shiloh

This last Tuesday I went to my first infertility Bible study meeting.  I got the approval from our church to start an infertility ministry, but not until 2013.  At first I was bummed that I couldn't start immediately. But the Lord was very quick to show me that just because He gave the "okay" doesn't mean I'm fully ready. We have a lot of work to do!

I decided (with Husband's approval) to attend this Bible study even though it is so far from where we live. If I'm going to lead it, I want to have gone through it. The leader is absolutely amazing! She is so genuine, such a beautiful example of Christ.  She opens up her home each week and leads ten girls through a curriculum written by Julie Fowler.  Being a former IFer herself (she struggled with it for eight years and then was blessed with triplet girls!), she truly understands where we're coming from but also has wisdom beyond her years now that she is on the other side. I am so encouraged and inspired by her example. 

The are no family pictures in the room we meet in, to ease our pain and help us feel safe. She said her entire family is supportive of her leading this group. Her daughters (now in college) are honored that their story is able to comfort and encouraged so many women. I'm blown away at how many ways God has used her infertility to bless everyone in the family, as well as anyone who enters their home. It's beautiful.

During our meeting, she mentioned the song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack.  If you haven't heard this song, you must google it ASAP!  It was our theme song when I was on the drill team in high school, and now it will hold an even dearer place in my heart.

Instead of sitting out, she encouraged us to learn to "dance" through this season. God has purposely put me here for many reasons. And He has much for me to accomplish during this time. I pray that as I work my way through this study (no matter how many tears I shed or how much pain I feel) God will draw me closer to Him and that I would accomplish all He has for me in this season.

The name of the study is "Shiloh" which means a place of rest. This is a quote from the writer's introduction:

"While I had struggled with sitting out and missing out, God was calling me to 'rest' instead. He was asking me to join Him in the plans He had for me and to rest in His love, goodness, and sovereignty. I was being asked to present my desires to Him and then surrender and trust in His perfect plan. Would I believe that He is in control? Would I believe that He is good?"

It's so good to be going through a study geared specifically for what I'm going through. I've done many other studies, and completed them with infertility in mind.  This one is just different. A good different.

Each week we have to memorize a verse. I chose two for this week. One as a reminder for me wanting to start a ministry, and the other is for me personally. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

1 Peter 1:6-7

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the timing

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've begged the Lord to draw near to me again. Over the past six months, I've felt Him slowly slip away and lead me through a valley I knew was coming. (read about it here)  I know He has purpose in everything He does, and I can't wait to see all His purposes in having me not only walk the road of infertility, but in enduring this recent time in the desert.

However, I can say with complete assurance that His time has come to lead me out! Hallelujah!

I feel such a peace with our decision to stop fertility treatments. That was a tremendous burden, which I don't even think I knew I was carrying, and it has been lifted. Hallelujah!

But the biggest change of all has brought me to my knees and I am rejoicing in the Lord for His faithfulness and perfect timing.

I have said from day one of us starting the infertility journey that I will gladly walk this road He's called me to if I can help and encourage other women through my experience. I refuse to let my suffering be in vain. Watermark, a church that's 45 minutes from our house, has an infertility ministry that meets weekly. Since 2011, I have asked Husband if I could join the group, even though it wasn't through our church. His answer was consistently no. I asked him for the fourth and final time a few weeks ago, and still received a no. I was frustrated but willing to submit, knowing God brings peace and blessing in allowing husbands to be the head of the home.

Off and on, I've had the desire to start an infertility Bible study or ministry at our church. I knew it was the Lord's leading and His answer to my prayer that my suffering would not be for naught.  However, it never became more than a desire because of my own fear.  Fear that I'd start a group and then get pregnant and cause the women who joined so much pain.  Fear that it would be depressing and women would leave feeling discouraged and hopeless.  Fear that I'm not eloquent enough not significant enough to truly impact anyone else's life. I never trusted that if it was where He wanted me, He would give me everything I need.

Over the past two years, I have had mixed feelings about the church we currently attend, Hope Fellowship. I'll have weeks where I love it, and months where I can't stand it and never want to go back.  A few weeks ago during the service, I felt the Lord clearly tell me I have been complaining and whining about things that I have the ability to change, but have been too lazy to do so. My main argument has been that the sermons lack depth, but I have taken no initiative to download even one of the endless number of "deep sermons" available to me on the internet. I'm wanting to be spoon fed instead of taking charge of my spiritual life. It was extremely humbling, but it also reignited my passion for church (and this time, I think for good... but that's another post).

So I decided it was time to get involved. Perfect timing, because our church had a "Grow Fair" last weekend. They set up tables with different groups we could sign up for. Some were life groups, some were Bible studies, some were classes, and others were interest groups. 

It was extremely crowded and we both felt overwhelmed. At that moment, Libba (the women's pastor) said "Oh you guys are the couple without kids, I have the perfect group for you!"

I know she was only trying to help, but her comment stabbed my heart and I wanted to run from the room crying. We're known as "the couple without kids?!"  

She led us to a table where a young, precious couple was eagerly wanting to recruit couples into their homegroup. They looked to be about 20 years old (and yes, I know we're only 28) but stay with me. They smiled from ear to ear and said, "We just got married a month ago! We have no idea what we're doing but we'd love for you to join our group."

Kenny and I looked at each other and knew this wasn't the group for us. We don't want to be the "parents" of a group of couples who haven't reached their first anniversary yet.  Plus we've been in this situation before... it starts out as  "Young Couples without Kids" but very quickly becomes a nightmare when week after week we hear pregnancy announcements, start receiving birth announcements, and then first birthday invitations.  We've been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

On the way home, Kenny stopped at the store, and in the few minutes I had in the car alone, the flood gates opened. I poured my heart out and wept uncontrollably. I told the Lord He is so unbelievably cruel for sitting in heaven and watching us walk through this while saying it is His best. There's just no way this could be for our good. It's so incredibly painful. I told Him I had a heart to get involved but wasn't feeling a peace about any groups at our church and Husband had repeatedly said no to the group at Watermark. Again, I pleaded with Him to stop being so distant and answer my cries!

As my emotions calmed down, I felt Him nudge my heart again to start an infertility ministry at Hope. But this time with so much more passion and conviction. It was like He said, "Sarah Jane, I've been preparing your heart for this for two and a half years. It is time, my child. Take this leap of faith and let Me show you what I can do! Trust Me."

I went home and emailed Libba, asking her if I could start a group.  Forty eight hours later (which seemed like an eternity), I heard back. It was the shortest email and seemed so harsh.

"Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your note, I had NO idea!!! You guys are amazing and I love your willing spirit to help others. Have you come across any bible studies (curriculum) or resources that speak to this need?

Libba"

I was crushed. I thought maybe I had heard wrong from the Lord. I doubted myself and wanted to give up. As I shared her response with friends, they encouraged me to keep pursuing it and not let satan distract me with his nasty lies.

So I emailed Watermark and asked if they would be willing to share their curriculum and if someone would be willing to walk me through the process of starting a group and teach me how to keep it positive and encouraging. 

Days went by. But finally, I heard back... and it was music to my ears.  They were thrilled I wanted to start a ministry, told me I could use their curriculum, and were willing to meet with me and discuss the how-to's of starting a group.

Wow! So this is how amazing God can be when I let Him work in His way, in His timing!  Suddenly, all the pieces of this puzzle have come together and He has shared with me yet another glimpse of His plan in my suffering.  Yes, it is extremely painful.  But He PROMISES it will not be in vain!

Hallelujah!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

the torment

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written a post. Actually I can. The last month has been excruciatingly painful and it has taken me a long time to pull myself up.  I'll do my best to fill you in using the least amount of words possible, but I don't make any promises.

On July 18 we saw an infertility specialist... for a total of eight minutes. He basically spit out a plan that he must use on all of his new patients. 

Clomid. Ovidrel. Ultrasounds. Progesterone. 

I told myself God must really want me on Clomid since this was the second time I've been told to take it, but I never committed my decision to prayer. When my new cycle began, I started Clomid and a series of ultrasounds. Everything looked perfect. My hormone levels were good. I had three mature eggs ready to be released. My lining was thick. They gave me the Ovidrel shot. I went in for another ultrasound to ensure the eggs released. They did. I started progesterone suppositories. And for the first time in years, my fourteen days of spotting did not happen. I was in heaven! And I just KNEW I was going to be pregnant. 

Our seventh anniversary was coming up. Seven - the number of completion. I was so humbled and amazed at the Lord's timing.  I felt that surely He would end our years of trying and bring us into the new season of parenthood. The baby would be due in April, which would give me six weeks plus summer vacation off. It was perfect. 

But then the torment began. I have never tried so hard not to think about being pregnant. I think my body woke itself up at night and forced me to think about it, as if I could will it into existence. I had constant headaches and I fell off my paleo bandwagon. I planned how I would tell family/friends that we were finally pregnant and shoved any inkling of a feeling that I might not be pregnant away. In my sick little mind, there just was no possibility that it couldn't happen. I counted each and every one of the thirteen days until the doctor said I could take a home pregnancy test.  

*side note - Our anniversary was Monday, August 13. I couldn't take the pregnancy test until Friday, August 17.  So I told Husband we would celebrate our anniversary on that night instead.

August 17 finally rolled around. 

Big. Fat. Negative. 

Followed by the longest descent into the deepest, darkest hole I've ever experienced. I was so angry. No, I didn't cry or allow myself to grieve and heal.  I immediately took matters into my own hands and that same day saw an OBGYN. 

He heard my history and told me Clomid was an old drug and that Femara was a better choice because it doesn't thin the uterine lining. He said he wouldn't do multiple ultrasounds and bloodwork so that would save us money. He said I shouldn't be worrying about progesterone because my body makes it for a living, when it's pregnant. I haven't been pregnant yet so of course the levels are off. He was so arrogant and pushy but I was determined to make myself pregnant that I soaked up every word he said. I forced my feelings aside and started the Femara.

That same evening we went to dinner with friends. This dinner was scheduled to be a celebratory anniversary dinner full of joy and excitement at the mercy and goodness of our God. But instead I was dragged by Husband to keep me from falling deeper into depression. These dear friends struggled for two years with infertility and were due any day with their miracle baby. They suggested that I see their female infertility specialist who had way better bedside manners.

On the way home that night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have forced every event of the last two months, without praying or seeking the Lord's will, to happen.  I had such a peace with the doctor I saw in Austin, and have not felt anything like it since. I knew the Lord closed that door and assumed I needed to find a doctor here. But I realized the Lord has closed the door to doctors... for now.

I can't handle it mentally.  As soon as I see one, all of my energy, hope, and trust goes into their ability to make me pregnant. I obsess over every appointment, every medication, every ultrasound, every cycle day. It's making me crazy. Literally crazy.

So it is finished. For now. No more doctors. No more charting. No more medications. No more ultrasounds. No more sleepless nights during two week waits. And praise the Lord, no more bills for failed treatment coming in the mail!

No more torment.

He alone opens and closes the womb. And He will open mine... in His beautiful, amazing, perfect, sovereign timing.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

quest for more

"Communion with the Savior is the only thing that makes anything matter." -Katie Davis

I recently read this quote and immediately thought "That's so true!"

But here I am, just a few days later, feeling so lonely, so left out, so desperate.  I'm ready for more.

I don't know very many girls who don't grow up with a dream of getting married, buying a house, having children, and living happily ever after.  I played "house" with my siblings and cousins a million times, not knowing how hard I'd have to fight to actually see that dream become a reality. As little girls, we're just told it will happen.

But it hasn't for me.

So I've pressed in, and drawn near to God. I've asked Him, "Why?" I've expressed my anger. I've repented of my bitterness and idolatry. But I can't seem to shake it...

this feeling that I got the short end of the stick.

I want more!

I've heard so many people say, "You'll never fully understand the depth of God's love until you have your own children."  Or that going through labor and then eventually holding that new life was like experiencing heaven, sheer joy.

So why am I being deprived of knowing my God at a deeper level?  What is He holding out for?   I'm only human, and feel like I can only press in for so long without answers before I simply throw in the towel.

I don't feel like I can take these let-downs any longer. I'm tired of going to baby showers and putting on a fake happy face. I'm tired of acting excited when friends announce their pregnancy. I'm tired of being jealous that others are blessed with the ability to create new life, and "it only took one time."  And I'm tired of hearing I've done nothing wrong. If so, then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

I'm tired of my life being on hold. 

This journey is not only exhausting emotionally and physically. But now financially!  Insurance denies everything!  What else is there to work against me?

God if You don't have children in our future, then what was Your purpose in putting us together, in giving us this desire, and in giving us the hearts of parents?

Was I created to live in this in-between (married, but without children) stage for the rest of my life? 

Your Word says You alone can satisfy.  But I've been pressing in, seeking You, asking to be delivered from this nightmare, but I'm not satisfied.

So where have I missed the mark?  Search my heart oh God and show me what You want from me! 

I'm desperate.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

lifestyle... redefined.

So much has happened the past few weeks I don't even know where to start.  But instead of dropping the bombshell, I'll go back to the beginning.

Six months ago when Husband and I started seeing doctors for my infertility, I was researching every natural alternative fertility treatment on the internet that I could find (I still am).  I looked at herbal supplements, nutrition, muscle testing, vitamins, etc.  Around the same time, a fad of "eating for your blood type" diets were going around. I knew I was O+ and that meant I should be on the Paleo diet. I knew maybe one or two people who were on Paleo. That meant cutting out all dairy, carbs, and sugar, which I absolutely refused to do. I remember thinking, "I get one life, I'm going to live it like I want and eat what I want." 

During my quiet times, I gently felt the Lord convicting me about my eating habits.  This verse repeatedly came to mind.

  "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own..."  

1 Corinthians 6:19  (emphasis mine)

Eating the way I had been left me so tired and lethargic. How can I be of use to the Lord when I'm constantly sleeping! But being the stubborn, must-learn-lessons-the-hard-way child that I am, I pushed these convictions aside.  I had bought a book about eating in moderation but never read it. If I started a "diet," it never lasted more than a day. To be honest, I think my eating got worse.

Fast forward five months... several of my friends had now converted to Paleo and were constantly posting pictures of their meals on Facebook. Meals that actually looked yummy! Meals I wanted to try.

So I started researching Paleo. Within minutes I was appalled at the foods I had been eating. Foods I had been told were healthy.  Foods I lived on. (This website is a great resource.)  These foods were carbohydrates (whole grains included), dairy, and sugar. 

What finally got my attention was that these foods could cause infertility.

Hold up... that meant the cinnamon roll I had for breakfast along with my chai tea could be keeping us from having children!?! What a simple fix!!

If that didn't do it, I also read these foods can cause autoimmune diseases (cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia... some pretty scary diseases).  My mom was diagnosed with MS about five years ago and I know it's genetic. I've seen what it's done to her and I don't want it happening to me.

The day after researching this, I went to see a nutritionist.  I'm praying the Lord will use her to regulate my hormones because I can't stand much more of this craziness! BUT, she asked if I had heard of Paleo and said if I'd be willing to commit to it that the supplements would work so much faster.  She asked if I knew my blood type (O+) and then said it's even more important that I switch.  People who are O+ generally crave carbohydrates and sugar.  After thirty days of not eating them, the cravings go away. 

How nice would that be!?

I already knew the Lord had been leading me this way. And I am SO thankful He never gives up.  I am finally switching to Paleo!! (Better late than never, right?)  And it is a new lifestyle for me, not a diet.  If eating this way glorifies the Lord, prepares my body for a baby, and prevents MS... I'm all for it, for life!

I've also changed my workout routine from solid cardio five times per week, to mostly lifting weights with a little cardio mixed in.  This picture totally sums up my thoughts, both then and now.

I am continually amazed at the love God pours out on His children.  Even when they don't listen, they pout, and they think they know best, but He never gives up.  He truly knows best for each and every one of us. I am so excited for this new journey and can't wait to see what God's got up His sleeves next.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

battlefield

As the usual roller coasters of infertile emotions go, this week has been no different.  Absolutely unpredictable.  Aunt Flo came and left in a whirlwind and instead of my hope being restored, I have found myself battling depression like never before.  With Obamacare being passed, my body still sending me "hostile-to-all-new-life" signals, and my fertility time clock ticking, I have found it nearly impossible to see God's purpose for putting me here. 

I told Husband last night that I can't seem to connect my head knowledge with how my heart is feeling. I know God is good, but I feel forgotten. I know His word says He gives us the desires of our heart, but I feel like I'm being left out.  I keep thinking of children standing in line for their turn to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool.  And the Lifeguard keeps telling me to hang on, while letting others go ahead of me. He keeps praising me for being so patient and tells me not to give up as He gives others two, three, even four turns.... I feel like I will be waiting my turn forever.

I came home from school today with a dull but seemingly never-ending headache.  My plans to work out and make dinner were pushed to the back burner.  I had my pajamas on by 5:30 and was nestled on the couch for my nightly blog surfing and reading. 

I went through my bookmark list, seeing if anything caught my eye.  As my most recent finding, Meet Mrs Smith was last on the list.  (For those of you who know of Delirious, this is Martin Smith's wife's blog.)  The title of her latest post was "Ahoy!" and she had a picture of two women canoeing down their flooded street.  To my surprise, this was actually a post about God's promises and staying faithful when those promises don't seem to be coming to fruition... especially with regards to infertility. This is coming from a woman with six children who, because of how often she writes about it, must have several friends struggling with infertility.

Boy was I in for a good, stern talking to.

After reading "Ahoy," I went over to Thursday's Babies, a blog recommended by Mrs. Smith.  I felt the Lord stir in my heart when I read this paragraph:

"I felt the Holy Spirit drop into my heart that this is a battle. A battle for the next generation of children to rise up and take their place. In Genesis 3:15 God is talking to the serpent who has tempted and deceived Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden into eating of the fruit of the tree that the Lord forbade them to eat from. The Lord says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heal." The enemy is not as keen as God is to see our children born."

This is a battle.  Every month is a battle.  A battle I all too often let satan win.  Month after month I throw in the towel and say I give up.  I whine because I think it's more than I can handle.  I believe the enemy's lies and doubt my faithful God.  I become useless in my Maker's hands. 

However, what my loving and gracious God showed me was that I may lose battle after battle, but my God has WON the war!  Whether I have children or not will not change the fact that I serve a victorious God who is ECSTATIC about creating life inside of me. So ecstatic in fact that He is unwilling to bless us with pregnancy without first growing our faith and trust in Him.  He is making us strong and able soldiers so that we can raise strong and able soldiers for His army. Wow! What an awesome task.

I then decided to continue reading from J.I. Packer's "Knowing God."  I've been slowly working my way through this book, soaking it up after each chapter. I've felt the Lord nudging me to pick it up again lately and (not to my surprise) tonight was the night!  

I had left off on the chapter that explains God's majesty and how we tend to take the fact that He is a personal God to mean that He "is a person of the same sort as we are - weak, inadequate, ineffective, a little pathetic. We think of God as too much like what we are."  How I've fallen into this trap!  How could I ignore the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me and believe I've been abandoned?!  

Packer continues, "God has not abandoned us any more than than He abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom He has set His love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of His sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of His own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior."  

What powerful words!!  I pray the Lord will continue to teach me, correct me, and grow me as I meditate on these words and in His word this week. I love how Packer closed this chapter:

"How slow we are to believe in God as God, sovereign, all-seeing and almighty! How little we make of the majesty of our Lord and Savior Christ! The need for us is to 'wait upon the Lord' in meditations on His majesty, till we find our strength renewed through the writing of these things upon our hearts."

You'd think by now I'd learn that getting angry and pulling away from God is like a spiritual death sentence.  I'm praying I will learn to draw so much closer to Him as each month of unfulfilled desires passes. He is good. He is victorious. He has won this war!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

greatest gift

Husband and I sought further wisdom and council and do not feel one hundred percent confident that acupuncture is the path the Lord wants us on.

I am beyond frustrated.  I had my blood drawn (on vacation, thank you very much) and the lab lost my results.  That's right... lost... as in "cannot be recovered."  The customer service lady said she called Texas, Arizona (where blood was drawn), California, Nevada, and Utah collection labs and no one has results. The lab I went to has record of me being there but nothing after that. 

Perfect. Just perfect.

Now I get to endure another month of agony and unbalanced hormones.

Extreme fatigue. Headaches. Acne. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Hair loss.  

These are not symptoms I'm willing to live with.

So we've decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist... aka infertility specialist.

If the Lord does not have children for me, that's fine (although it kinda has to be fine).  But I can't stand this hormonal imbalance.

But this also means accepting the reality that I am in fact infertile. I hate accepting and owning this label. 

As I'm typing this, the Lord has shown me I teach children who are labeled... with a learning difference.  However, because of their label, their weaknesses are specifically targeted. And as a result, their treatment is successful and their learning difference remediated. Many parents are reluctant to label their child. But I've seen only good things from it. 

A little girl in my class today mentioned she had dyslexia when another teacher corrected her spelling. She looked embarrassed for admitting it. She's new to the school and did not realize everyone at Shelton has some kind of learning difference. The boy sitting next to her chimed in, "I have dyslexia too!" with a smile on his face.  A tiny grin appeared across her face and she went back to work.  She knew she was in the right place.  I often teach my students that their weakness (dyslexia or ADHD) can become their greatest strength and gift if they learn how to cope with it and use it to their advantage.  

Dyslexics are great "big picture" thinkers... Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein were dyslexic. ADHD kids are very detailed oriented and can often hyper-focus... Jerry Pinkney (amazing, watercolor illustrator) has ADHD.

So maybe me accepting my label (not as a punishment, but as a gift from God) is right where God wants me... in an infertility specialist's office, asking for his help and expertise, knowing that God gave him the gift of helping infertiles.  I've always said the Lord alone creates life... and for some reason that has meant I couldn't see a specialist.  I was wrong.  As long as I continue to give God all the glory, He can use a specialist to help us get pregnant. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, 

declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

acupuncture

Yes, I said acupuncture.  We've decided to try it as the next step in trying to conceive.

I feel like God might be closing the doors of seeing medical doctors. He definitely cut the strings from my favorite NaPro doctor in Austin, and I'm beginning to doubt my NaPro doctor here. I feel like he's been taking a shot in the dark trying to regulate my hormones. I don't have an OB/GYN and feel like we wouldn't agree on treatment plans anyway. I'm assuming they'll automatically want to do IUI or in vitro, but husband and I aren't ready to do either (for both personal and financial reasons).

While visiting with a friend one night, she suggested acupuncture and said she knew many friends that conceived because of it...

DISCLAIMER: I wholeheartedly believe when we conceive some day it will be because the Lord's timing was perfect and because He created life. He does not need doctors, level hormones, acupuncture, surgery, or even IUI to make a baby (although He can use any and all of the above). 

... I was skeptical at first, but she encouraged me to pray about it. I went home and prayed the Lord would direct my research and open doors as He saw fit.  Enter Dr. Zhou!  I pulled up the website for Acupuncture and Alternative Medicine of Dallas and noticed she specializes in infertility... especially "unexplained infertility."  Just as the Lord led me to the doctor in Austin with His undeniable peace, I know he will continue to lead us with his peace.

That same day I received confirmations from three other people about acupuncture. I called Dr. Zhou and made an appointment for two weeks from now.  I'm still praying about it and seeking wisdom. But that's where we're at.

“Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”  1 Samuel 1:17

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

no pressure

"Oh I had the same surgery and got pregnant my next cycle!"

This seems to be the phrase I hear from everyone after explaining my recent surgery.  While this response is exciting and encouraging, it also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me to get pregnant next month. And we all know how well stress affects fertility...

On my way to work this morning, I was thinking about this and pleading with the Lord not to let me down. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A surgery to remove aliens and endometriosis does NOT make me pregnant. A doctor, gifted with special skills and knowledge, does NOT make me pregnant. Obsessing over the timing of intercourse or what positions are best does NOT make me pregnant. 

The ALMIGHTY GOD, who gives and who takes away, blesses us with new life and makes me pregnant.  "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"  (Job 1:21)

My prayer over the months to come is that I will not put my hope in a successful surgery or a talented doctor. I am grateful that the Lord can use both of these to heal our bodies. But even if I was fertile myrtle, the Lord alone chooses when we will conceive.

My step-mom once told me God looks at the big picture, where He wants our children to fit in history. 

As a teacher, I've thought about the difference that even one year can make. Each year that I have taught can be summed up in a few words. My classes seem to fit a mold: the hard working class, the funny class, the sensitive class, etc.

So maybe waiting these last two and a half years (and possibly more) puts our children in a generation of God-fearing warriors like Joshua.  Or maybe it puts them in a generation of worshipers, with a heart like David.  Maybe it puts them with a group of Moses's who will be strong leaders.  No matter where they end up, I know the waiting will not have been in vain because He has a bigger plan.

He alone gives life.

Hearing this response will stress me out no more! The enemy meant it for harm, but God meant it for good! (Genesis 50:20)


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

carry me

Music has always been a huge part of my family.  My mom grew up in a family of six… the daddy, the mommy, two boys, and two girls.  Ironically, they were each gifted with a different voice and formed their own chorus.  My grandmother wrote many songs and accompanied them as they performed in churches and nursing homes throughout the state. They even recorded their own record! 

My mom now owns a music school that offers private in-home piano lessons to over two hundred students. My siblings and I were forced to take blessed with the opportunity to take piano lessons from age five until we graduated high school.  My older sister went to Southern Methodist University on a full scholarship for piano at age sixteen. I will never forget falling asleep listening to her practice Rachmaninoff and Prokofiev.

When I was in ninth grade, I started teaching piano for my mom’s school and haven’t stopped since. Not only did it give me an opportunity to grow in my own music skills, but I also learned responsibility, maturity, integrity, and honed my own teaching style.  Although I spent my days after school in a music studio instead of learning how to socialize, I am grateful for the character God built in me and the experience I gained early on.

Living so close to our extended family gave us the chance to see each other often. This was necessary because we performed shows for nursing homes and churches, just as our parents did. All thirteen grandchildren took turns singing songs, playing the piano, and performing skits. We did it so many times I think we could all still perform the whole show today if the occasion was right.

I cannot remember a family gathering that ended without aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends gathered around the piano to sing hymns or Christmas carols.  It was the highlight of the evening!

My sweet grandmother always listened to 101.1 WRR, the classical station on the radio. I used to think it was so old-fashioned, but now I find myself tuning in to that same station and reminiscing.  When the end of her life drew near, all she wanted was her family beside her. The hospital had a two-visitor rule but they made an exception for “the Roberts.” We squeezed thirty people in her tiny room and sang hymns. She went from hearing our voices to hearing the voices of the angels, all singing praises to our Savior!

I recently had an epiphany. I noticed every time I was sad, depressed, lonely, or glum that I sat down and played the piano.  Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, Liszt… whoever the composer, it was always a song in a minor key. It hit me one day while talking to a dear friend. Music expressed what my words and emotions could not. It uttered the deep agony and anguish of my soul in an entirely different language and it was so freeing!  Often times my minor sounding songs turned into hymns of praise.  I mentioned in my last post that God created me without an ability to cry… but I think He replaced it with a talent for music and the ability to worship Him through song.

My next surgery is today at 8:00.  The alien’s time has come to be exterminated! I am much more nervous this time and have tried not to think about it.  I am battling anxiety and fear so much more this time. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why yet, but either way I know it’s not from the Lord.  His word says:

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:5-7

A co-worker reminded my yesterday when I worry I am carrying something I was never meant to carry.  Her words ran through my mind last night and this morning, along with the verse from Philippians. God intends for me to carry peace, and He will carry me.

Husband picked me up from work and had Martin Smith playing in the background.  Martin Smith was the lead singer of Delirious, a band that changed both of our walks with the Lord and is played daily in our home. He is now working solo, but his songs still pierce my heart. In my mind, Mr. Smith is a modern-day David. 

I know I keep posting songs that the Lord has used instrumentally in my life. But here’s one more. The actual song is much longer, but this verse and chorus spoke volumes to me:

You Carry Me (Psalm for the Broken)

Martin Smith

When your heart is all but broken

And the truth cannot be spoken

I will not be shaken.

I will not be shaken.

And you carry me,

You carry me.

You carry me

All the way to the other side.

Lord, my flesh wants to be terrified, anxious, and doubtful.  It encourages me to focus on the negatives and everything that could possibly go wrong. But I take those thoughts captive to obey You! (2 Corinthians 10:5)  You alone are in control and will not let anything happen to me that has not first passed through Your hands. Father, I am trading in my fears and worries for the peace that only comes from You.  Carry me Lord!!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

but i don't fit the mold

Over the past few weeks I’ve found myself struggling to understand why I don’t have any of the symptoms that are typically found in women with the disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.  This includes high testosterone levels, facial hair growth, upper body weight gain, less than nine menstrual cycles per year, and prolonged, heavy menstrual cycles.  In fact, I have the opposite of all of these.  I’ve shared with Husband after each appointment that diagnosed yet another disorder, “I don’t fit the mold!"

So why… why me? Why was I given colossal size, baby-birthing hips, the strongest desire to have a house overflowing with children, a husband with a father’s heart (that I fell in love with the MOMENT I saw him), and a mile long list of diagnoses confirming infertility? 

I pondered this question in my heart for days.  The Lord finally took my hand and answered, “When have I ever chosen someone that fit the mold?  And who’s mold are you referring to any way, dear child?”  He led me to scripture after scripture after scripture, through Old and New Testaments, showing me others He chose who did not fit the mold. 

After showing Abraham the numerous stars in the night sky, the Lord promised him he would be the father of many nations… “Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Genesis 15:5, 17:17)

In a burning bush, the Lord told Moses to free the Israelites from Pharaoh’s hand and lead them to the Promised Land. Moses replied, “Who am I that I should go…oh my Lord, I am not eloquent… I am slow of speech and tongue.” (Exodus 3:11, 4:10)

Through the prophet Samuel, God anointed a shepherd boy to be the king of Israel. This angered king Saul and he sought to kill David, who never asked to be king. In confidence to his friend Jonathan, David poured out his heart, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?” (1 Samuel 16:11, 20:1)

The angel Gabriel told Mary that she would conceive the Son of the Most High, even though she was not yet married. In fear she replied, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34)

In a vision to the disciple Ananias, the Lord said, “ ‘Rise and…look for a man of Tarsus named Saul’… But Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem’… But the Lord said to [Ananias], ‘Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.’ ” (Acts 9:11-16)

I have engraved on my left wrist “His ways are higher.”  I will never understand, this side of heaven, why God does what He does and why He calls who He calls.  But what I have learned is “the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)  The world’s mold and the Lord’s mold are completely opposite.

Just as Abraham thought there was no possibility Sarah could conceive in her old age, I also feel I am too old to have a house FULL of children.  If you had asked ten years ago when I met my husband what our life would look like ten years later, I would have said we’d have five kids by now and be nowhere near finished. But I know my God has different plans.

Just as Moses felt inadequate, I sometimes feel too weak to carry on and too inexperienced to decide what road to follow next. But I know my God will impart strength and wisdom.

Just as David never asked to be king, I never asked to be infertile. But I know my God will use this opportunity not only for growth but also to knit my heart closer to His own.

Just as Mary saw no physical possibility to conceive, I feel like the alien who is unwilling to leave, and who desires to procreate, has overtaken my poor uterus and left no physical room for a baby to grow.  But I know my God is the Healer and Giver of life.

Just as Paul, who murdered Christians, was called to preach the gospel, so will I, who have been bitter and jealous of my own friends who have conceived before me, be able to share and encourage others on this journey.

I am beyond thankful the Lord can see past my weak and selfish flesh, into my heart that longs to be His servant. I’m thankful I too, don’t fit the mold.

So I head into surgery tomorrow completely at peace, knowing I am in the Lord’s hands.  No matter what happens He is good, He is sovereign, and He loves me so incredibly much! 

And to the alien I say, “your days are numbered!”

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

i'm not bipolar, i'm battling infertility

Aunt Flo came to visit on Thursday.  The week before her visit was atypical.  I did not experience the usual symptoms I normally feel in anticipation of her coming.  I had taken a step in becoming content with where I am in life right now.  I was experiencing sweet fellowship with Jesus and was so comforted by His wooing.  In an earlier conversation with my friend on the phone, I told her I was amazed by the peace I was feeling and the burden that had been lifted.  I was a new person.

Aunt Flo’s actual visit was atypical as well… but I’ll spare you the details.

Suddenly she was gone.  I walked into church on Saturday night, ready to sing songs of beautiful worship to my God.  On the way in I saw this:

THEN the switch flipped.  I was angry. I was bitter. I felt hopeless. And I desperately wanted to give up.  These feelings normally come the day Aunt Flo arrives… when I realize yet another month has gone by with an empty womb.  By the end of her visit, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not pregnant but I’m eager to see what the next month will bring.  I found it odd that these feelings came so late.

I hate this struggle.  I told Husband of all the struggles in the world this is the worst.  The emotional swings are killing me. They’re unpredictable and unfair.  I can feel them creeping in and I try with all my might to build a dam, to keep them away forever. But no matter how hard I try, the feelings come like a tsunami and in the blink of an eye I’m drowning.

I hate drowning. I feel so helpless, alone, and weak. But it’s here, in this moment that my sweet Savior comes to my rescue.  He does not always promise to take me immediately to shore, but I’m promised I won’t be alone.  He surrounds me. He upholds me. He wipes my tears. He listens to me yell and scream and kick and fight. And He silently says, “I know, I know how much this hurts.  Give it to me again.  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

(Matthew 11:28-30)

And just like that the waters are calmed.  Although I’m still not on the shore of motherhood, I’m standing out in the middle of the ocean on the solid ground that is my God.  Waves will continue to come, with every visit from Aunt Flo.  Tiny things, like seeing a sign for parents of infants, will threaten to knock me down, back into the sea of hopelessness. But one thing I know without a shadow of doubt is that my God will pick me back up.  I view this experience and see myself as a bipolar, unstable female. He looks at this as an opportunity to answer prayers I’ve prayed since junior high… that He would grow me and make me a vessel fit for His use, whatever that may be.

Lord, I’m humbled that You can use these unpredictable, bipolar emotions to strengthen my faith and draw me even closer to Your heart.  God, it’s no secret that I want a baby. But if having a baby right now would threaten my relationship with You, then I choose You.  You alone are the joy that floods my soul!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

please hold...

I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.

Just when I thought I’d turned a corner... I finally had a diagnosis, a surgery date scheduled, and a confirmation for the direction we had decided to go.

My doctor called at 7:30pm last night and said he wanted to hold off on surgery.  He seemed concerned about the alien and the potential ruckus he might cause if a blessing were to grow. After mentioning that he had spoken of my case with several of his colleagues, he proceeded to tell me about a new technique called uterine fibroid embolization… aka Operation Destroy the Alien.  This procedure is minimally invasive and would basically starve the alien of his life supply, therefore causing him to shrink (hooray!).  My doctor wanted to do some more research and continue discussing this before we “rushed into surgery.”

I am beyond thankful that my doctor is not willing to “rush” into anything and that he is looking for alternative options… and at 7:30pm nonetheless!  However, this also means I have to wait.

Waiting.

I hate the word. No, I loathe the word. I've waited for two years, Lord. How is this not long enough? And now You're telling me to wait indefinitely?

In my selfish flesh, I like control and having immediate answers to all my problems.  But in my spirit, I know this is the Lord’s gentle nudge, calling me back to Him, promising nothing short of perfection.

“Count it all joy my, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  James 1:2-4

So what am I waiting for?

·       a womb free of extraterrestrials – ready to cultivate life

·       God’s timing – which is always perfect

“If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” 

Habakkuk 2:3

·       my doctor to find the best possible route for us to take (and in the meantime I am not idly sitting by… I have called upon my prayer warriors to cover him in wisdom and discernment)

·       further sanctification and redemption of my weak flesh so that I might look more like my Savior

What is there for me to hate about these wonderful blessings?  Oh how grateful I am to serve a God who is unwilling to let me wallow in my own self pity.

So I stand firm in my conviction. And YES LORD!  I will wait!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

a confirmation... times five

I was at a crossroads. My doctor said I could either take Clomid or have wedge resection surgery on my ovary.  Both would have the same effect… ovulation.  It was completely up to me.

Me.

An emotional, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, impatient, little girl who knew nothing about either one.

I left the doctor’s office with a date for surgery scheduled, knowing I could cancel the appointment if I chose the other route. 

I began the long drive home and my mind was filled with fears, concerns, and disbelief.  I knew I could not make this decision on my own.

Enter:  God.

God… the One who fearfully and wonderfully made me.  psalm 139:14

God… the One who promises to fulfill my heart’s desire.  psalm 20:4

God… the One who gives strength to the brokenhearted and binds up my wounds.  psalm 147:3

God… the One who heals all my diseases.  psalm 103:3

God.

I realized I don’t have to make this decision on my own.  He will show me the way with His confirming voice.  (isaiah 30:21)

So I began to seek the counsel of many as His Word instructs me to do. They asked if I had made a list of pros and cons, but even that scared me because I was already leaning one direction in my heart and knew it would be biased.  But I made the list anyway, knowing it was at least a place to start.

Clomid – pros

·       inexpensive

·       not invasive

·       worked for my mom, six times

·       would probably regulate my cycles

Clomid – cons

·       synthetic hormone

·       side effects:  moodiness, hot flashes

·       if it doesn’t work in three months it probably won't work at all

·       puts a “band aid” on the real issue

·       only 30% effective

surgery – pros

·       doctor can see everything we’re working with

·       doctor can perform other procedures at same time (D&C, remove small alien friends, look for endometriosis, get closer look at the alien)

·       laparoscopic  (which means quick recovery)

·       addresses the real issue, and is a more permanent fix

·       66% effective

surgery – cons

·       invasive

·       chance of pelvic adhesions (scar tissue)

Okay so now what?  I still didn’t have a clear answer as to which route to take. It seemed the first few people I called thought Clomid was the better route, their main argument being that it worked for my mom. But so what if it worked for my mom, six times… I am not my mom, and our reproductive systems are totally different.  I just had no peace. Even thinking about it upset my stomach. And I knew the one thing God has been so faithful and consistent to give me through this whole journey is His peace.

So I talked with my mother-in-law and she reassured me that He will confirm… keep researching! I found a website that explained NaPro Technology and their approach to surgery.  This approach was developed by Dr. Hilgers.  He found a way to perform surgery using different techniques that would prevent scar tissue.  He is most concerned with preserving a woman’s fertility and the body’s amazing ability to carry life.  Dr. Hilgers is interested in curing the reproductive system and not in controlling fertility. He never tries to play God.  The doctor I’ve been seeing in Austin completed his four years of Fellowship under Dr. Hilgers.  He would know and be well trained in these techniques. (confirmation #1)

I feel like many OB/GYN’s are only interested in the end result: a baby.  They seem content with rushing into in vitro or hysterectomies without ruling out all other options first. I know that God alone opens and closes the womb. In the meantime, I want to do what I can to make sure my plumbing is working properly and that the alien is watched closely... he may come in peace, but he may not take over!

I continued clicking on links, excited about research for the first time in my life.  I found a random website from Google called WorldWide Health that had an article about ovarian wedge resection.  As I started reading, I felt like this was going to be one more article about Clomid. But as I read closer, I noticed it discussed the negatives about it. “Clomid has been linked by some to a risk for miscarriage or birth defects, and while it often causes ovulation, it does not always cause pregnancy. Clomid is anti-estrogenic, therefore, it tends to "dry up" the cervical mucus.”  I was hooked. (confirmation #2) 

I kept reading.

It mentioned that surgery was the “tried and true method” for curing polycystic ovaries until Clomid was introduced. The reason why it fell out of favor was because of scar tissue building up after surgery. But I had just read about NaPro Technology, the surgical technique my doctor was trained in that reduced, even eliminated, scar tissue.  (confirmation #3)

I kept reading.

In a study, 134 patients had this surgery from a NaPro trained surgeon.

121 became pregnant… that’s right 90%! 

5 (count them… on one hand… five!) had pelvic adhesions.  This is not a percentage… it’s actual women.

I jumped for joy at these statistics and told my husband I was sold. This was my answer. (confirmation #4)

Moments later I received this text from my mother-in-law. “Research. Pray. Something will jump out and make you excited and shout yes!!! Go with that. God hasn’t brought you this far to go silent.”

WOW! (confirmation #5)

That’s the God I serve! I was humbled and awed that the God who created this universe cares enough about me to confirm His will in so many ways. 

Psalm 34 has been on my heart and mind ever since… “oh taste and see that the LORD is good!”

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane