epiphany

Husband and I had dinner last night with some friends that were instrumental in our reconnecting and eventually marrying. Which got me thinking about how it all happened.

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I went to the homeschool prom my senior year, even though I attended a private school. A good friend, who is more like a brother to me, asked me to go with him and I knew it would be more fun than going solo to my own high school's prom. 

A friend of mine from school, Audrey, was also invited to the homeschool prom and I found out she was going with Kenny, whom I knew from church but had not seen in a few years. We decided it would be fun to meet up and hang out after prom.  We snuck into a movie theater to see Spiderman and then went to IHOP.

When our evening was done, the guys dropped Audrey and I off at my house for a sleepover.  Before leaving, Kenny handed Audrey an invitation to his graduation.  I said goodbye, and my heart silently said "forever."  It had been fluttering all night but there was no mention of hanging out again and I couldn't tell if he had any interest in me at all.  I clung to the name card that read "Kenneth Graham Wright" all night long and prayed God heard my heart.

A week later, Kenny called and my heart skipped a thousand beats!  He asked if I wanted to see a movie with him and some friends, aka first date.  A week after that we went to a graduation party for a mutual friend, aka second date.  Kenny drove me home that night, turned his car off in front of my house, looked at me and asked the Question that started it all. "Where do you want this relationship to go?"

My heart stopped. We were in a relationship?!?  I mean, I'm a girl and of course had already imagined us rocking our grandchildren on the front porch of our home, built by Kenny, someday. I didn't think guys moved that fast! But as I've said before, I instantly fell in love with his father's heart and knew I wanted to be his bride. We both poured out our hearts that night and agreed we were in this for marriage.

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I was replaying these events in my mind last night on the drive home after dinner.  I asked Husband what made him ask the Question on that special night almost ten years ago. Being a man of few words, his answer was simple. "Because I knew what I wanted... a wife and children."  I smiled and teased that he had previously mentioned wishing he had been a pilot in the military when he was younger. But he reaffirmed that that desire was only if he knew having a family was out of the question.

I wonder if God purposely kept me from discussing this with Husband until now because of the impact it would have on me.  

My Epiphany: God put a desire in both of our hearts at a young age to marry and have a family. After two dates, we both knew we wanted to start that family with each other.  We both fell in love with the parental instincts we saw in each other. So although I do not know what it will look like, I KNOW that God will give us the desires of our hearts and bless us with children someday.  

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, 

it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."

Matthew 18:19

The surgeries are over and my uterus is free of the alien and all other structural abnormalities that were previously hindering me from conceiving. I am approaching a season of true waiting on the Lord.  Up until now, I blamed my infertility on physical obstructions. But the Lord has brought healing in that area and we are anxiously anticipating that same Hand to bring new life... in His perfect timing.  I am clinging to this verse now more than ever, knowing Husband and I have been in complete agreement from the very beginning.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

temper tantrum complete

I’ll admit it. I’ve been MIA the last two weeks because I’ve been throwing a temper tantrum.

I’ve been angry… extremely, unapologetically, utterly angry. 

I have refused to open my Bible and allow the Lord to speak to me and soften my heart.

I have stomped my feet, hardened my heart, and desperately tried to fill the void in my heart with everything ANYTHING but more of God.

Recovery from my laparotomy has been a nightmare, and that is truly an understatement. I’ve made a trip to the ER, seen an OB/GYN here in Dallas three times (and counting), had my incision packed from the inside, had incision re-opened and packed from the outside, AND had a visit from Aunt Flo all in the last month.

BUT, even through all my temper tantrum throwing, the Lord has been undeniably gracious, and I’m sure I’ve only seen the tip of His iceberg of grace.

I met a dear friend for dinner tonight to discuss Romans. We have been studying Romans since August, trying to meet every other week but not always being able to.  She asked me how recovery was going, and then as if on cue, she asked how things were going spiritually. And I laid it all out on the table. (She probably wished she had not asked!)

I threw argument after argument, false accusation after false accusation, lie after lie at her and each time she answered calmly, strongly, and assuredly with truth straight from Scripture. She was always ready with an answer to which I would have no rebuttal.  And yes, God took it even a step further and showed me every one of the verses she quoted in the very scriptures we were meeting to discuss.

I told her I was so tired and weary of fighting this battle, wondering why God is giving me more than I can handle. She reminded me I can’t handle it, but He can! (Romans 8:26)

When I explained my frustration and confusion about “His best” consisting of kids for my sister but not for me, she replied “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)  I’ve heard that verse a thousand times and confess I rolled my eyes when she read it. “Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve heard that one before, but this sure doesn’t seem like my good,” I thought.

What amazed me is that she didn’t stop there. She patiently continued, “For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son… and those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.”  (Romans 8:29-30)  My ultimate good is spending eternity in glory with Him forever! My ultimate good is getting more of Him. My ultimate good is His molding, shaping, and creating me to be more like Him.  And my desire for children, although a genuine, God-given desire, has been elevated to a level of idolatry.

She continued, if “He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)  He is NOT withholding any good from me. Period. The end.

She gave me an analogy of God having the owner’s manual for my life, trying to keep me on track so that I will work properly, smoothly, and to my fullest potential. What I am trying to do is find a loophole, an argument that will leave Him speechless.

We laughed, who am I to try and outsmart the God of the infinite universe!? My efforts will always prove to be futile. The clay cannot say to the potter “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20).

I was floored. He’s heard my heart, He’s seen my anger, He’s watched me pout, and yet He loves me still.  Verse by verse He softened my heart and broke the wall I have built to try and shield myself from the giver of life, thinking He was enjoying my pain.

Before I left for the night, my friend encouraged me to read through my blog to see His faithfulness in my life these past few months. She remembered I had recently been in a place of contentment, peace, and trust. This is one more stone to place on my altar… so my children will know “the hand of the Lord is mighty.”

Okay God, I give up. I am so sorry for questioning Your goodness, for not trusting in You, and for thinking I knew better. I am sorry for putting my desire for children before You. Help me to see that You are all I need. Hold me in Your lap and comfort me as I continue to heal from surgery. Thank you for using my sweet friend Amanda to speak so directly to me tonight. May this be another stone on my altar of remembrance!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane