i choose joy

My older sister called today and announced she was pregnant… with her fourth baby.  I immediately responded with excitement and pictured her adorable future baby bump and started imagining what her life would be like with a family of four.  I have dreamed and dreamed, prayed and prayed these past two years that God would allow us to be pregnant at the same time. Maybe this will be it!  We are close not only in age, but we are kindred spirits as well. She is my best friend! I long for our children to be best buddies and not just acquaintances, because their age difference is so great.

But as soon as I hung up the phone, bitterness and jealousy stuck it’s ugly head through my heart and made me question my happiness for her.  Oh how my heart writhed with anger!

I knew this could go further downhill, snowballing and avalanching until I would be so hopelessly depressed I’d never come out of it. 

After a few texts were sent, my mentors came to the rescue!!

I asked how I could be such a horrible person to not be genuinely happy when the miracle of life was just created!  They both replied, “Because you are human!” 

That helped a little. But my heart was still throwing its tantrum and I became crippled. I had just pulled into the driveway and literally could not get of my car. I sat there for an hour not wanting to take another step forward. I had made up my mind to give up.

And then my mother-in-law texted, “Cry. Scream. And then allow the Lord to change your heart.”

Silence.  God pierced my heart and it too gave up. 

Many people have told me God is not offended by our honesty, even when it’s an expression of anger.  He can handle it.  But even as emotionally unstable as I feel, I find it nearly impossible to cry.  And I love crying!  It’s so humbling and freeing. I may be sad, but rarely to the point of tears. Instead, I tend to shut down.  But I followed the advice and straight up told the Lord I was angry, jealous, and bitter.  The chains were broke and I stepped out of my car.

I decided to go for a stress-relieving run.  I always listen to the Old Testament songs from Music Inspired by the Story when I run. There’s just something so energizing in listening to stories from the Bible… stories that portray God’s strength, sovereignty, love, power, and grace. Ahhhhhhhhh!

But today my iPod shuffled and went to a New Testament song… Jesus’s song.  As I listened to these lyrics, I felt the Lord put His enveloping arms around me and squeeze me tighter than He ever has before. Oh how He knows my pain and exactly when and how to reach me.   

Here are some of the lyrics:

Tell me your story, show me your wounds,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you.

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you.

I see what I made in your mother’s womb,

I see the day I fell in love with you,

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance,

I see My Father’s fingerprints.

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page.

You see the struggle, you see the shame,

I see the reason I came.

I have probably said this before, but I’ll say it a thousand times… I am beyond grateful that this pain in my life can be used for His glory!  I am humbled that He chooses, each and every day, to put His fingerprints on me.  I am encouraged that He alone can put back together the millions of broken pieces that I am.

Today the enemy jumped at an opportunity to destroy my faith with my sweet sister’s phone call.  And he may have won momentarily. But I know who ultimately holds the victory… and that is my beautiful Savior!  And it is because of His unending grace and love that I choose joy.  I REFUSE to allow anger, bitterness, and jealousy take root.  Instead, I am planting patience, peace, faithfulness, and joy! 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 

kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Galatians 5:22

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane