sarah jane uncensored

For the sake of keeping a record of this journey, I’m letting you in on a conversation between God and me today. It is definitely one-sided. It is raw. It is not beautiful. Some of the words I speak are not truth and I know that. But the emotion is so real.

Me:  God this isn’t fair. How can you make a world where not just humans, but every living thing (animals, plants, bacteria for Heaven’s sake!) can procreate, and then put me in it and ask me to walk the road of infertility.  It seems cruel!! You created me with a purpose to procreate and have ripped it from me!  You have asked me to watch friend after friend, family member after family member get pregnant while I am forced to sit and watch, completely out of control. 

Me:  God, not only am I asked to walk this road (even though it was nothing I did or did not do that caused it), but now my friends and family members treat me differently.  It’s as if I’m “too delicate” to be told the truth anymore.  Conversations are fake and emotions are hidden.  Instead of being told by my pregnant friends that they’re sick all the time or by my mommy friends that they have difficult days… I’m told everything is fine! But I can see through their eyes it’s not the truth.

Me:  God, I have prayed numerous times that You would take this desire from my heart if it is outside of Your will.  Yet the desire grows stronger.  Is it so that I can hurt even more?  So that the pain can be greater?  How can You be so glorified by my pain!?!?

Me: God I thank You for listening to my heart and not being angry when I am honest.  I thank You for being big enough and strong enough to handle my raw emotions.  I thank You for Your word, how even though it was written thousands of years ago it can still apply to me today.  I thank You for this verse and for giving me a new understanding of it today.  And I thank You, oh I thank You that Your mercies are new every morning and that tomorrow is a new day!

“Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

Lord, let me get lost in You!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane