i'm having a blast!

"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'  Then God said, 'I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.' And it was so."    Genesis 1:28-30

 I am praising the Lord today for these verses that I have so often looked over.  He gave us every animal and every plant for our enjoyment and for food!  It has been such an eye-opening experience learning about how food is processed and digested, experimenting with fresh vegetables, learning how to substitute almond/coconut flour for white/wheat flour, looking for grass-fed meat farms and Community Supported Agriculture groups, and researching and then cooking Paleo recipes.  Food has never tasted so rich or been so vibrant in color, pure beauty! I'm having a blast cooking!

I have baked before (mainly the usual... cakes, brownies, cookies, pies) and cooked simple recipes... pretty much anything that was in my comfort zone. If the recipe called for an ingredient I had never heard of or seen, if I didn't know how to chop it or where to buy it, I refused to try it.  If the preparation time was too long, the process too messy, or it required several different dishes, forget it! 

But switching to Paleo has really forced me out of my comfort zone. Can I get a Hallelujah? Praise the Lord! And Amen!

This week I've made fajitas wrapped in lettuce (not cabbage!)...

sweet potato recovery bars (with homemade sweet potato puree)...

a ginormous omelet (this one was a disaster!)...

cookies with almond flour and coconut nectar...

garlic mashed potatoes (which was actually cauliflower)...

and spaghetti with spaghetti squash, but I didn't get a picture.

Okay so I'm definitely not a food photographer. And maybe the foods I've cooked with are foods you've been cooking with since age five. But I've branched out, and those of you who know me, know that's huge! (Especially since I was so addicted to carbohydrates and sugar.)

For the last two years, it seems the only thing that's been on my mind has been my infertility. I know... "relax, and it will happen!"  I'd like to see you walk this road and see how you handle that statement.  It's not easy to just relax and not think about being the one thing I feel I was created to be... a mom!

But the Lord has finally led me to a place where I can set my mind on something other than fertility, and it's actually become a beautiful worship experience.  Matt Chandler, from the Village Church, once said that everything we find pleasure in should result in worship to our Creator!  These past few years my time with the Lord has been sweet, but out of desperation... a crying out for Him to hear my prayers and draw near to me!  But in the last two weeks it has turned into a very different experience. It has been full of praise, adoration, and gratefulness. He has filled my cup to overflowing!  I never would have thought giving up carbohydrates and sugar meant getting more of Jesus!

This morning I found this...

ONE pink flower growing amidst a hundred white ones.  My favorite color is pink so I couldn't help but think of this as the Lord smiling down on me. Oh how well he knows me!

He is beautiful. And I'm so glad He's leading me in His ways, not mine.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

lifestyle... redefined.

So much has happened the past few weeks I don't even know where to start.  But instead of dropping the bombshell, I'll go back to the beginning.

Six months ago when Husband and I started seeing doctors for my infertility, I was researching every natural alternative fertility treatment on the internet that I could find (I still am).  I looked at herbal supplements, nutrition, muscle testing, vitamins, etc.  Around the same time, a fad of "eating for your blood type" diets were going around. I knew I was O+ and that meant I should be on the Paleo diet. I knew maybe one or two people who were on Paleo. That meant cutting out all dairy, carbs, and sugar, which I absolutely refused to do. I remember thinking, "I get one life, I'm going to live it like I want and eat what I want." 

During my quiet times, I gently felt the Lord convicting me about my eating habits.  This verse repeatedly came to mind.

  "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own..."  

1 Corinthians 6:19  (emphasis mine)

Eating the way I had been left me so tired and lethargic. How can I be of use to the Lord when I'm constantly sleeping! But being the stubborn, must-learn-lessons-the-hard-way child that I am, I pushed these convictions aside.  I had bought a book about eating in moderation but never read it. If I started a "diet," it never lasted more than a day. To be honest, I think my eating got worse.

Fast forward five months... several of my friends had now converted to Paleo and were constantly posting pictures of their meals on Facebook. Meals that actually looked yummy! Meals I wanted to try.

So I started researching Paleo. Within minutes I was appalled at the foods I had been eating. Foods I had been told were healthy.  Foods I lived on. (This website is a great resource.)  These foods were carbohydrates (whole grains included), dairy, and sugar. 

What finally got my attention was that these foods could cause infertility.

Hold up... that meant the cinnamon roll I had for breakfast along with my chai tea could be keeping us from having children!?! What a simple fix!!

If that didn't do it, I also read these foods can cause autoimmune diseases (cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia... some pretty scary diseases).  My mom was diagnosed with MS about five years ago and I know it's genetic. I've seen what it's done to her and I don't want it happening to me.

The day after researching this, I went to see a nutritionist.  I'm praying the Lord will use her to regulate my hormones because I can't stand much more of this craziness! BUT, she asked if I had heard of Paleo and said if I'd be willing to commit to it that the supplements would work so much faster.  She asked if I knew my blood type (O+) and then said it's even more important that I switch.  People who are O+ generally crave carbohydrates and sugar.  After thirty days of not eating them, the cravings go away. 

How nice would that be!?

I already knew the Lord had been leading me this way. And I am SO thankful He never gives up.  I am finally switching to Paleo!! (Better late than never, right?)  And it is a new lifestyle for me, not a diet.  If eating this way glorifies the Lord, prepares my body for a baby, and prevents MS... I'm all for it, for life!

I've also changed my workout routine from solid cardio five times per week, to mostly lifting weights with a little cardio mixed in.  This picture totally sums up my thoughts, both then and now.

I am continually amazed at the love God pours out on His children.  Even when they don't listen, they pout, and they think they know best, but He never gives up.  He truly knows best for each and every one of us. I am so excited for this new journey and can't wait to see what God's got up His sleeves next.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

battlefield

As the usual roller coasters of infertile emotions go, this week has been no different.  Absolutely unpredictable.  Aunt Flo came and left in a whirlwind and instead of my hope being restored, I have found myself battling depression like never before.  With Obamacare being passed, my body still sending me "hostile-to-all-new-life" signals, and my fertility time clock ticking, I have found it nearly impossible to see God's purpose for putting me here. 

I told Husband last night that I can't seem to connect my head knowledge with how my heart is feeling. I know God is good, but I feel forgotten. I know His word says He gives us the desires of our heart, but I feel like I'm being left out.  I keep thinking of children standing in line for their turn to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool.  And the Lifeguard keeps telling me to hang on, while letting others go ahead of me. He keeps praising me for being so patient and tells me not to give up as He gives others two, three, even four turns.... I feel like I will be waiting my turn forever.

I came home from school today with a dull but seemingly never-ending headache.  My plans to work out and make dinner were pushed to the back burner.  I had my pajamas on by 5:30 and was nestled on the couch for my nightly blog surfing and reading. 

I went through my bookmark list, seeing if anything caught my eye.  As my most recent finding, Meet Mrs Smith was last on the list.  (For those of you who know of Delirious, this is Martin Smith's wife's blog.)  The title of her latest post was "Ahoy!" and she had a picture of two women canoeing down their flooded street.  To my surprise, this was actually a post about God's promises and staying faithful when those promises don't seem to be coming to fruition... especially with regards to infertility. This is coming from a woman with six children who, because of how often she writes about it, must have several friends struggling with infertility.

Boy was I in for a good, stern talking to.

After reading "Ahoy," I went over to Thursday's Babies, a blog recommended by Mrs. Smith.  I felt the Lord stir in my heart when I read this paragraph:

"I felt the Holy Spirit drop into my heart that this is a battle. A battle for the next generation of children to rise up and take their place. In Genesis 3:15 God is talking to the serpent who has tempted and deceived Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden into eating of the fruit of the tree that the Lord forbade them to eat from. The Lord says, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heal." The enemy is not as keen as God is to see our children born."

This is a battle.  Every month is a battle.  A battle I all too often let satan win.  Month after month I throw in the towel and say I give up.  I whine because I think it's more than I can handle.  I believe the enemy's lies and doubt my faithful God.  I become useless in my Maker's hands. 

However, what my loving and gracious God showed me was that I may lose battle after battle, but my God has WON the war!  Whether I have children or not will not change the fact that I serve a victorious God who is ECSTATIC about creating life inside of me. So ecstatic in fact that He is unwilling to bless us with pregnancy without first growing our faith and trust in Him.  He is making us strong and able soldiers so that we can raise strong and able soldiers for His army. Wow! What an awesome task.

I then decided to continue reading from J.I. Packer's "Knowing God."  I've been slowly working my way through this book, soaking it up after each chapter. I've felt the Lord nudging me to pick it up again lately and (not to my surprise) tonight was the night!  

I had left off on the chapter that explains God's majesty and how we tend to take the fact that He is a personal God to mean that He "is a person of the same sort as we are - weak, inadequate, ineffective, a little pathetic. We think of God as too much like what we are."  How I've fallen into this trap!  How could I ignore the fact that He sent His only Son to die for me and believe I've been abandoned?!  

Packer continues, "God has not abandoned us any more than than He abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom He has set His love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of His sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of His own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior."  

What powerful words!!  I pray the Lord will continue to teach me, correct me, and grow me as I meditate on these words and in His word this week. I love how Packer closed this chapter:

"How slow we are to believe in God as God, sovereign, all-seeing and almighty! How little we make of the majesty of our Lord and Savior Christ! The need for us is to 'wait upon the Lord' in meditations on His majesty, till we find our strength renewed through the writing of these things upon our hearts."

You'd think by now I'd learn that getting angry and pulling away from God is like a spiritual death sentence.  I'm praying I will learn to draw so much closer to Him as each month of unfulfilled desires passes. He is good. He is victorious. He has won this war!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

greatest gift

Husband and I sought further wisdom and council and do not feel one hundred percent confident that acupuncture is the path the Lord wants us on.

I am beyond frustrated.  I had my blood drawn (on vacation, thank you very much) and the lab lost my results.  That's right... lost... as in "cannot be recovered."  The customer service lady said she called Texas, Arizona (where blood was drawn), California, Nevada, and Utah collection labs and no one has results. The lab I went to has record of me being there but nothing after that. 

Perfect. Just perfect.

Now I get to endure another month of agony and unbalanced hormones.

Extreme fatigue. Headaches. Acne. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Hair loss.  

These are not symptoms I'm willing to live with.

So we've decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist... aka infertility specialist.

If the Lord does not have children for me, that's fine (although it kinda has to be fine).  But I can't stand this hormonal imbalance.

But this also means accepting the reality that I am in fact infertile. I hate accepting and owning this label. 

As I'm typing this, the Lord has shown me I teach children who are labeled... with a learning difference.  However, because of their label, their weaknesses are specifically targeted. And as a result, their treatment is successful and their learning difference remediated. Many parents are reluctant to label their child. But I've seen only good things from it. 

A little girl in my class today mentioned she had dyslexia when another teacher corrected her spelling. She looked embarrassed for admitting it. She's new to the school and did not realize everyone at Shelton has some kind of learning difference. The boy sitting next to her chimed in, "I have dyslexia too!" with a smile on his face.  A tiny grin appeared across her face and she went back to work.  She knew she was in the right place.  I often teach my students that their weakness (dyslexia or ADHD) can become their greatest strength and gift if they learn how to cope with it and use it to their advantage.  

Dyslexics are great "big picture" thinkers... Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein were dyslexic. ADHD kids are very detailed oriented and can often hyper-focus... Jerry Pinkney (amazing, watercolor illustrator) has ADHD.

So maybe me accepting my label (not as a punishment, but as a gift from God) is right where God wants me... in an infertility specialist's office, asking for his help and expertise, knowing that God gave him the gift of helping infertiles.  I've always said the Lord alone creates life... and for some reason that has meant I couldn't see a specialist.  I was wrong.  As long as I continue to give God all the glory, He can use a specialist to help us get pregnant. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, 

declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

acupuncture

Yes, I said acupuncture.  We've decided to try it as the next step in trying to conceive.

I feel like God might be closing the doors of seeing medical doctors. He definitely cut the strings from my favorite NaPro doctor in Austin, and I'm beginning to doubt my NaPro doctor here. I feel like he's been taking a shot in the dark trying to regulate my hormones. I don't have an OB/GYN and feel like we wouldn't agree on treatment plans anyway. I'm assuming they'll automatically want to do IUI or in vitro, but husband and I aren't ready to do either (for both personal and financial reasons).

While visiting with a friend one night, she suggested acupuncture and said she knew many friends that conceived because of it...

DISCLAIMER: I wholeheartedly believe when we conceive some day it will be because the Lord's timing was perfect and because He created life. He does not need doctors, level hormones, acupuncture, surgery, or even IUI to make a baby (although He can use any and all of the above). 

... I was skeptical at first, but she encouraged me to pray about it. I went home and prayed the Lord would direct my research and open doors as He saw fit.  Enter Dr. Zhou!  I pulled up the website for Acupuncture and Alternative Medicine of Dallas and noticed she specializes in infertility... especially "unexplained infertility."  Just as the Lord led me to the doctor in Austin with His undeniable peace, I know he will continue to lead us with his peace.

That same day I received confirmations from three other people about acupuncture. I called Dr. Zhou and made an appointment for two weeks from now.  I'm still praying about it and seeking wisdom. But that's where we're at.

“Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”  1 Samuel 1:17

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

a newfound love

I love books! I love reading them, I love learning from them, I love smelling them, I love placing them on my shelf when I'm finished, I love collecting them, and I love telling others about them.

I dream of one day having an old-fashioned library with shelves from floor to ceiling, sliding ladders and a reading nook. Oh the hours I will spend there...

But since I don't have one yet, I spent the past week in my first graduate class on Diagnosing Learning Different Children.  Being a reading teacher at a school for dyslexic children, I was excited to learn how my students were diagnosed and what exactly defined their disability.  Not only are my students dyslexic, but they also have severe expressive and receptive language issues (which means they have difficulty understanding what is being spoken to them and expressing their own thoughts). 

My students hate loathe reading... with a passion.  I can't say I blame them. It is so hard for them and requires so much energy just to decode the words that there is no room in their brain for comprehension. What fun is reading a book you don't understand?  On top of that, most of them don't fully get the sarcasm or humor, it just goes over their head.  One of them actually said to me, "We don't understand a lot of things. We spend most of our lives confused."  Can you imagine?  They know they're different.

In my reading homework, I was appalled to learn these statistics:
- 44% of our nation's fourth-grade children are reading below grade level (and 32% of those have college-educated parents!)
- 20% of elementary children have a learning disability, but only 5-6% are receiving "special" instruction

which has lead to these illiteracy rates:
-75% of unemployed
-85% of juveniles who appear in court
-60% of prison inmates

So (hypothetically speaking) our tax money is going to build prisons to house illiterate inmates who were not taught enough reading skills to get a job so they had to resort to a life of crime to make ends meet....

But what I took away from class this week was a passion yearning to instill in my students a love for reading and a sense of self-worth. This past year I was so focused on teaching the basic, requirements for my students. And because mine have severe language issues, most of what I teach is language. We don't usually have a lot of time for reading enrichment... even though it's a "reading enrichment" class.

So here's my game plan:
1. Quit teaching piano to have more time after school for lesson planning and reading.
2. Plan a weekend retreat with no distractions to learn more and plan.
3. Read these books BEFORE school starts.

4. Meet with reading enrichment mentor monthly to share creative ideas and brainstorm.
5. Read a book a month (just like in high school) and share on blog to enhance my own reading skills and set an example for my students. Here's what I've got so far, although I'd like to include books my students are reading so we can talk about them together.

"An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." 

Proverbs 18:15

I believe instilling in my students a love for reading and a thirst for knowledge will be one of the greatest things I can give them... something that can never be taken away.  And I will fervently pray the Lord will one day use their knowledge to bring them closer to Him.

Teach me more Lord so I can teach Your children.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

God is gracious

I spoke too soon... my hormones are now so far out of whack I don't think they'll ever normalize.  My progesterone was 105 and my estrogen 89.  If 35 was too high, is 105 not lethal?  I thought surely I was pregnant, maybe even with twins. But alas, after two negative pregnancy tests, Aunt Flo has come with an evil laugh and "gotcha" attitude.

I just don't understand. The surgeries were successful. My uterus was cleaned out. My hormones semi-level. All that we needed was the Lord's blessing and timing... why does He choose to withhold this from us? His word says children are a blessing. Psalm 127:4-5 says "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's YOUTH. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."  Now I realize I might define youth differently than God, but I'm not getting any younger. 

People tell me "Oh you have plenty of time, you're just a baby!"  I'm SO disgusted at those words.  Had I started popping out babies when we got married, we'd have four or five and I'd be HALFWAY to the ten I dream of having!  My friends with children (some with only one) complain non-stop about the horrors childbirth did to their body. I will take the twenty extra pounds, stretch marks, pouchy belly, and cellulite any day! How can someone look at their own children, with their precious, innocent, joyful faces and think "you are the reason I'm not sexy any more!"

My lack of understanding is what gets to me more than anything these days. I know God has a plan. I know He's good and sovereign. I know His timing is perfect. But I don't understand... why me? Why this long? Why such a strong desire?  Why does He tease us with answers and solutions to give us more unknowns?  Why?  WHY!?

For more reasons I don't understand, God is choosing to be silent in this matter.  And that's okay, for now.

I'm choosing to focus on the blessings:  I went to the gym yesterday for my first run post-surgery. I've been cycling, but have been scared to run because it's more high impact.  I was thrilled to know I've still got it! I ran three miles at my previous eleven minute per mile pace... and only had to stop once. God is gracious.

And I love this man more than my words could ever express. His patience, support, wisdom, encouraging words, and silent hugs that say "everything will be okay" are more than I could ever ask for.  I often struggle with knowing that I married a man with a father's heart and yet I cannot give him children. But God knew that before He brought us together.  And in one way or another, I know we will be parents, as God has always intended us to be! I love you babe!

at my sister's wedding (twenty-four hours after he returned from Cambodia)

"As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste... His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!" Song of Solomon 2:3,6)

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane