greatest gift

Husband and I sought further wisdom and council and do not feel one hundred percent confident that acupuncture is the path the Lord wants us on.

I am beyond frustrated.  I had my blood drawn (on vacation, thank you very much) and the lab lost my results.  That's right... lost... as in "cannot be recovered."  The customer service lady said she called Texas, Arizona (where blood was drawn), California, Nevada, and Utah collection labs and no one has results. The lab I went to has record of me being there but nothing after that. 

Perfect. Just perfect.

Now I get to endure another month of agony and unbalanced hormones.

Extreme fatigue. Headaches. Acne. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Hair loss.  

These are not symptoms I'm willing to live with.

So we've decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist... aka infertility specialist.

If the Lord does not have children for me, that's fine (although it kinda has to be fine).  But I can't stand this hormonal imbalance.

But this also means accepting the reality that I am in fact infertile. I hate accepting and owning this label. 

As I'm typing this, the Lord has shown me I teach children who are labeled... with a learning difference.  However, because of their label, their weaknesses are specifically targeted. And as a result, their treatment is successful and their learning difference remediated. Many parents are reluctant to label their child. But I've seen only good things from it. 

A little girl in my class today mentioned she had dyslexia when another teacher corrected her spelling. She looked embarrassed for admitting it. She's new to the school and did not realize everyone at Shelton has some kind of learning difference. The boy sitting next to her chimed in, "I have dyslexia too!" with a smile on his face.  A tiny grin appeared across her face and she went back to work.  She knew she was in the right place.  I often teach my students that their weakness (dyslexia or ADHD) can become their greatest strength and gift if they learn how to cope with it and use it to their advantage.  

Dyslexics are great "big picture" thinkers... Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein were dyslexic. ADHD kids are very detailed oriented and can often hyper-focus... Jerry Pinkney (amazing, watercolor illustrator) has ADHD.

So maybe me accepting my label (not as a punishment, but as a gift from God) is right where God wants me... in an infertility specialist's office, asking for his help and expertise, knowing that God gave him the gift of helping infertiles.  I've always said the Lord alone creates life... and for some reason that has meant I couldn't see a specialist.  I was wrong.  As long as I continue to give God all the glory, He can use a specialist to help us get pregnant. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, 

declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

acupuncture

Yes, I said acupuncture.  We've decided to try it as the next step in trying to conceive.

I feel like God might be closing the doors of seeing medical doctors. He definitely cut the strings from my favorite NaPro doctor in Austin, and I'm beginning to doubt my NaPro doctor here. I feel like he's been taking a shot in the dark trying to regulate my hormones. I don't have an OB/GYN and feel like we wouldn't agree on treatment plans anyway. I'm assuming they'll automatically want to do IUI or in vitro, but husband and I aren't ready to do either (for both personal and financial reasons).

While visiting with a friend one night, she suggested acupuncture and said she knew many friends that conceived because of it...

DISCLAIMER: I wholeheartedly believe when we conceive some day it will be because the Lord's timing was perfect and because He created life. He does not need doctors, level hormones, acupuncture, surgery, or even IUI to make a baby (although He can use any and all of the above). 

... I was skeptical at first, but she encouraged me to pray about it. I went home and prayed the Lord would direct my research and open doors as He saw fit.  Enter Dr. Zhou!  I pulled up the website for Acupuncture and Alternative Medicine of Dallas and noticed she specializes in infertility... especially "unexplained infertility."  Just as the Lord led me to the doctor in Austin with His undeniable peace, I know he will continue to lead us with his peace.

That same day I received confirmations from three other people about acupuncture. I called Dr. Zhou and made an appointment for two weeks from now.  I'm still praying about it and seeking wisdom. But that's where we're at.

“Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”  1 Samuel 1:17

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

a newfound love

I love books! I love reading them, I love learning from them, I love smelling them, I love placing them on my shelf when I'm finished, I love collecting them, and I love telling others about them.

I dream of one day having an old-fashioned library with shelves from floor to ceiling, sliding ladders and a reading nook. Oh the hours I will spend there...

But since I don't have one yet, I spent the past week in my first graduate class on Diagnosing Learning Different Children.  Being a reading teacher at a school for dyslexic children, I was excited to learn how my students were diagnosed and what exactly defined their disability.  Not only are my students dyslexic, but they also have severe expressive and receptive language issues (which means they have difficulty understanding what is being spoken to them and expressing their own thoughts). 

My students hate loathe reading... with a passion.  I can't say I blame them. It is so hard for them and requires so much energy just to decode the words that there is no room in their brain for comprehension. What fun is reading a book you don't understand?  On top of that, most of them don't fully get the sarcasm or humor, it just goes over their head.  One of them actually said to me, "We don't understand a lot of things. We spend most of our lives confused."  Can you imagine?  They know they're different.

In my reading homework, I was appalled to learn these statistics:
- 44% of our nation's fourth-grade children are reading below grade level (and 32% of those have college-educated parents!)
- 20% of elementary children have a learning disability, but only 5-6% are receiving "special" instruction

which has lead to these illiteracy rates:
-75% of unemployed
-85% of juveniles who appear in court
-60% of prison inmates

So (hypothetically speaking) our tax money is going to build prisons to house illiterate inmates who were not taught enough reading skills to get a job so they had to resort to a life of crime to make ends meet....

But what I took away from class this week was a passion yearning to instill in my students a love for reading and a sense of self-worth. This past year I was so focused on teaching the basic, requirements for my students. And because mine have severe language issues, most of what I teach is language. We don't usually have a lot of time for reading enrichment... even though it's a "reading enrichment" class.

So here's my game plan:
1. Quit teaching piano to have more time after school for lesson planning and reading.
2. Plan a weekend retreat with no distractions to learn more and plan.
3. Read these books BEFORE school starts.

4. Meet with reading enrichment mentor monthly to share creative ideas and brainstorm.
5. Read a book a month (just like in high school) and share on blog to enhance my own reading skills and set an example for my students. Here's what I've got so far, although I'd like to include books my students are reading so we can talk about them together.

"An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." 

Proverbs 18:15

I believe instilling in my students a love for reading and a thirst for knowledge will be one of the greatest things I can give them... something that can never be taken away.  And I will fervently pray the Lord will one day use their knowledge to bring them closer to Him.

Teach me more Lord so I can teach Your children.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

God is gracious

I spoke too soon... my hormones are now so far out of whack I don't think they'll ever normalize.  My progesterone was 105 and my estrogen 89.  If 35 was too high, is 105 not lethal?  I thought surely I was pregnant, maybe even with twins. But alas, after two negative pregnancy tests, Aunt Flo has come with an evil laugh and "gotcha" attitude.

I just don't understand. The surgeries were successful. My uterus was cleaned out. My hormones semi-level. All that we needed was the Lord's blessing and timing... why does He choose to withhold this from us? His word says children are a blessing. Psalm 127:4-5 says "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's YOUTH. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."  Now I realize I might define youth differently than God, but I'm not getting any younger. 

People tell me "Oh you have plenty of time, you're just a baby!"  I'm SO disgusted at those words.  Had I started popping out babies when we got married, we'd have four or five and I'd be HALFWAY to the ten I dream of having!  My friends with children (some with only one) complain non-stop about the horrors childbirth did to their body. I will take the twenty extra pounds, stretch marks, pouchy belly, and cellulite any day! How can someone look at their own children, with their precious, innocent, joyful faces and think "you are the reason I'm not sexy any more!"

My lack of understanding is what gets to me more than anything these days. I know God has a plan. I know He's good and sovereign. I know His timing is perfect. But I don't understand... why me? Why this long? Why such a strong desire?  Why does He tease us with answers and solutions to give us more unknowns?  Why?  WHY!?

For more reasons I don't understand, God is choosing to be silent in this matter.  And that's okay, for now.

I'm choosing to focus on the blessings:  I went to the gym yesterday for my first run post-surgery. I've been cycling, but have been scared to run because it's more high impact.  I was thrilled to know I've still got it! I ran three miles at my previous eleven minute per mile pace... and only had to stop once. God is gracious.

And I love this man more than my words could ever express. His patience, support, wisdom, encouraging words, and silent hugs that say "everything will be okay" are more than I could ever ask for.  I often struggle with knowing that I married a man with a father's heart and yet I cannot give him children. But God knew that before He brought us together.  And in one way or another, I know we will be parents, as God has always intended us to be! I love you babe!

at my sister's wedding (twenty-four hours after he returned from Cambodia)

"As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste... His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!" Song of Solomon 2:3,6)

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane