but i don't fit the mold

Over the past few weeks I’ve found myself struggling to understand why I don’t have any of the symptoms that are typically found in women with the disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.  This includes high testosterone levels, facial hair growth, upper body weight gain, less than nine menstrual cycles per year, and prolonged, heavy menstrual cycles.  In fact, I have the opposite of all of these.  I’ve shared with Husband after each appointment that diagnosed yet another disorder, “I don’t fit the mold!"

So why… why me? Why was I given colossal size, baby-birthing hips, the strongest desire to have a house overflowing with children, a husband with a father’s heart (that I fell in love with the MOMENT I saw him), and a mile long list of diagnoses confirming infertility? 

I pondered this question in my heart for days.  The Lord finally took my hand and answered, “When have I ever chosen someone that fit the mold?  And who’s mold are you referring to any way, dear child?”  He led me to scripture after scripture after scripture, through Old and New Testaments, showing me others He chose who did not fit the mold. 

After showing Abraham the numerous stars in the night sky, the Lord promised him he would be the father of many nations… “Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Genesis 15:5, 17:17)

In a burning bush, the Lord told Moses to free the Israelites from Pharaoh’s hand and lead them to the Promised Land. Moses replied, “Who am I that I should go…oh my Lord, I am not eloquent… I am slow of speech and tongue.” (Exodus 3:11, 4:10)

Through the prophet Samuel, God anointed a shepherd boy to be the king of Israel. This angered king Saul and he sought to kill David, who never asked to be king. In confidence to his friend Jonathan, David poured out his heart, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?” (1 Samuel 16:11, 20:1)

The angel Gabriel told Mary that she would conceive the Son of the Most High, even though she was not yet married. In fear she replied, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34)

In a vision to the disciple Ananias, the Lord said, “ ‘Rise and…look for a man of Tarsus named Saul’… But Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem’… But the Lord said to [Ananias], ‘Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.’ ” (Acts 9:11-16)

I have engraved on my left wrist “His ways are higher.”  I will never understand, this side of heaven, why God does what He does and why He calls who He calls.  But what I have learned is “the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)  The world’s mold and the Lord’s mold are completely opposite.

Just as Abraham thought there was no possibility Sarah could conceive in her old age, I also feel I am too old to have a house FULL of children.  If you had asked ten years ago when I met my husband what our life would look like ten years later, I would have said we’d have five kids by now and be nowhere near finished. But I know my God has different plans.

Just as Moses felt inadequate, I sometimes feel too weak to carry on and too inexperienced to decide what road to follow next. But I know my God will impart strength and wisdom.

Just as David never asked to be king, I never asked to be infertile. But I know my God will use this opportunity not only for growth but also to knit my heart closer to His own.

Just as Mary saw no physical possibility to conceive, I feel like the alien who is unwilling to leave, and who desires to procreate, has overtaken my poor uterus and left no physical room for a baby to grow.  But I know my God is the Healer and Giver of life.

Just as Paul, who murdered Christians, was called to preach the gospel, so will I, who have been bitter and jealous of my own friends who have conceived before me, be able to share and encourage others on this journey.

I am beyond thankful the Lord can see past my weak and selfish flesh, into my heart that longs to be His servant. I’m thankful I too, don’t fit the mold.

So I head into surgery tomorrow completely at peace, knowing I am in the Lord’s hands.  No matter what happens He is good, He is sovereign, and He loves me so incredibly much! 

And to the alien I say, “your days are numbered!”

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane