i'm stepping up my game

It's amazing to me how quickly the enemy steps up his game when we recognize our mistakes and renew our vows to pursue Christ and His will for us.  It's immediate and I'm learning should even be expected.

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Not even a week had passed after writing out my motto and I had fallen prey to the enemy's schemes. I spiraled downward so quickly I don't think I new which way was up.  And surprisingly, Aunt Flo was NOT the instigator this time.  This time it was my own selfish pride.

1.  spend time in the word daily -  I periodically picked up my study on Jonah and had signed up for the Shiloh infertility Bible study.  I made all kinds of commitments and promises but never actually did the work. Sure, I prayed. I listened to worship music. I may have even quoted a few Bible verses I had previously memorized.  But I was not spending time in the Scripture daily... meditating on it, praying it, seeking the Lord's will for how to apply it to my life. My whole life I've known how to act like a good Christian girl. But the Lord calls us to a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  I've thought recently about how I long for Husband's texts and phone calls.  I rearrange my schedule so I can spend MORE time with him. My heart skips a beat when he walks in the door and doesn't beat quite as fast when he's not around.  What would my life look like if I had the same feelings toward the God who rescued me from eternal damnation and adopted me as His daughter?  I bet it would be mighty different. Unrecognizable even.

2. let Kenny lead - aka... submit to Husband.  Hand in hand with not having quiet times is my desire to spend money.  The further I get from God, the more I fill my void with worthless materialistic things that I've convinced myself I need.  In September, Husband bought (gave... as a gift) me a bike, tickets to see Les Miserables (my FAVORITE musical), our hotel for London/Germany trip and several other things I needed for my triathlon.  But my wicked heart was not content. I begged and pleaded for a food processor to make my Paleo cooking faster and easier. And when he said no, how did I respond?  I bought it anyway and lied about it. I have never been so ashamed of myself. The look on his face when he found out pierced my heart as I realized this has become a serious problem. This is not the first time it's happened. The problem isn't that we don't have the money or that my husband is trying to be a dictator and tell me where I can and cannot spend my money. It's the fact that I went against his leading and then manipulated him into thinking I had the cash.  Contrary to what I had led myself to believe... no food processor will ever satisfy and save my wretched soul. It's something only Christ alone can do.

3. be a good teacher - Last week I found myself standing in front of my sixth graders with a "deer-in-the-headlights" look on my face wondering what on earth to do next. They had finished an assignment and due to my lack of lesson planning and grading, I had nothing for them to do!  My students knew it and I definitely lost some respect and credibility that day. The frustrating part was that my excuse was because I needed to spend more time at the gym or with Husband. In Colossians chapter 3, Paul talks about doing your work as for the Lord and not for men.  There have been so many days that I've thought of my job as something to pass the time, until I get my "real job" - being a mom.  This year I've been so convicted that this IS my real job, until God says it's not.  Would my classroom be run differently if I worked as unto the Lord and not my boss?  Would I treat my students differently if I saw them through His eyes and not my frustrated, over-worked, tired teacher eyes?

4. maintain my body as a temple - Yes, I've been training hard for this triathlon.  But my clean eating has gone down the drain and I've used food as an escape from the stresses of my life.  I'm usually not an emotional eater, and definitely not when I'm depressed. Stress however is a totally different story. And what I'm seeing is it's a vicious cycle. If I don't eat right I don't have very much energy. What little energy I do have is used to get by with the bare minimum. Only doing the bare minimum creates stress which makes me consume ridiculous amounts of sugar and carbohydrates and processed foods.  

I realized all of this last week after a horrible day at work. My amazing husband worked out a new schedule with me and helped me re-prioritize my life. And what a difference it's made in every area mentioned above.  I'm able to have quiet times, grade papers/lesson plan, exercise, make healthy meals, and spend time with Husband... every day!  The Lord has been so faithful (as always) to not only gently convict me, but to show me the way out as well. It may be a long, slow climb. But at least I'm working my way up.

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So go ahead enemy. Step up your game. I'm stepping up mine... the difference?  God is on my side! And He's already won this battle!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

my tongue

I think I spoke too soon. 

I’ve written two posts about how I never cry. 

I’ve cried three times today.

THREE…

Over something so small and insignificant you’ll think I’ve gone crazy.  Maybe I have.

We had professional family pictures taken this morning.  I am ten days post-surgery (aka I’m sporting the “swelly belly,” Aunt Flo is in town (which adds cramping to my already abused uterus), the humidity was 89% and my hair 100% frizz, and I’m fighting with all my might not to catch the stomach bug that’s going around.  I confess I was not in a pleasant mood.

After pictures, we all decided to have brunch at a restaurant nearby.  My younger sister decided to ride with Husband and me.  It has been my heart’s desire to set a good example for our younger siblings (both mine and hubby’s) since we got married.  I have prayed we would keep our priorities aligned, our love unconditional, and our actions pure.

Unfortunately, several people have told us through the years that we argue like an old married couple, and our words toward one another can often be harsh and degrading.  I don’t know when we became so immune to one another’s words, when we learned to let it roll off our backs instead of changing how we communicate.

I was the last one in the car, moving slowly and cautiously. I got settled in my seat and then realized I would have to engage stomach muscles to lean forward and shut the door. Not willing to experience the momentary discomfort, I said to Husband (in a not so friendly tone) “ugh, when will you learn to shut my door!”  My sister jumped out to shut it and we were on our way.

We planned to follow my dad but his driving and last minute lane changes were not conducive to our plans.  So it’s no surprise we got separated. I pulled out my phone to re-route and started demanding directions to Husband (again in a not so friendly tone). “Turn left, turn right. UGH! Turn around. You’re in the wrong lane, get over. You’re going the wrong way.”

Finally we arrived and I told my sister to go on inside while I changed from my unforgiving jeans to my heavenly sweat pants!  In our few moments alone, Husband gently pointed out my ugly tones and demands and reminded me it wasn’t a very good example. I jumped to the defense and said I wasn’t feeling well and that my sister probably understood. We went inside and joined the family.

I started feeling sick and decided not to eat and didn’t want to enter into conversations. I blamed this on Aunt Flo’s visit and counted the minutes until we could leave.

On the silent ride home, the Holy Spirit pierced my heart and convicted me of my hurtful words.  I was wrong. I was so wrong. And the fact that I tried to make an excuse made it worse. This was the perfect time to speak lovingly toward my husband and set the example I had prayed we would, and I blew it!  Tears rolled down my face as I sent a text to my sister apologizing for my actions. She forgave me and I tried to move on.

But I still had a pit in my stomach.  How could I have been so selfish, so unthoughtful, so harsh?  I apologized to Husband as the tears flowed faster and faster.

I didn’t receive the response I wanted so I tried to divert my attention to phone calls. But when no one answered, I was left to my own thoughts again.  I have nagged Husband about this, pointed the finger, and blamed him countless times for the way we communicate.  Oh how big the log in my own eyes must be! (Matthew 7:5)

The tears didn’t come slowly this time, they poured!  Poor Husband was probably in shock by this point but he finally responded to my third apology by explaining why it hurt him so much.

There are countless verses in the Bible about taming the tongue.  Proverbs 18:21 says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  James 3:6 reminds me “the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”

Oh God may I learn the importance of taming my tongue and learning to speak in gentle, loving tones, even on days when everything is going wrong.  Lord may I learn this discipline well before you bless us with children whose ears are always hearing and eyes always watching.  Thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, and for the Holy Spirit who so gently comes to convict and never condemn.  Lord I know praying this prayer means You will give me ample opportunities to practice, and I know I will fail. But I pray each time I get back up that I will be stronger and have a more keen sense of when to hold my tongue. I know with Your strength I can overcome this bad habit. Amen.

humbled by his faithfulness and love,

sarah jane