sarah jane uncensored

For the sake of keeping a record of this journey, I’m letting you in on a conversation between God and me today. It is definitely one-sided. It is raw. It is not beautiful. Some of the words I speak are not truth and I know that. But the emotion is so real.

Me:  God this isn’t fair. How can you make a world where not just humans, but every living thing (animals, plants, bacteria for Heaven’s sake!) can procreate, and then put me in it and ask me to walk the road of infertility.  It seems cruel!! You created me with a purpose to procreate and have ripped it from me!  You have asked me to watch friend after friend, family member after family member get pregnant while I am forced to sit and watch, completely out of control. 

Me:  God, not only am I asked to walk this road (even though it was nothing I did or did not do that caused it), but now my friends and family members treat me differently.  It’s as if I’m “too delicate” to be told the truth anymore.  Conversations are fake and emotions are hidden.  Instead of being told by my pregnant friends that they’re sick all the time or by my mommy friends that they have difficult days… I’m told everything is fine! But I can see through their eyes it’s not the truth.

Me:  God, I have prayed numerous times that You would take this desire from my heart if it is outside of Your will.  Yet the desire grows stronger.  Is it so that I can hurt even more?  So that the pain can be greater?  How can You be so glorified by my pain!?!?

Me: God I thank You for listening to my heart and not being angry when I am honest.  I thank You for being big enough and strong enough to handle my raw emotions.  I thank You for Your word, how even though it was written thousands of years ago it can still apply to me today.  I thank You for this verse and for giving me a new understanding of it today.  And I thank You, oh I thank You that Your mercies are new every morning and that tomorrow is a new day!

“Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

Lord, let me get lost in You!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

no pressure

"Oh I had the same surgery and got pregnant my next cycle!"

This seems to be the phrase I hear from everyone after explaining my recent surgery.  While this response is exciting and encouraging, it also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me to get pregnant next month. And we all know how well stress affects fertility...

On my way to work this morning, I was thinking about this and pleading with the Lord not to let me down. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A surgery to remove aliens and endometriosis does NOT make me pregnant. A doctor, gifted with special skills and knowledge, does NOT make me pregnant. Obsessing over the timing of intercourse or what positions are best does NOT make me pregnant. 

The ALMIGHTY GOD, who gives and who takes away, blesses us with new life and makes me pregnant.  "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"  (Job 1:21)

My prayer over the months to come is that I will not put my hope in a successful surgery or a talented doctor. I am grateful that the Lord can use both of these to heal our bodies. But even if I was fertile myrtle, the Lord alone chooses when we will conceive.

My step-mom once told me God looks at the big picture, where He wants our children to fit in history. 

As a teacher, I've thought about the difference that even one year can make. Each year that I have taught can be summed up in a few words. My classes seem to fit a mold: the hard working class, the funny class, the sensitive class, etc.

So maybe waiting these last two and a half years (and possibly more) puts our children in a generation of God-fearing warriors like Joshua.  Or maybe it puts them in a generation of worshipers, with a heart like David.  Maybe it puts them with a group of Moses's who will be strong leaders.  No matter where they end up, I know the waiting will not have been in vain because He has a bigger plan.

He alone gives life.

Hearing this response will stress me out no more! The enemy meant it for harm, but God meant it for good! (Genesis 50:20)


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

my tongue

I think I spoke too soon. 

I’ve written two posts about how I never cry. 

I’ve cried three times today.

THREE…

Over something so small and insignificant you’ll think I’ve gone crazy.  Maybe I have.

We had professional family pictures taken this morning.  I am ten days post-surgery (aka I’m sporting the “swelly belly,” Aunt Flo is in town (which adds cramping to my already abused uterus), the humidity was 89% and my hair 100% frizz, and I’m fighting with all my might not to catch the stomach bug that’s going around.  I confess I was not in a pleasant mood.

After pictures, we all decided to have brunch at a restaurant nearby.  My younger sister decided to ride with Husband and me.  It has been my heart’s desire to set a good example for our younger siblings (both mine and hubby’s) since we got married.  I have prayed we would keep our priorities aligned, our love unconditional, and our actions pure.

Unfortunately, several people have told us through the years that we argue like an old married couple, and our words toward one another can often be harsh and degrading.  I don’t know when we became so immune to one another’s words, when we learned to let it roll off our backs instead of changing how we communicate.

I was the last one in the car, moving slowly and cautiously. I got settled in my seat and then realized I would have to engage stomach muscles to lean forward and shut the door. Not willing to experience the momentary discomfort, I said to Husband (in a not so friendly tone) “ugh, when will you learn to shut my door!”  My sister jumped out to shut it and we were on our way.

We planned to follow my dad but his driving and last minute lane changes were not conducive to our plans.  So it’s no surprise we got separated. I pulled out my phone to re-route and started demanding directions to Husband (again in a not so friendly tone). “Turn left, turn right. UGH! Turn around. You’re in the wrong lane, get over. You’re going the wrong way.”

Finally we arrived and I told my sister to go on inside while I changed from my unforgiving jeans to my heavenly sweat pants!  In our few moments alone, Husband gently pointed out my ugly tones and demands and reminded me it wasn’t a very good example. I jumped to the defense and said I wasn’t feeling well and that my sister probably understood. We went inside and joined the family.

I started feeling sick and decided not to eat and didn’t want to enter into conversations. I blamed this on Aunt Flo’s visit and counted the minutes until we could leave.

On the silent ride home, the Holy Spirit pierced my heart and convicted me of my hurtful words.  I was wrong. I was so wrong. And the fact that I tried to make an excuse made it worse. This was the perfect time to speak lovingly toward my husband and set the example I had prayed we would, and I blew it!  Tears rolled down my face as I sent a text to my sister apologizing for my actions. She forgave me and I tried to move on.

But I still had a pit in my stomach.  How could I have been so selfish, so unthoughtful, so harsh?  I apologized to Husband as the tears flowed faster and faster.

I didn’t receive the response I wanted so I tried to divert my attention to phone calls. But when no one answered, I was left to my own thoughts again.  I have nagged Husband about this, pointed the finger, and blamed him countless times for the way we communicate.  Oh how big the log in my own eyes must be! (Matthew 7:5)

The tears didn’t come slowly this time, they poured!  Poor Husband was probably in shock by this point but he finally responded to my third apology by explaining why it hurt him so much.

There are countless verses in the Bible about taming the tongue.  Proverbs 18:21 says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  James 3:6 reminds me “the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”

Oh God may I learn the importance of taming my tongue and learning to speak in gentle, loving tones, even on days when everything is going wrong.  Lord may I learn this discipline well before you bless us with children whose ears are always hearing and eyes always watching.  Thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, and for the Holy Spirit who so gently comes to convict and never condemn.  Lord I know praying this prayer means You will give me ample opportunities to practice, and I know I will fail. But I pray each time I get back up that I will be stronger and have a more keen sense of when to hold my tongue. I know with Your strength I can overcome this bad habit. Amen.

humbled by his faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

carry me

Music has always been a huge part of my family.  My mom grew up in a family of six… the daddy, the mommy, two boys, and two girls.  Ironically, they were each gifted with a different voice and formed their own chorus.  My grandmother wrote many songs and accompanied them as they performed in churches and nursing homes throughout the state. They even recorded their own record! 

My mom now owns a music school that offers private in-home piano lessons to over two hundred students. My siblings and I were forced to take blessed with the opportunity to take piano lessons from age five until we graduated high school.  My older sister went to Southern Methodist University on a full scholarship for piano at age sixteen. I will never forget falling asleep listening to her practice Rachmaninoff and Prokofiev.

When I was in ninth grade, I started teaching piano for my mom’s school and haven’t stopped since. Not only did it give me an opportunity to grow in my own music skills, but I also learned responsibility, maturity, integrity, and honed my own teaching style.  Although I spent my days after school in a music studio instead of learning how to socialize, I am grateful for the character God built in me and the experience I gained early on.

Living so close to our extended family gave us the chance to see each other often. This was necessary because we performed shows for nursing homes and churches, just as our parents did. All thirteen grandchildren took turns singing songs, playing the piano, and performing skits. We did it so many times I think we could all still perform the whole show today if the occasion was right.

I cannot remember a family gathering that ended without aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends gathered around the piano to sing hymns or Christmas carols.  It was the highlight of the evening!

My sweet grandmother always listened to 101.1 WRR, the classical station on the radio. I used to think it was so old-fashioned, but now I find myself tuning in to that same station and reminiscing.  When the end of her life drew near, all she wanted was her family beside her. The hospital had a two-visitor rule but they made an exception for “the Roberts.” We squeezed thirty people in her tiny room and sang hymns. She went from hearing our voices to hearing the voices of the angels, all singing praises to our Savior!

I recently had an epiphany. I noticed every time I was sad, depressed, lonely, or glum that I sat down and played the piano.  Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, Liszt… whoever the composer, it was always a song in a minor key. It hit me one day while talking to a dear friend. Music expressed what my words and emotions could not. It uttered the deep agony and anguish of my soul in an entirely different language and it was so freeing!  Often times my minor sounding songs turned into hymns of praise.  I mentioned in my last post that God created me without an ability to cry… but I think He replaced it with a talent for music and the ability to worship Him through song.

My next surgery is today at 8:00.  The alien’s time has come to be exterminated! I am much more nervous this time and have tried not to think about it.  I am battling anxiety and fear so much more this time. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why yet, but either way I know it’s not from the Lord.  His word says:

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:5-7

A co-worker reminded my yesterday when I worry I am carrying something I was never meant to carry.  Her words ran through my mind last night and this morning, along with the verse from Philippians. God intends for me to carry peace, and He will carry me.

Husband picked me up from work and had Martin Smith playing in the background.  Martin Smith was the lead singer of Delirious, a band that changed both of our walks with the Lord and is played daily in our home. He is now working solo, but his songs still pierce my heart. In my mind, Mr. Smith is a modern-day David. 

I know I keep posting songs that the Lord has used instrumentally in my life. But here’s one more. The actual song is much longer, but this verse and chorus spoke volumes to me:

You Carry Me (Psalm for the Broken)

Martin Smith

When your heart is all but broken

And the truth cannot be spoken

I will not be shaken.

I will not be shaken.

And you carry me,

You carry me.

You carry me

All the way to the other side.

Lord, my flesh wants to be terrified, anxious, and doubtful.  It encourages me to focus on the negatives and everything that could possibly go wrong. But I take those thoughts captive to obey You! (2 Corinthians 10:5)  You alone are in control and will not let anything happen to me that has not first passed through Your hands. Father, I am trading in my fears and worries for the peace that only comes from You.  Carry me Lord!!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane