God is gracious

I spoke too soon... my hormones are now so far out of whack I don't think they'll ever normalize.  My progesterone was 105 and my estrogen 89.  If 35 was too high, is 105 not lethal?  I thought surely I was pregnant, maybe even with twins. But alas, after two negative pregnancy tests, Aunt Flo has come with an evil laugh and "gotcha" attitude.

I just don't understand. The surgeries were successful. My uterus was cleaned out. My hormones semi-level. All that we needed was the Lord's blessing and timing... why does He choose to withhold this from us? His word says children are a blessing. Psalm 127:4-5 says "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's YOUTH. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."  Now I realize I might define youth differently than God, but I'm not getting any younger. 

People tell me "Oh you have plenty of time, you're just a baby!"  I'm SO disgusted at those words.  Had I started popping out babies when we got married, we'd have four or five and I'd be HALFWAY to the ten I dream of having!  My friends with children (some with only one) complain non-stop about the horrors childbirth did to their body. I will take the twenty extra pounds, stretch marks, pouchy belly, and cellulite any day! How can someone look at their own children, with their precious, innocent, joyful faces and think "you are the reason I'm not sexy any more!"

My lack of understanding is what gets to me more than anything these days. I know God has a plan. I know He's good and sovereign. I know His timing is perfect. But I don't understand... why me? Why this long? Why such a strong desire?  Why does He tease us with answers and solutions to give us more unknowns?  Why?  WHY!?

For more reasons I don't understand, God is choosing to be silent in this matter.  And that's okay, for now.

I'm choosing to focus on the blessings:  I went to the gym yesterday for my first run post-surgery. I've been cycling, but have been scared to run because it's more high impact.  I was thrilled to know I've still got it! I ran three miles at my previous eleven minute per mile pace... and only had to stop once. God is gracious.

And I love this man more than my words could ever express. His patience, support, wisdom, encouraging words, and silent hugs that say "everything will be okay" are more than I could ever ask for.  I often struggle with knowing that I married a man with a father's heart and yet I cannot give him children. But God knew that before He brought us together.  And in one way or another, I know we will be parents, as God has always intended us to be! I love you babe!

at my sister's wedding (twenty-four hours after he returned from Cambodia)

"As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste... His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!" Song of Solomon 2:3,6)

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane