most important

John Piper posted this video on his Facebook page today.  I read his book Desiring God years ago but seem to have lost sight of the truth it teaches: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

This video mentions a quote from the book, "treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children."

I was left speechless and totally convicted by the end of this video.  I am beyond blessed with an amazing husband, family, friends, job security and health, and yet I sit around and complain that God is unkind for withholding children from us (which is a LIE).

Lord, I don't want to miss the most important reason for living. Christ! He is my ultimate satisfaction.


Click on the link below to watch the video... and grab a box of Kleenex as well.

The Story of Ian and Larissa


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

bitter sweet

I put Husband on a plane for Cambodia today.  He began packing last night at nine o'clock. But the Lord has been preparing our hearts for this trip since January.

I have been wanting to go on a mission trip with Husband since we started dating. His feelings have not always been the same, but this past year he has been in agreement. So we've tossed ideas back and forth about where we wanted to go. We both have a heart for Africa, Husband especially since he went when he was seventeen. A few opportunities arose, the Lord stirred our hearts, but nothing came to fruition.

In January we received an update email from a friend with a ministry in San Antonio about his plans to go to Cambodia this summer.  I immediately emailed Husband and said "let's go!"  But with schedule conflicts and not knowing what business would be like, the conversation was put on the back burner.

On March 22, in the middle of class, I received this email from Husband:

".....Cambodia trip is May 6-20. Yes I'm back to thinking about it. Mark Roye called me yesterday and asked if I would come...."

In his usual "use least amount of words possible" style, this was him letting me know he had made a decision.  I instantly knew he was to go, but in my usual "use most amount of words conceivable" style, I wanted to talk about it. I watched the clock tick every minute until the bell rang and called him on the phone.  My angry flesh had decided to say these things....

"You can't go, we're supposed to go together and I can't miss work."

"My sister's wedding is the twentieth, are you really gonna miss that?"

"I'll miss you, that's too long to be gone."

"We don't have the money for this trip."

But when he said hello, thankfully my spirit took over, and the only words my mouth would utter were "I have nothing but selfish reasons to say to keep you here. I know the Lord wants you to go."  I hung up the phone, fell into a puddle on the floor behind my desk and screamed at the Lord through my tears.

"You have taken EVERYTHING from me, You can't have him! I know I've prayed the prayer of surrender a thousand times, and You just had to take it to this level. I will never understand how You get so much joy by taking things away from me."

I was reminded of Job, who truly did have everything taken away, and yet he still praised the Lord.

Since then, the Lord has worked wonders on my cold and bitter heart. He is not spitefully "taking away my husband."  He is answering prayers that I, yes I have prayed for years. Oh that He would continue to open my eyes to see this life as He does. 

I'm so eager to see all the Lord has in store to accomplish on this trip. The team is going to build a play scape for children that have been rescued from human trafficking.  I LOVE that the Lord is using my husband's talents to bring joy and truth to these children. I don't picture my man-of-few-words preaching in the slums, although ANYTHING is possible with God!  But he packed his tools last night and will serve the Lord with his hands. I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 12, how we are one body with many members. Mission trips aren't defined as telling people about Christ (with the mouth). It's about serving, and showing by example the love and grace and mercy and generosity of our Savior!  I am praying seeds will be planted both in the children playing on their new play scape and in my Husband... seeds of unquenchable thirst and hunger for their God.

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!"  Psalm 34:8

Yes, Husband, I will miss you very much!  But I release you to the Hands of our mighty God and cannot wait to hear about the wonders He is doing on the other side of the world. 

 

(And P.S. If you find a sweet little Cambodian girl who captures your heart and wraps you around her finger, it would be perfectly fine for you to bring her home.)

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

hallelujah!

My hormones are in the normal range.

Cue the Hallelujah Chorus!!

It has been a mountain of trials and errors (and surgeries!) to get my progesterone from LESS than 0.1 (not even on the charts) to 23.  

I'm definitely doing the happy dance and celebrating tonight!

Onward and upward. 

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

can ANYONE relate?!?

I'm smack dab in the middle of my two week wait... the dreaded two weeks between ovulation and menstrual cycle.  With the resetting of my uterus, my hope has been heightened and I am eagerly anticipating day 28 when I can take a home pregnancy test.

I feel my boobs at every waking moment in the middle of the night... "Are they sore?  Are they bigger? Are they firm? Do they feel different at all?"

"Was that a hot-flash?  Or typical Texas heat?"

"Is that nausea?  Or am I just sick?"

"Was that spotting or implantation bleeding?"

"Could this cramping be a baby trying to make its home?  Or is it the onset Aunt Flo coming in town for an uninvited visit once again."

It's killing me! It's all I think about. And then I tell myself God won't allow me to get pregnant if I'm thinking about this so much, trying to take control.  But trying NOT to think about it makes me think about it more.

Oh how I longed for a "surprise pregnancy."  But now it seems I focus on every little change in my body and assume it's pregnancy... only to be let down. Using the Creighton Method allows me to be so in-tune with my body I don't feel like there's any room for surprises. But on the other hand, it's helped me figure out what was wrong with my body and is now helping to regulate hormones.

I had my final appointment with my surgeon in Austin last Friday. He said to be calm and patient, that it could take up to twenty months for something to happen. I'm sorry, was that twenty as in two-zero? As in another (almost) two years?  It's been two and a half already. I know my heart cannot handle another twenty let downs.

But the mighty God I serve knows exactly how many more I can handle. How grateful I am that He's in control.


humbled by His faithfulness and love,
sarah jane

epiphany

Husband and I had dinner last night with some friends that were instrumental in our reconnecting and eventually marrying. Which got me thinking about how it all happened.

...............................................

I went to the homeschool prom my senior year, even though I attended a private school. A good friend, who is more like a brother to me, asked me to go with him and I knew it would be more fun than going solo to my own high school's prom. 

A friend of mine from school, Audrey, was also invited to the homeschool prom and I found out she was going with Kenny, whom I knew from church but had not seen in a few years. We decided it would be fun to meet up and hang out after prom.  We snuck into a movie theater to see Spiderman and then went to IHOP.

When our evening was done, the guys dropped Audrey and I off at my house for a sleepover.  Before leaving, Kenny handed Audrey an invitation to his graduation.  I said goodbye, and my heart silently said "forever."  It had been fluttering all night but there was no mention of hanging out again and I couldn't tell if he had any interest in me at all.  I clung to the name card that read "Kenneth Graham Wright" all night long and prayed God heard my heart.

A week later, Kenny called and my heart skipped a thousand beats!  He asked if I wanted to see a movie with him and some friends, aka first date.  A week after that we went to a graduation party for a mutual friend, aka second date.  Kenny drove me home that night, turned his car off in front of my house, looked at me and asked the Question that started it all. "Where do you want this relationship to go?"

My heart stopped. We were in a relationship?!?  I mean, I'm a girl and of course had already imagined us rocking our grandchildren on the front porch of our home, built by Kenny, someday. I didn't think guys moved that fast! But as I've said before, I instantly fell in love with his father's heart and knew I wanted to be his bride. We both poured out our hearts that night and agreed we were in this for marriage.

...............................................

I was replaying these events in my mind last night on the drive home after dinner.  I asked Husband what made him ask the Question on that special night almost ten years ago. Being a man of few words, his answer was simple. "Because I knew what I wanted... a wife and children."  I smiled and teased that he had previously mentioned wishing he had been a pilot in the military when he was younger. But he reaffirmed that that desire was only if he knew having a family was out of the question.

I wonder if God purposely kept me from discussing this with Husband until now because of the impact it would have on me.  

My Epiphany: God put a desire in both of our hearts at a young age to marry and have a family. After two dates, we both knew we wanted to start that family with each other.  We both fell in love with the parental instincts we saw in each other. So although I do not know what it will look like, I KNOW that God will give us the desires of our hearts and bless us with children someday.  

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, 

it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."

Matthew 18:19

The surgeries are over and my uterus is free of the alien and all other structural abnormalities that were previously hindering me from conceiving. I am approaching a season of true waiting on the Lord.  Up until now, I blamed my infertility on physical obstructions. But the Lord has brought healing in that area and we are anxiously anticipating that same Hand to bring new life... in His perfect timing.  I am clinging to this verse now more than ever, knowing Husband and I have been in complete agreement from the very beginning.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

temper tantrum complete

I’ll admit it. I’ve been MIA the last two weeks because I’ve been throwing a temper tantrum.

I’ve been angry… extremely, unapologetically, utterly angry. 

I have refused to open my Bible and allow the Lord to speak to me and soften my heart.

I have stomped my feet, hardened my heart, and desperately tried to fill the void in my heart with everything ANYTHING but more of God.

Recovery from my laparotomy has been a nightmare, and that is truly an understatement. I’ve made a trip to the ER, seen an OB/GYN here in Dallas three times (and counting), had my incision packed from the inside, had incision re-opened and packed from the outside, AND had a visit from Aunt Flo all in the last month.

BUT, even through all my temper tantrum throwing, the Lord has been undeniably gracious, and I’m sure I’ve only seen the tip of His iceberg of grace.

I met a dear friend for dinner tonight to discuss Romans. We have been studying Romans since August, trying to meet every other week but not always being able to.  She asked me how recovery was going, and then as if on cue, she asked how things were going spiritually. And I laid it all out on the table. (She probably wished she had not asked!)

I threw argument after argument, false accusation after false accusation, lie after lie at her and each time she answered calmly, strongly, and assuredly with truth straight from Scripture. She was always ready with an answer to which I would have no rebuttal.  And yes, God took it even a step further and showed me every one of the verses she quoted in the very scriptures we were meeting to discuss.

I told her I was so tired and weary of fighting this battle, wondering why God is giving me more than I can handle. She reminded me I can’t handle it, but He can! (Romans 8:26)

When I explained my frustration and confusion about “His best” consisting of kids for my sister but not for me, she replied “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)  I’ve heard that verse a thousand times and confess I rolled my eyes when she read it. “Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve heard that one before, but this sure doesn’t seem like my good,” I thought.

What amazed me is that she didn’t stop there. She patiently continued, “For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son… and those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.”  (Romans 8:29-30)  My ultimate good is spending eternity in glory with Him forever! My ultimate good is getting more of Him. My ultimate good is His molding, shaping, and creating me to be more like Him.  And my desire for children, although a genuine, God-given desire, has been elevated to a level of idolatry.

She continued, if “He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)  He is NOT withholding any good from me. Period. The end.

She gave me an analogy of God having the owner’s manual for my life, trying to keep me on track so that I will work properly, smoothly, and to my fullest potential. What I am trying to do is find a loophole, an argument that will leave Him speechless.

We laughed, who am I to try and outsmart the God of the infinite universe!? My efforts will always prove to be futile. The clay cannot say to the potter “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20).

I was floored. He’s heard my heart, He’s seen my anger, He’s watched me pout, and yet He loves me still.  Verse by verse He softened my heart and broke the wall I have built to try and shield myself from the giver of life, thinking He was enjoying my pain.

Before I left for the night, my friend encouraged me to read through my blog to see His faithfulness in my life these past few months. She remembered I had recently been in a place of contentment, peace, and trust. This is one more stone to place on my altar… so my children will know “the hand of the Lord is mighty.”

Okay God, I give up. I am so sorry for questioning Your goodness, for not trusting in You, and for thinking I knew better. I am sorry for putting my desire for children before You. Help me to see that You are all I need. Hold me in Your lap and comfort me as I continue to heal from surgery. Thank you for using my sweet friend Amanda to speak so directly to me tonight. May this be another stone on my altar of remembrance!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

sarah jane uncensored

For the sake of keeping a record of this journey, I’m letting you in on a conversation between God and me today. It is definitely one-sided. It is raw. It is not beautiful. Some of the words I speak are not truth and I know that. But the emotion is so real.

Me:  God this isn’t fair. How can you make a world where not just humans, but every living thing (animals, plants, bacteria for Heaven’s sake!) can procreate, and then put me in it and ask me to walk the road of infertility.  It seems cruel!! You created me with a purpose to procreate and have ripped it from me!  You have asked me to watch friend after friend, family member after family member get pregnant while I am forced to sit and watch, completely out of control. 

Me:  God, not only am I asked to walk this road (even though it was nothing I did or did not do that caused it), but now my friends and family members treat me differently.  It’s as if I’m “too delicate” to be told the truth anymore.  Conversations are fake and emotions are hidden.  Instead of being told by my pregnant friends that they’re sick all the time or by my mommy friends that they have difficult days… I’m told everything is fine! But I can see through their eyes it’s not the truth.

Me:  God, I have prayed numerous times that You would take this desire from my heart if it is outside of Your will.  Yet the desire grows stronger.  Is it so that I can hurt even more?  So that the pain can be greater?  How can You be so glorified by my pain!?!?

Me: God I thank You for listening to my heart and not being angry when I am honest.  I thank You for being big enough and strong enough to handle my raw emotions.  I thank You for Your word, how even though it was written thousands of years ago it can still apply to me today.  I thank You for this verse and for giving me a new understanding of it today.  And I thank You, oh I thank You that Your mercies are new every morning and that tomorrow is a new day!

“Whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

Lord, let me get lost in You!

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane