epiphany

Husband and I had dinner last night with some friends that were instrumental in our reconnecting and eventually marrying. Which got me thinking about how it all happened.

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I went to the homeschool prom my senior year, even though I attended a private school. A good friend, who is more like a brother to me, asked me to go with him and I knew it would be more fun than going solo to my own high school's prom. 

A friend of mine from school, Audrey, was also invited to the homeschool prom and I found out she was going with Kenny, whom I knew from church but had not seen in a few years. We decided it would be fun to meet up and hang out after prom.  We snuck into a movie theater to see Spiderman and then went to IHOP.

When our evening was done, the guys dropped Audrey and I off at my house for a sleepover.  Before leaving, Kenny handed Audrey an invitation to his graduation.  I said goodbye, and my heart silently said "forever."  It had been fluttering all night but there was no mention of hanging out again and I couldn't tell if he had any interest in me at all.  I clung to the name card that read "Kenneth Graham Wright" all night long and prayed God heard my heart.

A week later, Kenny called and my heart skipped a thousand beats!  He asked if I wanted to see a movie with him and some friends, aka first date.  A week after that we went to a graduation party for a mutual friend, aka second date.  Kenny drove me home that night, turned his car off in front of my house, looked at me and asked the Question that started it all. "Where do you want this relationship to go?"

My heart stopped. We were in a relationship?!?  I mean, I'm a girl and of course had already imagined us rocking our grandchildren on the front porch of our home, built by Kenny, someday. I didn't think guys moved that fast! But as I've said before, I instantly fell in love with his father's heart and knew I wanted to be his bride. We both poured out our hearts that night and agreed we were in this for marriage.

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I was replaying these events in my mind last night on the drive home after dinner.  I asked Husband what made him ask the Question on that special night almost ten years ago. Being a man of few words, his answer was simple. "Because I knew what I wanted... a wife and children."  I smiled and teased that he had previously mentioned wishing he had been a pilot in the military when he was younger. But he reaffirmed that that desire was only if he knew having a family was out of the question.

I wonder if God purposely kept me from discussing this with Husband until now because of the impact it would have on me.  

My Epiphany: God put a desire in both of our hearts at a young age to marry and have a family. After two dates, we both knew we wanted to start that family with each other.  We both fell in love with the parental instincts we saw in each other. So although I do not know what it will look like, I KNOW that God will give us the desires of our hearts and bless us with children someday.  

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, 

it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."

Matthew 18:19

The surgeries are over and my uterus is free of the alien and all other structural abnormalities that were previously hindering me from conceiving. I am approaching a season of true waiting on the Lord.  Up until now, I blamed my infertility on physical obstructions. But the Lord has brought healing in that area and we are anxiously anticipating that same Hand to bring new life... in His perfect timing.  I am clinging to this verse now more than ever, knowing Husband and I have been in complete agreement from the very beginning.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

temper tantrum complete

I’ll admit it. I’ve been MIA the last two weeks because I’ve been throwing a temper tantrum.

I’ve been angry… extremely, unapologetically, utterly angry. 

I have refused to open my Bible and allow the Lord to speak to me and soften my heart.

I have stomped my feet, hardened my heart, and desperately tried to fill the void in my heart with everything ANYTHING but more of God.

Recovery from my laparotomy has been a nightmare, and that is truly an understatement. I’ve made a trip to the ER, seen an OB/GYN here in Dallas three times (and counting), had my incision packed from the inside, had incision re-opened and packed from the outside, AND had a visit from Aunt Flo all in the last month.

BUT, even through all my temper tantrum throwing, the Lord has been undeniably gracious, and I’m sure I’ve only seen the tip of His iceberg of grace.

I met a dear friend for dinner tonight to discuss Romans. We have been studying Romans since August, trying to meet every other week but not always being able to.  She asked me how recovery was going, and then as if on cue, she asked how things were going spiritually. And I laid it all out on the table. (She probably wished she had not asked!)

I threw argument after argument, false accusation after false accusation, lie after lie at her and each time she answered calmly, strongly, and assuredly with truth straight from Scripture. She was always ready with an answer to which I would have no rebuttal.  And yes, God took it even a step further and showed me every one of the verses she quoted in the very scriptures we were meeting to discuss.

I told her I was so tired and weary of fighting this battle, wondering why God is giving me more than I can handle. She reminded me I can’t handle it, but He can! (Romans 8:26)

When I explained my frustration and confusion about “His best” consisting of kids for my sister but not for me, she replied “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)  I’ve heard that verse a thousand times and confess I rolled my eyes when she read it. “Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve heard that one before, but this sure doesn’t seem like my good,” I thought.

What amazed me is that she didn’t stop there. She patiently continued, “For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son… and those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.”  (Romans 8:29-30)  My ultimate good is spending eternity in glory with Him forever! My ultimate good is getting more of Him. My ultimate good is His molding, shaping, and creating me to be more like Him.  And my desire for children, although a genuine, God-given desire, has been elevated to a level of idolatry.

She continued, if “He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)  He is NOT withholding any good from me. Period. The end.

She gave me an analogy of God having the owner’s manual for my life, trying to keep me on track so that I will work properly, smoothly, and to my fullest potential. What I am trying to do is find a loophole, an argument that will leave Him speechless.

We laughed, who am I to try and outsmart the God of the infinite universe!? My efforts will always prove to be futile. The clay cannot say to the potter “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20).

I was floored. He’s heard my heart, He’s seen my anger, He’s watched me pout, and yet He loves me still.  Verse by verse He softened my heart and broke the wall I have built to try and shield myself from the giver of life, thinking He was enjoying my pain.

Before I left for the night, my friend encouraged me to read through my blog to see His faithfulness in my life these past few months. She remembered I had recently been in a place of contentment, peace, and trust. This is one more stone to place on my altar… so my children will know “the hand of the Lord is mighty.”

Okay God, I give up. I am so sorry for questioning Your goodness, for not trusting in You, and for thinking I knew better. I am sorry for putting my desire for children before You. Help me to see that You are all I need. Hold me in Your lap and comfort me as I continue to heal from surgery. Thank you for using my sweet friend Amanda to speak so directly to me tonight. May this be another stone on my altar of remembrance!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

sarah jane uncensored

For the sake of keeping a record of this journey, I’m letting you in on a conversation between God and me today. It is definitely one-sided. It is raw. It is not beautiful. Some of the words I speak are not truth and I know that. But the emotion is so real.

Me:  God this isn’t fair. How can you make a world where not just humans, but every living thing (animals, plants, bacteria for Heaven’s sake!) can procreate, and then put me in it and ask me to walk the road of infertility.  It seems cruel!! You created me with a purpose to procreate and have ripped it from me!  You have asked me to watch friend after friend, family member after family member get pregnant while I am forced to sit and watch, completely out of control. 

Me:  God, not only am I asked to walk this road (even though it was nothing I did or did not do that caused it), but now my friends and family members treat me differently.  It’s as if I’m “too delicate” to be told the truth anymore.  Conversations are fake and emotions are hidden.  Instead of being told by my pregnant friends that they’re sick all the time or by my mommy friends that they have difficult days… I’m told everything is fine! But I can see through their eyes it’s not the truth.

Me:  God, I have prayed numerous times that You would take this desire from my heart if it is outside of Your will.  Yet the desire grows stronger.  Is it so that I can hurt even more?  So that the pain can be greater?  How can You be so glorified by my pain!?!?

Me: God I thank You for listening to my heart and not being angry when I am honest.  I thank You for being big enough and strong enough to handle my raw emotions.  I thank You for Your word, how even though it was written thousands of years ago it can still apply to me today.  I thank You for this verse and for giving me a new understanding of it today.  And I thank You, oh I thank You that Your mercies are new every morning and that tomorrow is a new day!

“Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

Lord, let me get lost in You!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

no pressure

"Oh I had the same surgery and got pregnant my next cycle!"

This seems to be the phrase I hear from everyone after explaining my recent surgery.  While this response is exciting and encouraging, it also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me to get pregnant next month. And we all know how well stress affects fertility...

On my way to work this morning, I was thinking about this and pleading with the Lord not to let me down. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

A surgery to remove aliens and endometriosis does NOT make me pregnant. A doctor, gifted with special skills and knowledge, does NOT make me pregnant. Obsessing over the timing of intercourse or what positions are best does NOT make me pregnant. 

The ALMIGHTY GOD, who gives and who takes away, blesses us with new life and makes me pregnant.  "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"  (Job 1:21)

My prayer over the months to come is that I will not put my hope in a successful surgery or a talented doctor. I am grateful that the Lord can use both of these to heal our bodies. But even if I was fertile myrtle, the Lord alone chooses when we will conceive.

My step-mom once told me God looks at the big picture, where He wants our children to fit in history. 

As a teacher, I've thought about the difference that even one year can make. Each year that I have taught can be summed up in a few words. My classes seem to fit a mold: the hard working class, the funny class, the sensitive class, etc.

So maybe waiting these last two and a half years (and possibly more) puts our children in a generation of God-fearing warriors like Joshua.  Or maybe it puts them in a generation of worshipers, with a heart like David.  Maybe it puts them with a group of Moses's who will be strong leaders.  No matter where they end up, I know the waiting will not have been in vain because He has a bigger plan.

He alone gives life.

Hearing this response will stress me out no more! The enemy meant it for harm, but God meant it for good! (Genesis 50:20)


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

my tongue

I think I spoke too soon. 

I’ve written two posts about how I never cry. 

I’ve cried three times today.

THREE…

Over something so small and insignificant you’ll think I’ve gone crazy.  Maybe I have.

We had professional family pictures taken this morning.  I am ten days post-surgery (aka I’m sporting the “swelly belly,” Aunt Flo is in town (which adds cramping to my already abused uterus), the humidity was 89% and my hair 100% frizz, and I’m fighting with all my might not to catch the stomach bug that’s going around.  I confess I was not in a pleasant mood.

After pictures, we all decided to have brunch at a restaurant nearby.  My younger sister decided to ride with Husband and me.  It has been my heart’s desire to set a good example for our younger siblings (both mine and hubby’s) since we got married.  I have prayed we would keep our priorities aligned, our love unconditional, and our actions pure.

Unfortunately, several people have told us through the years that we argue like an old married couple, and our words toward one another can often be harsh and degrading.  I don’t know when we became so immune to one another’s words, when we learned to let it roll off our backs instead of changing how we communicate.

I was the last one in the car, moving slowly and cautiously. I got settled in my seat and then realized I would have to engage stomach muscles to lean forward and shut the door. Not willing to experience the momentary discomfort, I said to Husband (in a not so friendly tone) “ugh, when will you learn to shut my door!”  My sister jumped out to shut it and we were on our way.

We planned to follow my dad but his driving and last minute lane changes were not conducive to our plans.  So it’s no surprise we got separated. I pulled out my phone to re-route and started demanding directions to Husband (again in a not so friendly tone). “Turn left, turn right. UGH! Turn around. You’re in the wrong lane, get over. You’re going the wrong way.”

Finally we arrived and I told my sister to go on inside while I changed from my unforgiving jeans to my heavenly sweat pants!  In our few moments alone, Husband gently pointed out my ugly tones and demands and reminded me it wasn’t a very good example. I jumped to the defense and said I wasn’t feeling well and that my sister probably understood. We went inside and joined the family.

I started feeling sick and decided not to eat and didn’t want to enter into conversations. I blamed this on Aunt Flo’s visit and counted the minutes until we could leave.

On the silent ride home, the Holy Spirit pierced my heart and convicted me of my hurtful words.  I was wrong. I was so wrong. And the fact that I tried to make an excuse made it worse. This was the perfect time to speak lovingly toward my husband and set the example I had prayed we would, and I blew it!  Tears rolled down my face as I sent a text to my sister apologizing for my actions. She forgave me and I tried to move on.

But I still had a pit in my stomach.  How could I have been so selfish, so unthoughtful, so harsh?  I apologized to Husband as the tears flowed faster and faster.

I didn’t receive the response I wanted so I tried to divert my attention to phone calls. But when no one answered, I was left to my own thoughts again.  I have nagged Husband about this, pointed the finger, and blamed him countless times for the way we communicate.  Oh how big the log in my own eyes must be! (Matthew 7:5)

The tears didn’t come slowly this time, they poured!  Poor Husband was probably in shock by this point but he finally responded to my third apology by explaining why it hurt him so much.

There are countless verses in the Bible about taming the tongue.  Proverbs 18:21 says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  James 3:6 reminds me “the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”

Oh God may I learn the importance of taming my tongue and learning to speak in gentle, loving tones, even on days when everything is going wrong.  Lord may I learn this discipline well before you bless us with children whose ears are always hearing and eyes always watching.  Thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, and for the Holy Spirit who so gently comes to convict and never condemn.  Lord I know praying this prayer means You will give me ample opportunities to practice, and I know I will fail. But I pray each time I get back up that I will be stronger and have a more keen sense of when to hold my tongue. I know with Your strength I can overcome this bad habit. Amen.

humbled by his faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

carry me

Music has always been a huge part of my family.  My mom grew up in a family of six… the daddy, the mommy, two boys, and two girls.  Ironically, they were each gifted with a different voice and formed their own chorus.  My grandmother wrote many songs and accompanied them as they performed in churches and nursing homes throughout the state. They even recorded their own record! 

My mom now owns a music school that offers private in-home piano lessons to over two hundred students. My siblings and I were forced to take blessed with the opportunity to take piano lessons from age five until we graduated high school.  My older sister went to Southern Methodist University on a full scholarship for piano at age sixteen. I will never forget falling asleep listening to her practice Rachmaninoff and Prokofiev.

When I was in ninth grade, I started teaching piano for my mom’s school and haven’t stopped since. Not only did it give me an opportunity to grow in my own music skills, but I also learned responsibility, maturity, integrity, and honed my own teaching style.  Although I spent my days after school in a music studio instead of learning how to socialize, I am grateful for the character God built in me and the experience I gained early on.

Living so close to our extended family gave us the chance to see each other often. This was necessary because we performed shows for nursing homes and churches, just as our parents did. All thirteen grandchildren took turns singing songs, playing the piano, and performing skits. We did it so many times I think we could all still perform the whole show today if the occasion was right.

I cannot remember a family gathering that ended without aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends gathered around the piano to sing hymns or Christmas carols.  It was the highlight of the evening!

My sweet grandmother always listened to 101.1 WRR, the classical station on the radio. I used to think it was so old-fashioned, but now I find myself tuning in to that same station and reminiscing.  When the end of her life drew near, all she wanted was her family beside her. The hospital had a two-visitor rule but they made an exception for “the Roberts.” We squeezed thirty people in her tiny room and sang hymns. She went from hearing our voices to hearing the voices of the angels, all singing praises to our Savior!

I recently had an epiphany. I noticed every time I was sad, depressed, lonely, or glum that I sat down and played the piano.  Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, Liszt… whoever the composer, it was always a song in a minor key. It hit me one day while talking to a dear friend. Music expressed what my words and emotions could not. It uttered the deep agony and anguish of my soul in an entirely different language and it was so freeing!  Often times my minor sounding songs turned into hymns of praise.  I mentioned in my last post that God created me without an ability to cry… but I think He replaced it with a talent for music and the ability to worship Him through song.

My next surgery is today at 8:00.  The alien’s time has come to be exterminated! I am much more nervous this time and have tried not to think about it.  I am battling anxiety and fear so much more this time. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why yet, but either way I know it’s not from the Lord.  His word says:

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:5-7

A co-worker reminded my yesterday when I worry I am carrying something I was never meant to carry.  Her words ran through my mind last night and this morning, along with the verse from Philippians. God intends for me to carry peace, and He will carry me.

Husband picked me up from work and had Martin Smith playing in the background.  Martin Smith was the lead singer of Delirious, a band that changed both of our walks with the Lord and is played daily in our home. He is now working solo, but his songs still pierce my heart. In my mind, Mr. Smith is a modern-day David. 

I know I keep posting songs that the Lord has used instrumentally in my life. But here’s one more. The actual song is much longer, but this verse and chorus spoke volumes to me:

You Carry Me (Psalm for the Broken)

Martin Smith

When your heart is all but broken

And the truth cannot be spoken

I will not be shaken.

I will not be shaken.

And you carry me,

You carry me.

You carry me

All the way to the other side.

Lord, my flesh wants to be terrified, anxious, and doubtful.  It encourages me to focus on the negatives and everything that could possibly go wrong. But I take those thoughts captive to obey You! (2 Corinthians 10:5)  You alone are in control and will not let anything happen to me that has not first passed through Your hands. Father, I am trading in my fears and worries for the peace that only comes from You.  Carry me Lord!!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

i choose joy

My older sister called today and announced she was pregnant… with her fourth baby.  I immediately responded with excitement and pictured her adorable future baby bump and started imagining what her life would be like with a family of four.  I have dreamed and dreamed, prayed and prayed these past two years that God would allow us to be pregnant at the same time. Maybe this will be it!  We are close not only in age, but we are kindred spirits as well. She is my best friend! I long for our children to be best buddies and not just acquaintances, because their age difference is so great.

But as soon as I hung up the phone, bitterness and jealousy stuck it’s ugly head through my heart and made me question my happiness for her.  Oh how my heart writhed with anger!

I knew this could go further downhill, snowballing and avalanching until I would be so hopelessly depressed I’d never come out of it. 

After a few texts were sent, my mentors came to the rescue!!

I asked how I could be such a horrible person to not be genuinely happy when the miracle of life was just created!  They both replied, “Because you are human!” 

That helped a little. But my heart was still throwing its tantrum and I became crippled. I had just pulled into the driveway and literally could not get of my car. I sat there for an hour not wanting to take another step forward. I had made up my mind to give up.

And then my mother-in-law texted, “Cry. Scream. And then allow the Lord to change your heart.”

Silence.  God pierced my heart and it too gave up. 

Many people have told me God is not offended by our honesty, even when it’s an expression of anger.  He can handle it.  But even as emotionally unstable as I feel, I find it nearly impossible to cry.  And I love crying!  It’s so humbling and freeing. I may be sad, but rarely to the point of tears. Instead, I tend to shut down.  But I followed the advice and straight up told the Lord I was angry, jealous, and bitter.  The chains were broke and I stepped out of my car.

I decided to go for a stress-relieving run.  I always listen to the Old Testament songs from Music Inspired by the Story when I run. There’s just something so energizing in listening to stories from the Bible… stories that portray God’s strength, sovereignty, love, power, and grace. Ahhhhhhhhh!

But today my iPod shuffled and went to a New Testament song… Jesus’s song.  As I listened to these lyrics, I felt the Lord put His enveloping arms around me and squeeze me tighter than He ever has before. Oh how He knows my pain and exactly when and how to reach me.   

Here are some of the lyrics:

Tell me your story, show me your wounds,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you.

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you.

I see what I made in your mother’s womb,

I see the day I fell in love with you,

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance,

I see My Father’s fingerprints.

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page.

You see the struggle, you see the shame,

I see the reason I came.

I have probably said this before, but I’ll say it a thousand times… I am beyond grateful that this pain in my life can be used for His glory!  I am humbled that He chooses, each and every day, to put His fingerprints on me.  I am encouraged that He alone can put back together the millions of broken pieces that I am.

Today the enemy jumped at an opportunity to destroy my faith with my sweet sister’s phone call.  And he may have won momentarily. But I know who ultimately holds the victory… and that is my beautiful Savior!  And it is because of His unending grace and love that I choose joy.  I REFUSE to allow anger, bitterness, and jealousy take root.  Instead, I am planting patience, peace, faithfulness, and joy! 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 

kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Galatians 5:22

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane