prayer that my suffering would not be for naught.  However, it never became more than a desire because of my own fear.  Fear that I'd start a group and then get pregnant and cause the women who joined so much pain.  Fear that it would be depressing and women would leave feeling discouraged and hopeless.  Fear that I'm not eloquent enough not significant enough to truly impact anyone else's life. I never trusted that if it was where He wanted me, He would give me everything I need.

Over the past two years, I have had mixed feelings about the church we currently attend, Hope Fellowship. I'll have weeks where I love it, and months where I can't stand it and never want to go back.  A few weeks ago during the service, I felt the Lord clearly tell me I have been complaining and whining about things that I have the ability to change, but have been too lazy to do so. My main argument has been that the sermons lack depth, but I have taken no initiative to download even one of the endless number of "deep sermons" available to me on the internet. I'm wanting to be spoon fed instead of taking charge of my spiritual life. It was extremely humbling, but it also reignited my passion for church (and this time, I think for good... but that's another post).

So I decided it was time to get involved. Perfect timing, because our church had a "Grow Fair" last weekend. They set up tables with different groups we could sign up for. Some were life groups, some were Bible studies, some were classes, and others were interest groups. 

It was extremely crowded and we both felt overwhelmed. At that moment, Libba (the women's pastor) said "Oh you guys are the couple without kids, I have the perfect group for you!"

I know she was only trying to help, but her comment stabbed my heart and I wanted to run from the room crying. We're known as "the couple without kids?!"  

She led us to a table where a young, precious couple was eagerly wanting to recruit couples into their homegroup. They looked to be about 20 years old (and yes, I know we're only 28) but stay with me. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "We just got married a month ago! We have no idea what we're doing but we'd love for you to join our group."

Kenny and I looked at each other and knew this wasn't the group for us. We don't want to be the "parents" of a group of couples who haven't reached their first anniversary yet.  Plus we've been in this situation before... it starts out as  "Young Couples without Kids" but very quickly becomes a nightmare when week after week we hear pregnancy announcements, start receiving birth announcements, and then first birthday invitations.  We've been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

On the way home, Kenny stopped at the store, and in the few minutes I had in the car alone, the flood gates opened. I poured my heart out and wept uncontrollably. I told the Lord He is so unbelievably cruel for sitting in heaven and watching us walk through this while saying it is His best. There's just no way this could be for our good. It's so incredibly painful. I told Him I had a heart to get involved but wasn't feeling a peace about any groups at our church and Husband had repeatedly said no to the group at Watermark. Again, I pleaded with Him to stop being so distant and answer my cries!

As my emotions calmed down, I felt Him nudge my heart again to start an infertility ministry at Hope. But this time with so much more passion and conviction. It was like He said, "Sarah Jane, I've been preparing your heart for this for two and a half years. It is time, my child. Take this leap of faith and let Me show you what I can do! Trust Me."

I went home and emailed Libba, asking her if I could start a group.  Forty eight hours later (which seemed like an eternity), I heard back. It was the shortest email and seemed so harsh.

"Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your note, I had NO idea!!! You guys are amazing and I love your willing spirit to help others. Have you come across any bible studies (curriculum) or resources that speak to this need?

Libba"

I was crushed. I thought maybe I had heard wrong from the Lord. I doubted myself and wanted to give up. As I shared her response with friends, they encouraged me to keep pursuing it and not let satan distract me with his nasty lies.

So I emailed Watermark and asked if they would be willing to share their curriculum and if someone would be willing to walk me through the process of starting a group and teach me how to keep it positive and encouraging. 

Days went by. But finally, I heard back... and it was music to my ears.  They were thrilled I wanted to start a ministry, told me I could use their curriculum, and were willing to meet with me and discuss the how-to's of starting a group.

Wow! So this is how amazing God can be when I let Him work in His way, in His timing!  Suddenly, all the pieces of this puzzle have come together and He has shared with me yet another glimpse of His plan in my suffering.  Yes, it is extremely painful.  But He PROMISES it will not be in vain!

Hallelujah!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane