quest for more

"Communion with the Savior is the only thing that makes anything matter." -Katie Davis

I recently read this quote and immediately thought "That's so true!"

But here I am, just a few days later, feeling so lonely, so left out, so desperate.  I'm ready for more.

I don't know very many girls who don't grow up with a dream of getting married, buying a house, having children, and living happily ever after.  I played "house" with my siblings and cousins a million times, not knowing how hard I'd have to fight to actually see that dream become a reality. As little girls, we're just told it will happen.

But it hasn't for me.

So I've pressed in, and drawn near to God. I've asked Him, "Why?" I've expressed my anger. I've repented of my bitterness and idolatry. But I can't seem to shake it...

this feeling that I got the short end of the stick.

I want more!

I've heard so many people say, "You'll never fully understand the depth of God's love until you have your own children."  Or that going through labor and then eventually holding that new life was like experiencing heaven, sheer joy.

So why am I being deprived of knowing my God at a deeper level?  What is He holding out for?   I'm only human, and feel like I can only press in for so long without answers before I simply throw in the towel.

I don't feel like I can take these let-downs any longer. I'm tired of going to baby showers and putting on a fake happy face. I'm tired of acting excited when friends announce their pregnancy. I'm tired of being jealous that others are blessed with the ability to create new life, and "it only took one time."  And I'm tired of hearing I've done nothing wrong. If so, then why do I feel like I'm being punished?

I'm tired of my life being on hold. 

This journey is not only exhausting emotionally and physically. But now financially!  Insurance denies everything!  What else is there to work against me?

God if You don't have children in our future, then what was Your purpose in putting us together, in giving us this desire, and in giving us the hearts of parents?

Was I created to live in this in-between (married, but without children) stage for the rest of my life? 

Your Word says You alone can satisfy.  But I've been pressing in, seeking You, asking to be delivered from this nightmare, but I'm not satisfied.

So where have I missed the mark?  Search my heart oh God and show me what You want from me! 

I'm desperate.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

sarah jane uncensored

For the sake of keeping a record of this journey, I’m letting you in on a conversation between God and me today. It is definitely one-sided. It is raw. It is not beautiful. Some of the words I speak are not truth and I know that. But the emotion is so real.

Me:  God this isn’t fair. How can you make a world where not just humans, but every living thing (animals, plants, bacteria for Heaven’s sake!) can procreate, and then put me in it and ask me to walk the road of infertility.  It seems cruel!! You created me with a purpose to procreate and have ripped it from me!  You have asked me to watch friend after friend, family member after family member get pregnant while I am forced to sit and watch, completely out of control. 

Me:  God, not only am I asked to walk this road (even though it was nothing I did or did not do that caused it), but now my friends and family members treat me differently.  It’s as if I’m “too delicate” to be told the truth anymore.  Conversations are fake and emotions are hidden.  Instead of being told by my pregnant friends that they’re sick all the time or by my mommy friends that they have difficult days… I’m told everything is fine! But I can see through their eyes it’s not the truth.

Me:  God, I have prayed numerous times that You would take this desire from my heart if it is outside of Your will.  Yet the desire grows stronger.  Is it so that I can hurt even more?  So that the pain can be greater?  How can You be so glorified by my pain!?!?

Me: God I thank You for listening to my heart and not being angry when I am honest.  I thank You for being big enough and strong enough to handle my raw emotions.  I thank You for Your word, how even though it was written thousands of years ago it can still apply to me today.  I thank You for this verse and for giving me a new understanding of it today.  And I thank You, oh I thank You that Your mercies are new every morning and that tomorrow is a new day!

“Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

Lord, let me get lost in You!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane