quest for more

"Communion with the Savior is the only thing that makes anything matter." -Katie Davis

I recently read this quote and immediately thought "That's so true!"

But here I am, just a few days later, feeling so lonely, so left out, so desperate.  I'm ready for more.

I don't know very many girls who don't grow up with a dream of getting married, buying a house, having children, and living happily ever after.  I played "house" with my siblings and cousins a million times, not knowing how hard I'd have to fight to actually see that dream become a reality. As little girls, we're just told it will happen.

But it hasn't for me.

So I've pressed in, and drawn near to God. I've asked Him, "Why?" I've expressed my anger. I've repented of my bitterness and idolatry. But I can't seem to shake it...

this feeling that I got the short end of the stick.

I want more!

I've heard so many people say, "You'll never fully understand the depth of God's love until you have your own children."  Or that going through labor and then eventually holding that new life was like experiencing heaven, sheer joy.

So why am I being deprived of knowing my God at a deeper level?  What is He holding out for?   I'm only human, and feel like I can only press in for so long without answers before I simply throw in the towel.

I don't feel like I can take these let-downs any longer. I'm tired of going to baby showers and putting on a fake happy face. I'm tired of acting excited when friends announce their pregnancy. I'm tired of being jealous that others are blessed with the ability to create new life, and "it only took one time."  And I'm tired of hearing I've done nothing wrong. If so, then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

I'm tired of my life being on hold. 

This journey is not only exhausting emotionally and physically. But now financially!  Insurance denies everything!  What else is there to work against me?

God if You don't have children in our future, then what was Your purpose in putting us together, in giving us this desire, and in giving us the hearts of parents?

Was I created to live in this in-between (married, but without children) stage for the rest of my life? 

Your Word says You alone can satisfy.  But I've been pressing in, seeking You, asking to be delivered from this nightmare, but I'm not satisfied.

So where have I missed the mark?  Search my heart oh God and show me what You want from me! 

I'm desperate.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane