my tongue

I think I spoke too soon. 

I’ve written two posts about how I never cry. 

I’ve cried three times today.

THREE…

Over something so small and insignificant you’ll think I’ve gone crazy.  Maybe I have.

We had professional family pictures taken this morning.  I am ten days post-surgery (aka I’m sporting the “swelly belly,” Aunt Flo is in town (which adds cramping to my already abused uterus), the humidity was 89% and my hair 100% frizz, and I’m fighting with all my might not to catch the stomach bug that’s going around.  I confess I was not in a pleasant mood.

After pictures, we all decided to have brunch at a restaurant nearby.  My younger sister decided to ride with Husband and me.  It has been my heart’s desire to set a good example for our younger siblings (both mine and hubby’s) since we got married.  I have prayed we would keep our priorities aligned, our love unconditional, and our actions pure.

Unfortunately, several people have told us through the years that we argue like an old married couple, and our words toward one another can often be harsh and degrading.  I don’t know when we became so immune to one another’s words, when we learned to let it roll off our backs instead of changing how we communicate.

I was the last one in the car, moving slowly and cautiously. I got settled in my seat and then realized I would have to engage stomach muscles to lean forward and shut the door. Not willing to experience the momentary discomfort, I said to Husband (in a not so friendly tone) “ugh, when will you learn to shut my door!”  My sister jumped out to shut it and we were on our way.

We planned to follow my dad but his driving and last minute lane changes were not conducive to our plans.  So it’s no surprise we got separated. I pulled out my phone to re-route and started demanding directions to Husband (again in a not so friendly tone). “Turn left, turn right. UGH! Turn around. You’re in the wrong lane, get over. You’re going the wrong way.”

Finally we arrived and I told my sister to go on inside while I changed from my unforgiving jeans to my heavenly sweat pants!  In our few moments alone, Husband gently pointed out my ugly tones and demands and reminded me it wasn’t a very good example. I jumped to the defense and said I wasn’t feeling well and that my sister probably understood. We went inside and joined the family.

I started feeling sick and decided not to eat and didn’t want to enter into conversations. I blamed this on Aunt Flo’s visit and counted the minutes until we could leave.

On the silent ride home, the Holy Spirit pierced my heart and convicted me of my hurtful words.  I was wrong. I was so wrong. And the fact that I tried to make an excuse made it worse. This was the perfect time to speak lovingly toward my husband and set the example I had prayed we would, and I blew it!  Tears rolled down my face as I sent a text to my sister apologizing for my actions. She forgave me and I tried to move on.

But I still had a pit in my stomach.  How could I have been so selfish, so unthoughtful, so harsh?  I apologized to Husband as the tears flowed faster and faster.

I didn’t receive the response I wanted so I tried to divert my attention to phone calls. But when no one answered, I was left to my own thoughts again.  I have nagged Husband about this, pointed the finger, and blamed him countless times for the way we communicate.  Oh how big the log in my own eyes must be! (Matthew 7:5)

The tears didn’t come slowly this time, they poured!  Poor Husband was probably in shock by this point but he finally responded to my third apology by explaining why it hurt him so much.

There are countless verses in the Bible about taming the tongue.  Proverbs 18:21 says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  James 3:6 reminds me “the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”

Oh God may I learn the importance of taming my tongue and learning to speak in gentle, loving tones, even on days when everything is going wrong.  Lord may I learn this discipline well before you bless us with children whose ears are always hearing and eyes always watching.  Thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, and for the Holy Spirit who so gently comes to convict and never condemn.  Lord I know praying this prayer means You will give me ample opportunities to practice, and I know I will fail. But I pray each time I get back up that I will be stronger and have a more keen sense of when to hold my tongue. I know with Your strength I can overcome this bad habit. Amen.

humbled by his faithfulness and love,

sarah jane