i choose joy

My older sister called today and announced she was pregnant… with her fourth baby.  I immediately responded with excitement and pictured her adorable future baby bump and started imagining what her life would be like with a family of four.  I have dreamed and dreamed, prayed and prayed these past two years that God would allow us to be pregnant at the same time. Maybe this will be it!  We are close not only in age, but we are kindred spirits as well. She is my best friend! I long for our children to be best buddies and not just acquaintances, because their age difference is so great.

But as soon as I hung up the phone, bitterness and jealousy stuck it’s ugly head through my heart and made me question my happiness for her.  Oh how my heart writhed with anger!

I knew this could go further downhill, snowballing and avalanching until I would be so hopelessly depressed I’d never come out of it. 

After a few texts were sent, my mentors came to the rescue!!

I asked how I could be such a horrible person to not be genuinely happy when the miracle of life was just created!  They both replied, “Because you are human!” 

That helped a little. But my heart was still throwing its tantrum and I became crippled. I had just pulled into the driveway and literally could not get of my car. I sat there for an hour not wanting to take another step forward. I had made up my mind to give up.

And then my mother-in-law texted, “Cry. Scream. And then allow the Lord to change your heart.”

Silence.  God pierced my heart and it too gave up. 

Many people have told me God is not offended by our honesty, even when it’s an expression of anger.  He can handle it.  But even as emotionally unstable as I feel, I find it nearly impossible to cry.  And I love crying!  It’s so humbling and freeing. I may be sad, but rarely to the point of tears. Instead, I tend to shut down.  But I followed the advice and straight up told the Lord I was angry, jealous, and bitter.  The chains were broke and I stepped out of my car.

I decided to go for a stress-relieving run.  I always listen to the Old Testament songs from Music Inspired by the Story when I run. There’s just something so energizing in listening to stories from the Bible… stories that portray God’s strength, sovereignty, love, power, and grace. Ahhhhhhhhh!

But today my iPod shuffled and went to a New Testament song… Jesus’s song.  As I listened to these lyrics, I felt the Lord put His enveloping arms around me and squeeze me tighter than He ever has before. Oh how He knows my pain and exactly when and how to reach me.   

Here are some of the lyrics:

Tell me your story, show me your wounds,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you.

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised,

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you.

I see what I made in your mother’s womb,

I see the day I fell in love with you,

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance,

I see My Father’s fingerprints.

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page.

You see the struggle, you see the shame,

I see the reason I came.

I have probably said this before, but I’ll say it a thousand times… I am beyond grateful that this pain in my life can be used for His glory!  I am humbled that He chooses, each and every day, to put His fingerprints on me.  I am encouraged that He alone can put back together the millions of broken pieces that I am.

Today the enemy jumped at an opportunity to destroy my faith with my sweet sister’s phone call.  And he may have won momentarily. But I know who ultimately holds the victory… and that is my beautiful Savior!  And it is because of His unending grace and love that I choose joy.  I REFUSE to allow anger, bitterness, and jealousy take root.  Instead, I am planting patience, peace, faithfulness, and joy! 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 

kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Galatians 5:22

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

meet genevieve

Once again, it's time to brag on Husband.  He bought me a "mommy car" and I am praying and believing she will soon be carrying precious cargo. (Yes, my car has been assigned a gender and a name.) 

I fell in love with Husband for a million reasons, but one was definitely knowing what a wonderful daddy he would be someday.  And I definitely saw the daddy in him last night. Not only is Genevieve gorgeous on the outside, but she is child-approved on the inside.  She comes with a DVD system installed... for those long, homeschooling trips across the United States.

And she has a conversation mirror, aka "baby watcher."

She has a rubber cargo tray, which will make it easy to clean off the mud/dirt that our boys (which Kenny has sworn he is only capable of producing) will be notorious for, following in their dad's footsteps.

But my favorite feature is her walls of protection for our future little blessings.

I foresee many wonderful years ahead with Genevieve. What an awesome addition to our family!  We are standing firm in our faith that the mighty God we serve hears our prayers and will move on our behalf!

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." 

Matthew 21:22

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

life.

“I can’t wait for you to get pregnant… your kids are going to be so cute!” a friend of mine recently said to me.

People frequently tell me they know the Lord will bless us with children someday. I pin thousands of things on Pinterest, knowing we’ll have kids someday. I talk about our children’s future birthday parties that I know I’ll be planning someday.  I’ve started collecting things for and designing boy and girl nurseries that I know I’ll be creating someday.

But the truth is I honestly don’t believe beyond a shadow of doubt that the Lord WILL bless us with a family.

There, I’ve said it.

I know that He can. I know that He considers children a blessing. I know that He made all living things with the purpose of procreation. But nowhere in scripture does it say that He is bound to give us a child or that He is any “less good” if He doesn’t.

And I’m okay with that.

What I’ve learned is that He is enough. 

God is enough.

What the scriptures do promise is that

He will be with me (Psalm 23:4)

He will uphold me (Psalm 145:14)

He will never fail me (Deuteronomy 31:6)

He will love me (Lamentations 3:22-23)

He will be my rock and my salvation (Psalm 18:2)

So do I hope and anxiously anticipate a womb full of new life?  Yes! 

Do I long for my arms to be wrapped around a precious child?  Yes!

Do I long to see what our children will look like?  Yes!

But am I going to put God in a box that says He must give me children or else He is not true to His character?  No.

Do I live every day of my life praying for children, believing if I don’t ever have them that my life is a waste?  No.

Do I seek Him solely as a means to an end?  No.

I feel myself starting to slide into a valley.  The Christian life, as I’ve experienced so far, is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, seasons of joy and seasons of sorrow.  The Lord has been SO gracious to me and I know I’m coming off of the highest mountain. It is because of this that I do not fear the valley that is ahead.  I see it coming, I can’t stop it, but I refuse not to embrace it. Walking through the valley allows me to put my faith to the test and know that my God is who He says He is.

He is the giver of life!

Life inside my womb?  Maybe.  Everlasting life for those who believe in Him?  Absolutely.

My husband gave me a charm bracelet for Valentine’s Day.  The charm is the Hebrew symbol for life.  I originally wanted it to remind me of the life I know we’ll experience someday as a family of seven.

But the Lord has shown me it is more of a reminder that He has rescued me from the bonds of hell.  And even if I never hold new life in my arms, I can rest assured that I have an everlasting life (free from pain and sorrow) secured for me because of what my Savior did.

“I am the way, and the truth, and the life

No one comes to the Father except though Me.” John 14:6

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

let my words be few

I woke up this morning with a deep longing to praise my Lord. Oh how good He is! I am in awe of the love He so lavishly pours on me each and every day. I am in awe of how sweetly He sings over me and how kindly He speaks to me. I am in awe of His mighty strength that pulls me through the toughest times. I am in awe of His gentle hands that hold me, assuring me I'll know no harm. I am in awe of His patience and excitement as He leads me through the scriptures, affirming His promises. I am in awe of His power. I am in awe of His beauty. 

I am in awe.

So much so, that I have no words. But this song has been in my heart and on my mind.

"Let My Words Be Few" ~ by I don't know

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

And I'll stand in awe of You,
Yes I'll stand in awe of You,
And I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane

but i don't fit the mold

Over the past few weeks I’ve found myself struggling to understand why I don’t have any of the symptoms that are typically found in women with the disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.  This includes high testosterone levels, facial hair growth, upper body weight gain, less than nine menstrual cycles per year, and prolonged, heavy menstrual cycles.  In fact, I have the opposite of all of these.  I’ve shared with Husband after each appointment that diagnosed yet another disorder, “I don’t fit the mold!"

So why… why me? Why was I given colossal size, baby-birthing hips, the strongest desire to have a house overflowing with children, a husband with a father’s heart (that I fell in love with the MOMENT I saw him), and a mile long list of diagnoses confirming infertility? 

I pondered this question in my heart for days.  The Lord finally took my hand and answered, “When have I ever chosen someone that fit the mold?  And who’s mold are you referring to any way, dear child?”  He led me to scripture after scripture after scripture, through Old and New Testaments, showing me others He chose who did not fit the mold. 

After showing Abraham the numerous stars in the night sky, the Lord promised him he would be the father of many nations… “Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Genesis 15:5, 17:17)

In a burning bush, the Lord told Moses to free the Israelites from Pharaoh’s hand and lead them to the Promised Land. Moses replied, “Who am I that I should go…oh my Lord, I am not eloquent… I am slow of speech and tongue.” (Exodus 3:11, 4:10)

Through the prophet Samuel, God anointed a shepherd boy to be the king of Israel. This angered king Saul and he sought to kill David, who never asked to be king. In confidence to his friend Jonathan, David poured out his heart, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?” (1 Samuel 16:11, 20:1)

The angel Gabriel told Mary that she would conceive the Son of the Most High, even though she was not yet married. In fear she replied, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34)

In a vision to the disciple Ananias, the Lord said, “ ‘Rise and…look for a man of Tarsus named Saul’… But Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem’… But the Lord said to [Ananias], ‘Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.’ ” (Acts 9:11-16)

I have engraved on my left wrist “His ways are higher.”  I will never understand, this side of heaven, why God does what He does and why He calls who He calls.  But what I have learned is “the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)  The world’s mold and the Lord’s mold are completely opposite.

Just as Abraham thought there was no possibility Sarah could conceive in her old age, I also feel I am too old to have a house FULL of children.  If you had asked ten years ago when I met my husband what our life would look like ten years later, I would have said we’d have five kids by now and be nowhere near finished. But I know my God has different plans.

Just as Moses felt inadequate, I sometimes feel too weak to carry on and too inexperienced to decide what road to follow next. But I know my God will impart strength and wisdom.

Just as David never asked to be king, I never asked to be infertile. But I know my God will use this opportunity not only for growth but also to knit my heart closer to His own.

Just as Mary saw no physical possibility to conceive, I feel like the alien who is unwilling to leave, and who desires to procreate, has overtaken my poor uterus and left no physical room for a baby to grow.  But I know my God is the Healer and Giver of life.

Just as Paul, who murdered Christians, was called to preach the gospel, so will I, who have been bitter and jealous of my own friends who have conceived before me, be able to share and encourage others on this journey.

I am beyond thankful the Lord can see past my weak and selfish flesh, into my heart that longs to be His servant. I’m thankful I too, don’t fit the mold.

So I head into surgery tomorrow completely at peace, knowing I am in the Lord’s hands.  No matter what happens He is good, He is sovereign, and He loves me so incredibly much! 

And to the alien I say, “your days are numbered!”

humbled by His faithfulness and love,

sarah jane