temper tantrum complete

I’ll admit it. I’ve been MIA the last two weeks because I’ve been throwing a temper tantrum.

I’ve been angry… extremely, unapologetically, utterly angry. 

I have refused to open my Bible and allow the Lord to speak to me and soften my heart.

I have stomped my feet, hardened my heart, and desperately tried to fill the void in my heart with everything ANYTHING but more of God.

Recovery from my laparotomy has been a nightmare, and that is truly an understatement. I’ve made a trip to the ER, seen an OB/GYN here in Dallas three times (and counting), had my incision packed from the inside, had incision re-opened and packed from the outside, AND had a visit from Aunt Flo all in the last month.

BUT, even through all my temper tantrum throwing, the Lord has been undeniably gracious, and I’m sure I’ve only seen the tip of His iceberg of grace.

I met a dear friend for dinner tonight to discuss Romans. We have been studying Romans since August, trying to meet every other week but not always being able to.  She asked me how recovery was going, and then as if on cue, she asked how things were going spiritually. And I laid it all out on the table. (She probably wished she had not asked!)

I threw argument after argument, false accusation after false accusation, lie after lie at her and each time she answered calmly, strongly, and assuredly with truth straight from Scripture. She was always ready with an answer to which I would have no rebuttal.  And yes, God took it even a step further and showed me every one of the verses she quoted in the very scriptures we were meeting to discuss.

I told her I was so tired and weary of fighting this battle, wondering why God is giving me more than I can handle. She reminded me I can’t handle it, but He can! (Romans 8:26)

When I explained my frustration and confusion about “His best” consisting of kids for my sister but not for me, she replied “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)  I’ve heard that verse a thousand times and confess I rolled my eyes when she read it. “Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve heard that one before, but this sure doesn’t seem like my good,” I thought.

What amazed me is that she didn’t stop there. She patiently continued, “For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son… and those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.”  (Romans 8:29-30)  My ultimate good is spending eternity in glory with Him forever! My ultimate good is getting more of Him. My ultimate good is His molding, shaping, and creating me to be more like Him.  And my desire for children, although a genuine, God-given desire, has been elevated to a level of idolatry.

She continued, if “He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)  He is NOT withholding any good from me. Period. The end.

She gave me an analogy of God having the owner’s manual for my life, trying to keep me on track so that I will work properly, smoothly, and to my fullest potential. What I am trying to do is find a loophole, an argument that will leave Him speechless.

We laughed, who am I to try and outsmart the God of the infinite universe!? My efforts will always prove to be futile. The clay cannot say to the potter “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20).

I was floored. He’s heard my heart, He’s seen my anger, He’s watched me pout, and yet He loves me still.  Verse by verse He softened my heart and broke the wall I have built to try and shield myself from the giver of life, thinking He was enjoying my pain.

Before I left for the night, my friend encouraged me to read through my blog to see His faithfulness in my life these past few months. She remembered I had recently been in a place of contentment, peace, and trust. This is one more stone to place on my altar… so my children will know “the hand of the Lord is mighty.”

Okay God, I give up. I am so sorry for questioning Your goodness, for not trusting in You, and for thinking I knew better. I am sorry for putting my desire for children before You. Help me to see that You are all I need. Hold me in Your lap and comfort me as I continue to heal from surgery. Thank you for using my sweet friend Amanda to speak so directly to me tonight. May this be another stone on my altar of remembrance!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane