i'm not bipolar, i'm battling infertility

Aunt Flo came to visit on Thursday.  The week before her visit was atypical.  I did not experience the usual symptoms I normally feel in anticipation of her coming.  I had taken a step in becoming content with where I am in life right now.  I was experiencing sweet fellowship with Jesus and was so comforted by His wooing.  In an earlier conversation with my friend on the phone, I told her I was amazed by the peace I was feeling and the burden that had been lifted.  I was a new person.

Aunt Flo’s actual visit was atypical as well… but I’ll spare you the details.

Suddenly she was gone.  I walked into church on Saturday night, ready to sing songs of beautiful worship to my God.  On the way in I saw this:

THEN the switch flipped.  I was angry. I was bitter. I felt hopeless. And I desperately wanted to give up.  These feelings normally come the day Aunt Flo arrives… when I realize yet another month has gone by with an empty womb.  By the end of her visit, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not pregnant but I’m eager to see what the next month will bring.  I found it odd that these feelings came so late.

I hate this struggle.  I told Husband of all the struggles in the world this is the worst.  The emotional swings are killing me. They’re unpredictable and unfair.  I can feel them creeping in and I try with all my might to build a dam, to keep them away forever. But no matter how hard I try, the feelings come like a tsunami and in the blink of an eye I’m drowning.

I hate drowning. I feel so helpless, alone, and weak. But it’s here, in this moment that my sweet Savior comes to my rescue.  He does not always promise to take me immediately to shore, but I’m promised I won’t be alone.  He surrounds me. He upholds me. He wipes my tears. He listens to me yell and scream and kick and fight. And He silently says, “I know, I know how much this hurts.  Give it to me again.  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

(Matthew 11:28-30)

And just like that the waters are calmed.  Although I’m still not on the shore of motherhood, I’m standing out in the middle of the ocean on the solid ground that is my God.  Waves will continue to come, with every visit from Aunt Flo.  Tiny things, like seeing a sign for parents of infants, will threaten to knock me down, back into the sea of hopelessness. But one thing I know without a shadow of doubt is that my God will pick me back up.  I view this experience and see myself as a bipolar, unstable female. He looks at this as an opportunity to answer prayers I’ve prayed since junior high… that He would grow me and make me a vessel fit for His use, whatever that may be.

Lord, I’m humbled that You can use these unpredictable, bipolar emotions to strengthen my faith and draw me even closer to Your heart.  God, it’s no secret that I want a baby. But if having a baby right now would threaten my relationship with You, then I choose You.  You alone are the joy that floods my soul!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane